Sometimes I forget...

that a smile is all it takes to make the world a little brighter; that I should be living every day like there is no tomorrow, no matter how cliche it sounds; that we all need to be reassured of our importance in eachothers lives; to read every word of a book instead of skimming just to pull out the good parts; to dance in the rain; how beneficial it can be to sleep in just for an hour; to take my shoes off and walk in the grass barefoot; the feeling I get when I am pushing myself higher and higher on a swingset or the thrill of rushing down a slide; what it feels like to be in love and have that love returned; how a massage may be the cure for all that ails me; that laughter is truly the best medicine; that exercise should not be work, but fun; that my friends and family are only human and if I overlook what I consider their faults or shortcomings, they will do the same for me; how good it feels to accomplish a feat I thought was impossible; that it is perfectly normal to feel lonely at times; to relax and simply breathe; that it is important to never stop learning and experiencing new things; it is necessary to let people help me; to just breathe and take in my surroundings.

The Countdown Is On

And so it begins...the super busy schedule, the lack of a social life, the extra 10 lbs I will gain because I can't find time to workout, the perpetual state of stress that lasts for the entire 16 weeks, the papers, the lectures (both in class and that I have to give myself to stay motivated), and only reading what is assigned by a professor or is research for a paper. I will be back to school as of Monday, Sept. 1st for my final semester as an undergrad(if everything works out with my internship and independent study).

But despite the stress and everything else, I look forward to this every year. I love to learn, I love to be busy and I love the structure that comes with the school semester. I also love the fact that after this year I will finally be the proud "owner" of a bachelors degree in sociology. So add to the other stuff I have to do all semester sprucing up my resume, applying for jobs, applying to grad schools for the fall semester of 2009 and deciding what I'm going to do once this goal has finally been achieved.

I am not wishing my life away, but I sure will be counting down the next 16 weeks...

"What If"

Today is a rainy day and seems to be a perfect day to play the "what if" game. It's not complicated and the rules are simple. There's actually only one rule to the entire game and that is, never play "what if" in the past tense. This game only applies to the present and even more to the future. The reason for this is pretty obvious, but basically it boils down to the fact that there is no way I can change the past, so "what if" is not relevant, nor is it worth dragging up often painful memories and regrets to wonder things such as "what if" I had never married him, or "what if" I had gone straight to college and on to a career in my early 20's. Those "what if's" are not a game, but torture.

I mostly like this game because there is no winning or losing. Some days the "what if" game manifests itself in a sort of fantasy world, where I daydream about people and dreams that are so far beyond my reach that I know it is no more than a fantasy. Then there are the times that I play "what if" with very realistic plans and goals, weighing my options and deciding on the best choices. But that's not today, today I am totally playing the "what if" game on the fantasy level!

I have already posted today, but it just hit me that...

one of the best indicators of a life well lived is one in which there are always interesting, fun stories to tell. And all I have to say is that if this is the point upon which I determine the success of my life then I have most certainly lived life well lately…

The Great Unknown That Is My Future

I have always been a procrastinator. Definitely always been a big dreamer. I have never been too good at making things actually happen in my life. I have been far more likely to keep talking about the dreams in the abstract as if I do not control whether or not they come true. But suddenly I find myself 4 months away from finally graduating with my bachelor's degree and I actually believe in myself, in the power of my dreams and my ability to make them come true. I have so many different potential plans for my life. No matter which direction I turn it will mean new beginnings and starting over again. The biggest problem is trying to choose what the next step should be. In my perfect world it would involve finding someone to love and building a family. But in my real world, knowing that parts of the past have forever altered the future, I must plan for something different. And the problem is that all of the choices that keep me awake at night are things I could see myself doing that would make me extremely happy, but I can't determine which would make me happiest, so that one day as I reflect on my life I don't say I chose moving to a big city and I think I would have been happier in a smaller place, like Lynchburg, or I missed out on the joy of motherhood, because I chose to travel the world.

So here are my possible plans/choices…

1. I stay in Lynchburg. I adopt a child, and raise him or her in a single parent home. I would work in the social services/non-profit field. I would commit to staying in the area so that I would have a strong support system of friends and family.

Pros: I want to be a mother. I always have, not in the "every girl is raised to believe she should be a mom" way, but in the "I can't imagine my life going any other way" type of desire. I truly thought that I would have children by now. Plus, I love Lynchburg and the amazing friends and family that I have here. I could be very happy and settled here, content with family vacations and outdoor adventures.

Cons: I don't know if I am cut out to be a single mother. I am petrified that I would not be good at it, that the stress would be too much. I am scared that I would feel guilty that I took away the child's chance of being a part of a two-parent family, because I went into it knowing that I was and probably will remain single. It's also expensive to adopt and even more expensive to raise a child. I would feel like I was somehow cheating the child out of a life that could have had so much more (at least in the material sense).

2. Move to a big city. Get a job working in social services, maybe (hopefully) a job that would lead me into humanitarian aid and into Africa. And I would start doing volunteer abroad trips and working my way into an organization where I could do extensive work in Africa. Delve into new travel experiences and the culture of wherever I choose to live.

Pros: Anyone who knows me knows that I dream of going to Africa and working in an orphanage. I want to make a difference in the lives of these people that have so little hope. It is a passion of mine. I also love city life, meeting new people and experiencing new things.

Cons: All passion aside, I love my friends and family and can't imagine living so far away. I actually love Lynchburg and the people and things here. It would mean giving up all sense of security I have and starting completely over, making new friends, job, everything, possibly living in another country for an extended period of time. I am not sure I am up for that. But then again I am not sure I am not (that would be a pro), because it is a totally fresh start.

3. Go straight to grad school, and then the Peace Corps. This would be wherever I get in and could find a job. It would probably be another state, possibly Colorado, where I could hopefully get a job working in a camp, wilderness adventure group (such as Women's Wilderness Institute), etc. I would continue my education, which despite how stressed I get I love going to school and learning. I would also work on getting in very good shape so that I could get accepted into the Peace Corps. Then for at least 18 months after finishing grad school I would be able to do humanitarian aid work.

Pros: So much of what I want to do is going to require at least a master's and let's face it; I'm not getting any younger. I love school. I wouldn't have to worry about the student loans for a couple more years, plus they could be deferred during the Peace Corps. It would get my foot into the kind of career I hope to have in humanitarian aid, plus give me a ton of travel experience.

Cons: It means being transient, making very little money and putting off my "career" for 3 more years. It would mean not even being able to consider having/adopting children for 4 more years.

And then there are so many other options/plans that I am considering…

Proof That I Have Adult-Onset ADHD

Things on my mind today, all of which seem to be keeping me from focusing on my job: How relaxed I feel after my weekend away, how much I actually missed home, how many amazing friends I have and how full my life is because of them, whether or not I am going to physically be able to run hills tonight, why my best guy friend (who is now married) and I never dated despite the fact that he knows me better than almost anyone (that may actually be the reason we never dated), my school schedule and financial aid issues for my final semester, how I can be more "green" and definitely more healthy, an interesting business idea my sister and I had, the teenage girl that is like family to me that is now pregnant, finances, how badly I really want to be a mom and then how crazy I am for wanting to do that by myself, what to get the kids that I am an honorary "aunt" to in honor of their first day back to school, especially the one that started his first day of kindergarten,what I want for lunch, and then the general abstract thoughts that float through my head on a daily basis on issues of life, love, faith and so on.

I think I am a perfect candidate for prescription drugs :)

Give Me A Break Already

Yesterday:

8:30-2:30 Work after a very restless night of little sleep

2:30-3:00 Drive to pick up a friend

3:00-7:00 Go to social services and various places and deal with an emotionally draining (heartbreaking) situation, where I am trying to be very strong

7:00-7:30 Go to meet friend at trail to go running

This is where it starts to get good....

7:00-7:20 Wait for friend, listen to music, read over paperwork from aforementioned meeting

7:20 Music fades, realize that battery has died

7:30 Friend shows up, we decide since we can't really get a car beside mine we will jump it after our run

7:35 We proceed to load the baby in the stroller, that I knock over (at least before the baby is in it) while talking to a guy from high school neither of us had seen for awhile. One who seems to have life more together than I do, but that's another story.

7:45 Finally on the trail, jogging, my knees are KILLING me. I'm guessing it's the new shoes, but either way I can barely run. We realize something is wrong with the front wheel of the stroller.

7:50 We stop and fix the stroller, start jogging again.

7:55 We stop and fix the stroller again, finally figure it out. By this point I'm realizing we are not the most mechanical people which does not bode well for the later experiment of jumping my car.

8:00-9:00 Jog/Walk while I complain incessantly about the excruciating pain I am in with my knees, feeling guilty because my running partner is in no pain and has tons of energy.

9:00-9:15 Stretch, play with baby, proceed to deal with car situation (and yes, it is dark by this time)

9:15 Start looking for my keys

9:20 Finally after much panicking, because I do not have a single spare key made find the keys in the baby bag (no idea how that happened)

9:20-9:45 She pulls her car beside mine, says she doesn’t know how to get her hood up (which started us off laughing pretty much the entire 20-25 minutes of the experience), but she finds the latch, read instructions on jumper cables until the last one and then we’re afraid we’ve done it wrong (believe it or not we are BOTH college educated). I try 15 numbers or so and NOBODY answers to find out if we’re doing it right. I try a last ditch number to my boss who answers and says we were doing it right, so we finally get my car started. All of this, despite being frustrating on some level, was done in the midst of fits of laughter. At least we can make anything into an adventure :)

9:45-10:00 Get fast-food, so much for the jog/walk helping me lose weight…and people finally start calling me back.

10:00-11:30 On the phone with multiple return calls. Manage to offend, hurt or upset one of my closest friends, but I think its okay now. We were just both a little overly sensitive I think at this point.

11:30-12:10 Toss and turn, almost fall asleep…

12:10 Get a phone call from my brother’s girlfriend that her stepdad had a motorcycle wreck and is in the ER.

12:10-12:20 Get dressed and drive over to watch her little boy, pillow and blanket in tow.

12:20-2:00 Toss and turn on the couch. Every time I almost fall asleep phone rings, then she comes home saying step-dad is being released.

2:00-2:15 Drive home and park way in the lower parking lot because I live in an apartment complex with a bunch of partying college students that took all the parking

2:15-3:15 Toss and turn, finally fall asleep.

3:15-6:45 Sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:45-7:30 Lay in bed, dozing in and out trying to convince myself to get up

7:30-7:56 Shower, iron clothes, dress, hair and makeup not done, so I throw makeup
and straightener in a bag and go.

8:10 Decide it’s worth being late to work for a Venti Iced Mocha

8:20 Dump almost the entire Venti Iced Mocha in my unusually clean car

8:40 Show up to work ten minutes late with a client waiting in the parking lot for the doors to be unlocked, and to a ton of work

8:40-8:50 Clean the coffee out of my car the best I can

And that was just the last 24 hours! The next should be even better considering I am running off of little to no sleep, going to a friends house tonight, and need to do laundry and pack to go out of town tomorrow straight from work! At this point I find pretty much everything amusing which helps immensely :)

Race Results

I am quite proud of Margaret and I! I completed the race in 38:03 which after only jogging for two weeks was a personal accomplishment. We actually met all of our personal goals: 1) Ran the entire race - no walking! 2) Complete the race under 40 minutes 3)Not come in last! It was a lot of fun! We are actually planning to register for another 5K on September 6th, hoping to beat our time.

The Olympics and My Personal Athletic Pursuits

Last night I stayed on the phone with my sister, who lives in Charlotte, watching the US girls take gold and silver in gymnastics. We watched all the way through to the medals ceremony. It reminded me of when we were younger and would be glued to the TV watching Mary Lou Retton. My sister wanted to be a gymnast, while I wanted to be a ballerina. Neither of us ever took classes, but we just knew that was what we wanted to do.

On a pretty much unrelated note, although it does have to do with being somewhat athletic, I am running my first race in 5 years tomorrow. Well, it's more like jogging, but tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. I will lace up my new (expensive, in my opinion) running shoes that I bought at an actual specialty running shop with a sales person that actually seemed to know what he was talking about and run 3.2 miles. I'm excited because for the first time ever when I race I will have actually ran the requisite mileage prior to the race :) I am feeling so much better since I've started working out and truly enjoying the running, as well as the time I am spending with friends. It's nice to be hanging out with friends and not having it revolve around food. Although, tonight, in honor of our race, however short it may be, we will be carbo-loading, because we have heard that's what racers do.

Why I Love To Run

I wrote this almost a year ago, but thought I would post it since I have been running again and remembering why I love it!

I had the most perfect run last night. I didn't have my MP3 Player, phone or any other distractions. It was just me, feet pounding on the pavement, thoughts flowing through the past, to the present and into the dreams of my future. I was focused inside of myself, while letting my body carry me through the dark, quiet streets. It was amazing, freeing and one of the best runs I have had in months. It was perfect in its simplicity and focus. It is a reminder of why I choose to run, because in the moments where I let go and settle into a run, life makes sense. For those brief moments, my mind, like my body feels free, and I begin to believe again in the amazing abilities that my body, mind and spirit have. I feel strong, powerful, happy, in control and free. During the most perfect runs I honestly believe that I will not only survive and make it through, but I will leave an invaluable imprint on the world and those around me. And today as I think of my run from last night and the sense of accomplishment I still feel I realize that this is why I love to run!

My Olympic Obsession

I am extremely busy at work today, and probably will be all week due to the fact that my boss is in the office with NO court! But I just had to write long enough to say that I am logging far too many hours watching the Olympics and am LOVING every minute of it! I really hope that Michael Phelps wins the 8 gold medals. I hope the US Women's gymnastics team can recover from the mistakes and injuries to win gold, but silver wouldn't be too bad. I had no idea the French had such great swimmers, or that the Chinese were good at almost every sport, especially diving and gymnastics (even though there female gymnasts look like they are 12, not 16). I now know that I can still get into the Olympics, even at my age thanks to Dara Torres and the fact that badminton is actually an Olympic sport. Even though I primarily cheer my country on I was jumping for joy when Nicole Cook (I think from Great Britain, but I'll have to check) took gold in a last minute push in women's cycling. And beach volleyball is by far one of my favorite sports to watch - Go May and Walsh! I am slightly obsessed with the Olympics and cannot seem to get enough. But for now I will get back to work, until I can get home and watch some more TV, which is not something people hear from me often at all!!!

Good Person, Bad Attitude

I am generally a good person, or at least I used to think I was. But today, I realized I have become a spoiled brat. The kind of person I talk bad about and never thought I was. I have a bad attitude. Somewhere in the last couple years I began to think the world owed me something. I suddenly stopped taking the blame for my own messes and began to blame my job, my boss, my parents, pretty much anybody, but me. I expected others to help me, because I am doing it on my own, but truthfully thanks to a very dear friend I have not been doing it on my own and have become far too reliant on the help of others. The crazy thing is, I never realized it until today. And I hate this about myself. I have to change, because there is no way I can love myself and still be this way. I need to stop complaining and start taking the blame on myself. I need to recognize my shortcomings and change them.

I need to realize these facts: I don't get raises because I don't work hard enough to deserve them. I do enough to get by, but no more. I don't have any money and am in debt, because I am not willing to get off my lazy butt and get a second job, or get out of my comfort zone and get a roommate. I haven't graduated yet, because I chose not to work hard enough to complete the classes. I don't have a healthy relationship because I chose to waste time in relationships that were going nowhere and am too afraid to step out of my comfort zone to find one. I haven't travelled where I've wanted to because I have chosen not to make the time and money to make it happen. I am overweight and unhealthy because of my own poor choices and lack of motivation.

There are things that are most often out of our realm of control, such as illnesses, losing someone we love along with the grieving process that follows, and car accidents. But in reality no one is to blame for my failures, but me. And no one can fix my life, but me. Basically it boils down to the fact that I am a good person with amazing dreams and the ability to achieve them, but I have a bad attitude, and this is completely in my control to fix! I need to start standing on my own two feet, take the blame for my own actions and stop blaming everyone and everything else, get over being jealous of the people in my life who have more and be happy with who I am.

And I know that: It is in my control to fix my finances, and get out of debt, despite the fact that it will take a lot of time and effort. I will graduate this fall, despite the fact I can't turn back time and fix my grades or graduate sooner, I can and will finish and get good grades this semester no matter what it takes. And I will even do whatever it takes to get into grad school and get my masters degree. I will (after getting financially stable) start planning my trips and making those dreams come true. I will lose weight, run races, and get healthy by exercising and consuming less calories (which I am already working on). All in all, I know that as I stop blaming outside circumstances, I will start taking back the control of my life and making things happen in my life. The most amazing thing about that is that as I accomplish more of my dreams I will start believing in myself once again and be the person I want to be (with a much better attitude)!

The Best Intentions

I let down a friend last night. It was not intentional and it is not like this friend has not done the same to me time after time, but I still feel like a heel. I am the "call me anytime" kind of friend. But last night, after being woken up several nights in a row by phone calls and text messages I was exhausted and turned my phone on silent. I slept really well, but then I woke up at 6:00 a.m. this morning and had 3 missed calls and 8 text messages. My friend needed me and I failed her. This feeling sucks. She let me know that she was okay later, but then sent me a scathing text about me not being any kind of friend. And no matter how much I apologize and explain via text and trying to call her she is ignoring me.

I wish I could find that perfect balance in my life, where I am there when someone needs me but I don't feel like I am sacrificing my health and peace of mind. And of course I realize that I am only human and that I cannot always be there for everyone, but it still hurts that I may have inadvertently severed the cords of a friendship that was on it's last thread anyway, simply because I needed one night of rest.