"A Little Bit Stronger"

Last night I was thinking that I am now a "childless mother". I have had a child inside of me, growing and depending on me, even if it was for a very short time. I knew the feeling of love that comes from knowing that J and I created a life. It saddens me that I will never know this child we conceived. It breaks my heart as I touch my stomach feeling empty, rather than full of life and joy. I miss a child I never got to know.

But on the other hand, I feel like a different woman. I did, for a very short while, carry another being inside of me. People may say that this was not a life yet, but to me this was my child. I now have a small insight into the love a mother feels for her child. I know I can't completely understand, because I am sure the love for a child grows stronger over each passing day. But, I felt a powerful love and need to protect our child for the very brief time he/she was being nourished by my body.

I am now a woman who has not only known a different love, but the love of others has been revealed to me in very special ways. Not that I needed it, but I now have proof that my husband will stand by me no matter what. He never left my side at the hospital. He held me every time I cried. He placed his own grief on hold to let me grieve. He loves me, even when I have trouble loving myself. I also have found out how much I am loved by some amazing family and friends. We received food, countless texts, phone calls and Facebook messages from people that care for us and shared in our grief. I have gained so much strength from my friends and family.

Spiritually, I feel like I have crossed a great divide and am moving in a new direction. My faith has been tested, but it is not lacking. I still know God loves me, and I love Him. I will never understand, but I accept that this path was designed for us specifically with a divine purpose in mind. I have been angry, but I did not let unbelief grab hold, as I have in the past. I have leaned on God's promises. I have sought Him in my quiet times. I made a promise to love Him, and I do, in ways I cannot express. I trust Him, even though it defies my logical side.

I have stood up under insurmountable pain. I have endured. I have learned from this experience, about myself, my husband, our relationship and my friendships. I have been faithful. And most surprising of all is the fact that I continue to love, move, live and breathe, even when it feels like there is no reason to do so. As a result of all of that, right now what I feel the most is STRONG (at least a little bit).