Most scary for me, is that I have been living life the past
several months feeling lost. I have been feeling that God has a plan for me,
yet I cannot seem to grasp what on earth that plan is, or where I am supposed
to be. I feel like I am in a waiting room, but I have no idea what I am waiting
for. I am somewhat okay with waiting, as long as I know that I am supposed to
be there. But, I don’t actually think I am supposed to be here. I feel that I
am supposed to be doing something, in the here and now, but my lack of faith,
my unwillingness to truly dig into who God is, which would help me understand my
purpose here and HIS will for my life, is keeping me stranded in this waiting
room, virtually alone.
So, after prayer, arguing with God (yep, I do that, even
though you know, He is God of all things), I have felt led to fast. This goes
against who I am today. I am a woman that loves to eat, to excess. I am a
little girl that doesn’t have what everyone else does, and feels that by eating
whatever I want in my adult life, I finally feel that I have enough. I am a
woman that has not dealt with many, many emotional issues and chooses to bury
my self-loathing under layers of fat. I am the girl who hates being told what
to do, by anyone, including God.
So last week, when I am crying to God to please lead my
family where we need to be (church, job, ministry, where we should live, etc.)
and I feel led to fast one meal a week (only one meal people- and yet, I still
argued), I balked. I simply want an easy answer to fall in my lap, because I am
also a woman who really, really likes instant gratification (see the excess
eating, excess spending above as the example of that). I did finally agree,
because based on a very recent episode of purposely ignoring/disobeying God and
choosing not to pay my tithes, because we would not have had enough for food, I
have learned it does not pay off in the end. Literally, we had two expected
sources of income be delayed to the point we had 96 cents in the bank, and barely
any food in the cupboard, with some seriously delinquent bills. There has been
some serious humbling going on these days in my life!!!
So after arguing, I chose to obey, and last week, I fasted
one meal. What did I get from that? Peace. Revelation that I am now in God’s
plan. Yes, I am still in the waiting room, but I no longer feel that I am there
alone. Nor do I feel that I am stuck here, but rather I am here for a season to
truly align my heart with God’s. I was taught the importance of obedience and given
the strength to fast this week’s meal.
Today, I am fasting my lunch. Already, God is revealing to
me new revelations. Today, I feel it is about the hold food has over my life.
God provided food to fuel my body, not to destroy it. He provided it to help me
do His work, not to keep me under a heavy weight of self-loathing. Yes, it can
be appreciated and enjoyed, but it cannot rule me. Self-control is at the core
of the Christian faith. Many scriptures speak to this, yet our society eschews
this concept, feeling that we should be able to live however we want, doing
whatever we want. This is my natural inclination, but it is not God’s way.
Each week, I hope to update you on what I am learning from
my fast. This is not me being proud, or acting as the Pharisees did in the
Bible, but my simple act of obedience. I
do not want to forget what I am learning. I also do not want to miss the
opportunity to share the message God has for me, and possibly for someone else
(you know, all two people who read my blog J).
