Secondary Infertility Sucks Too

I have written about this before, and in reality most of the time I am okay with the fact we have not been able to conceive after Lane. I wish it was different, but I feel so blessed to have Lane that the sadness ebbs and flows rather than invading every moment of my life like it did the first time I waited for the dream of motherhood to be realized. But then there is that moment that I am forced to sit in the waiting room of labor and delivery for work, in the hospital my sweet boy was born four years ago, watching new mothers and babies pass by, observing young children sporting Big Brother and Sister shirts, and hearing the excitement in the voices of the families anxiously awaiting news of the newest member of their family, that tears sneak up on me, surprising me as they threaten to pour down my face. It was so obvious that I had to make a lame excuse to my pregnant client, about the tears and emotion I was experiencing, to cover the pain. I suspect these emotional surprise bombs will continue for awhile, as I become increasingly aware that the window for me to conceive is very small, and that this hope of Lane having a younger brother or sister will soon end completely for me. For me, I know I am blessed to have one beautiful child and I would never compare my sadness to the pain of a person longing to be a parent to their first child, or one grieving multiple losses without the joy of getting to parent even one of the babies they carried for whatever amount of time they were given with them, but as in many things in life it does not make my pain any less real. And for what it is worth to the mama that may come across this, that almost feels guilty for being sad over secondary fertility, I get it! Please hear me when I say (as much for me as I say it for you), that although it may be a different type of pain, how we feel and react is okay, because  secondary infertility sucks too!

Our "Baby" Story

This is "Baby" also known as Bunky Monkey.

He joined our family before Lane did. Actually, we bought him the day we had our first ultrasound, as a celebration and I think subconsciously I needed something tangible to hold on to through those long months. He was our sweet boy's first gift, and became lovingly known as "Bunky". I held on to Bunky for dear life during the time I started spotting and was afraid we were losing our baby, after being told I had gestational diabetes and when I was referred to a high risk specialist. As embarrassing as it is for an adult to admit, I cuddled him many days and nights until I had my boy to cuddle. 

In the almost four years since my boy has been adventuring through this life with us, Bunky has been by his side, not continuously, as he could often be found under a bed, under a couch, or other dark, scary place, where sometimes forgotten toys reside. In actuality, he was by  Lane's side because mommy put him there a lot of times, until about a year ago. That was when Lane decided he wanted us to have a baby. After we explained that we could not just make that happen, he decided Bunky was his " Baby", and Baby became a more significant part of his life.

Then Baby had to be buckled in the car with us.

He had to go to daycare, in the infant class, where they lovingly cared for him while Lane was in his big boy class. Lane had a special bed for him, that he put right beside his bed (when he isn't in Lane's bed). 

He has been to the park many times, to Amazement Square, on road trips, on a cross-country flight, to the beach and most recently to North Carolina for a birthday party. 

It wasn't until 9 days later that Lane decided he wanted to take Baby to school with him, prompting a rushed search for the missing Baby, who was nowhere to be found. After searching some more before I went to work, I quickly realized the last time I remembered seeing baby was when we were in NC. I called my sister who checked her house to no avail, then she called the hotel for me to see if they had found it. When the answer was no, I began to panic a little, and realize I was possibly more heartbroken then my little guy was going to be over the loss. Until I remembered that Lane wanted Baby to come with him to eat a doughnut at Krispy Kreme before we headed back.

I remembered telling him Baby would get too sticky eating a doughnut, seeing this for the ploy it most definitely was, to get an extra doughnut. He decided Baby could "watch", so he came in with us. And, my stomach knotted when I realized that was the last time I remembered seeing Baby. After a frantic Google search to figure out where the heck the Krispy Kreme was located, a slightly ridiculous call asking the poor girl who answered the phone if they by any chance had found a monkey there, an overly ecstatic response when she said they actually did have it, a special trip by Lane's uncle to go pick it up, an elaborate explanation about the great adventure Baby had been on to my (at this point) very upset, "I can't live one more minute without Baby" son, a special trip by my super awesome sister to ship Baby back to us, he came home! 

And he has barely left my little guy's side since.

A very long ramble for no particular reason

I seem to be writing a lot more lately, and I think I really have so much more to say these days. I think this is partially a part of getting older. Over the past few weeks, I have become more self-assured, self-aware and happy with who I am as a person, and I seem to just want to share it. Again I partially contribute this to the process of aging. As you get older, you realize what really matters to you. At least this is true for me. You also realize that other people’s opinions of you and of what you believe matter very little. In my life, I have narrowed down what matters most to me to two categories. The actual and true first, most important aspect of my life is simply knowing that I am joined in true relationship with Christ. I used to always place this first, because it was what was expected of any good, Christian woman. Now I mean it. This relationship is the reason I have all else in my life. My relationship with Christ dictates who I am, what I pursue and how I live, every day. I fail Christ a lot, but His grace has never failed me.

Secondly, I need to know that I am providing a loving, nurturing home (not always the cleanest or most organized, but safe, enjoyable, fun home) for my husband and son. I need to be spending time building these relationships, because these are the ones that matter the most.

In addition to the top two absolutely necessary parts of my life, I have a few other pursuits that ultimately bring me peace and joy. One of these, is that I need to know that I have travel plans in place. I love to travel. Travel is important to me, and has often taken a backseat in my life. Jason and I are finding that we want this to be a very important part of our life. We want Lane to see other places, have experiences that take away his fears of the unknown, gain a greater understanding and admiration for different cultures and to cultivate a love of travel as well. We want to give him the world, and in my opinion we can do this best by giving him adventures and experiences over material possessions. I remember very few toys I received as a child, but I remember the camping trips, our trip to Arizona when I was a child, our cross-country road trip moving from Washington to Virginia, driving around on random backroads on a Saturday with a roadside picnic, hiking, spending the night in a hotel where my grandparents were managers, and so on. We were not wealthy, but we had plenty of toys, yet these adventures are hands-down my favorite memories.

Another desire and avid pursuit for me is that I do have a somewhat clean, somewhat organized living environment. This has always been how I function best, but only recently have I realized the role a chaotic living environment plays in my moods and therefore my behaviors. I now keep up with our home much better, and even my husband has noted I am far more stable these days (read: not a crazy, frantic, stressed out, yelling, crying mess…at least not most of the time).

I need and want financial security. We are still working on this one.

I need and want friends. But the true kind. I went off Facebook for almost a year and a half. It was amazing and necessary. At the time it hurt too much to see who was spending time with who, who was not inviting me to a get together, who was having more fun than me, who’s life seemed perfectly put together, etc., and I simply could not keep comparing myself. I was becoming jealous, miserable and felt all alone in the world. Most surprisingly, shrinking my world to the people that matter the most, my truest friends (mostly my husband and sister) brought far less loneliness and far more clarification of what I want out of friendships. I reactivated my Facebook account today, only because I was ready. I am ready to reconnect with people, but I am no longer looking to compare myself, or needing their validation. True friendship is not a “like” on Facebook, or how many comments people make on a post, it is the phone calls and texts, the laughter over coffee, the shared dreams and the pleasure of knowing that true friends will always be there.

I need to be making a difference. I seek every day to show other’s Christ’s love and whenever possible to let people know they are loved and cared about. I also want to help those struggling through many difficulties, whether it is poverty, mental illness, feelings of failure, exhaustion, helplessness, grief, etc., however I can. I still think I can change the world. I still believe it is my job to make a mark on the world and to leave it a better place. Every day is an opportunity to help improve someone’s life, to teach my child how to love the very best he can, to encourage the world-changers around me, and so on and so on.

While there will always be various dreams, goals and hopes guiding my choices and what I seek to accomplish, I now know who I am and what truly matters to me. At times, I am almost ashamed that it took me this long to narrow down my core values and to find what I need most to be happy. I am even somewhat embarrassed that it took opting out of Facebook for a year and a half to drown out the noise and truly hear myself think, leading to me finding my voice again (which I guess is why I am writing so much these days), but then I realize, some people never really find their purpose, simply letting life toss them here and there, so I guess taking 40 years to do this is not the worst case scenario. It feels freeing and amazing to finally feel like I know who I am. To weed out the lesser things, especially when life feels out of control, as it will often do, because I now know if what I am pursuing does not fit under one of the above, then it will not get top billing in my life.

I dreaded 40, but I am not going to lie, I am kind of digging it these days J

 

The #1 Reason I Love My Husband

I love my husband for a million reasons, but I have to say that quite possibly the biggest reason I love him is that he does the weekly grocery shopping. Every week. He does not like to do it anymore than I do, but he does it, for me, out of love for me. It's that act of sacrificial love, along with the many, many others he does every day that make me fall in love with him again and again!