Loving God

After a very long time of living in doubt about my faith, about the very existence of God, I have come to a place of belief. Unfortunately, I cannot say that a miracle in the form of a child has caused this faith to blossom, but simply God making His presence known to me by the gentle revelation of himself to me during Sunday worship service. I realized that my faith was not a choice, as I was trying to make it, but God is God, I am His and I have no choice, but to love the Creator of all things. At that very moment, I did make a decision that I feel will change the course of my life. I told God that I will love Him no matter what happens. If I do not conceive, I will love Him. If I lose everything, I will love Him. If I prosper and see an abundance of blessings (this would be my first choice of course), I will love Him. I will not make my love and faith in God conditional upon the fulfillment of my earthly desires. And after years of singing the song that says "I love Him, because He first loved me", I finally understand what it means. Christ loved me, gave His life for me that I may live a life knowing that there is a greater love and a greater purpose for my life than I can imagine. The true beauty of this is that this purpose, or plan, has been pre-orchestrated by God himself. All I must do is love Him, because He loves me and will take care of me. So, that is where I am today. I am building a relationship with my Savior. I am leaning on Him through the hurt and pain of not having a child. I am realizing I can't just say it's in God's hands and get mad when I don't get my way, but I must accept His plan as divinely inspired and purposeful.

Counting Down the Days...

To Our Mini-Vacation!!!!! I am still in my funk, but am looking extremely forward to vacation :) J and I are going to Pigeon Forge, TN in 2 weeks and 1 day. We are working hard on branching out and traveling to new locales, rather than continuously hitting up the same beaches. This is hard of course, because we LOVE the beach!!!! It will be 4 short, but much, much needed days to relax and enjoy each other's company! And after this trip I get to start planning our next trip...hmm...I'm thinking beach in September and Washington D.C. in October for our anniversary :)

I Want To Not Want

I am glad nobody reads this blog (as far as I know), because I feel like I can write through the craziness without guilt. I do not have to fear I am boring anybody, or they are going to get tired of hearing the same old song post after post. Last week, I felt so strong, this week, I feel as if I have been bulldozed. My heart hurts and it is almost a physical pain. I feel empty and alone. It takes everything I have to pull myself out of bed, to pretend that life is good and I am happy. Do not get me wrong, I know I am blessed and I love my husband with all my heart. But, as I have learned many times, one love cannot replace another, one dream fulfilled cannot replace a dream denied. They can make it easier at times, but cannot remove the pain completely. I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I want to not ride a roller coaster of hope, the destruction of that hope, and acceptance month after month. I want to not want what I can't have.