Life Lesson #4

When you are feeling overwhelmed by an overly long to do list, as the famous slogan states,  "Just do it".

Just do the things that need to be done. Make a list. Choose the most important thing, or even the easiest on the list, just pick one thing, focus on completing that task and move on to the next. I waste way too much energy stressing about all I have to do, usually while surfing social media, rather than just completing the tasks that are stressing me out. I will spend an hour telling my husband how much I have to do, my plan for how I am going to do it all, etc., when I could just be doing it. It seems simplistic, but it is truly effective. By focusing on a task, you become calmer and more centered. Then, as each task is completed, you will find the strength and energy to complete the next one. Even if, at the end of the day, you have not completed everything or even half of the tasks, you get to go into the next day with a sense of accomplishment and are not piling on 15 new things to an already overwhelming plate.

****This post was a necessary reminder to myself as I woke up with my mind racing towards my mile-long to do list for this day that should be a day of rest. It may also be construed as me finding a way to procrastinate on actually using this very wise advice.

****Okay I am getting out of bed now to actually use this advice. No really, I am, well maybe just a few more minutes....

Life Lesson #3

Be intentional.

Don't just drift through your days, your life, your words, etc. This matters, because you do not want to wake up one day wondering where your time went. Sure, there will be days you can only function enough to survive the day, but be careful not to let those days turn in to years.

Life Lesson #2

Be kind to yourself!

Which is why I am climbing back into bed at 9:20 am. I am truly physically tired, even after my coffee. I have been fighting a cold all week, not sleeping great and working more hours than I usually do. My body needs rest. So, instead of "pushing through" when I do not absolutely have to, I am choosing to be kind to myself.

I am also refusing to feel guilty or beat myself up for taking the time to nap rather than doing the next thing on my never-ending to do list, which I believe is the most important part of being kind to myself.

So on that short note...Good night (at least for a couple hours)!

Lessons I am Still Learning (even though I am over 40)

Lesson 1:

One of the most important lessons I have learned in life is this....If you find yourself being consistently envious of others lifestyles, it means you need to make changes in yours.

Once upon a time, I took a lengthy break from Facebook. One of the biggest reasons was that seeing people post pictures from their lives evoked envy and serious feelings of inadequacy. I used the year I was off Facebook to restructure, reprioritize and think about my life, including questioning why I felt much better not knowing what other people were doing. I had some fairly big epiphany style moments in that year, but none greater than a recent one that came after being back on Facebook for a year. I realized suddenly that I was not jealous at all seeing pictures from other peoples lives, but instead was actually enjoying looking at them, seeing people on vacations, with family and friends, seeing their clean"ish" homes, etc. So what changed? I did. Some where in the last year I realized that most of what I was feeling either envy or inadequacy over was a part of my life that I was unhappy with, and more importantly an area of my life that was completely in my power to change or improve. So why am I no longer jealous?  I have been truly living my life lately. We have traveled, gone camping, been riding bikes, getting together with friends, and so on. I realized keeping a somewhat clean house is important to me. I realized making nemories with my kiddo and hubs was worth the effort of getting off the couch. Sure, I still have moments of envy, such as when we had to cancel our epic vacation due to mounting medical bills, and I hear about other people's vacation plans. But these feelings are fleeting, since I know we are still living and enjoying our spring/summern and I know it is more important to me to make sure we pay the bills, rather than going in debt. Life is meant to be lived well and sometimes it takes a bit to find out what it is we want. So my biggest life tip to others living in the age of social media, is if you find yourself consistently unhappy in an area or areas of your life, recognize that it is time to make a change in yours!

Missing

It is Easter, but instead of feeling the joy of resurrection and freedom that comes from the most beautiful act of love given to the world centuries ago by my Lord and Savior, I feel an overwhelming sadness.

Unlike many days, today I know why. I miss my family, especially my mom. I miss the way she made Easter and every holiday an event. I miss having her close by. I am beyond sad that she is not here to have Easter dinner with us. Having my mom move hours away, having her so distant from us both in miles and otherwise continues to break me. I miss what was.

I am also missing what should have been. I miss the baby we lost. I am so incredibly sad I am not feeling baby kicks right now, and figuring out where to put the baby furniture.

Most days I am okay, but today, in this moment, too much is missing.

Going Through The Motions

I have been here before. I am sure most can relate to this place. The space where you are most certainly not okay yet, nor do you know when you will be okay again, but you have to keep moving. As hard as it is to go through the motions, to say you are "good" when an acquaintance asks how you are doing, to get up, to work despite the deep hurt that invades your heart, to not keep talking about the one thing that pervades your psyche almost all of the time, and to smile so your little boy does not know you are physically well, but your heart is a long ways from healed (this one may apply primarily to my situation, but you get the point), you have to just keep going, because the going through the motions is all part of the process. Here is what gives us hope in the very hard spaces; while you are going through the motions there will be moments, moments that may actually turn to minutes, then hours and eventually days, when the pain does not feel suffocating. There will be times when the smile is real, and one day you will begin to feel true contentment, peace and joy again. While going through the motions, keeping all the balls in the air as you manage your life, there will be moments that you realize you cannot go through the motions at that moment, and then you reach out to a genuine friend who helps you through, and these moments will give you the strength you lack.

Right now, I kind of feel like I am even going through the motions with God. I am praying. I am reading my Bible. I am still feeling confused, hurt, a little angry and disconnected from Him. But, I know that eventually I will not feel this way, and eventually I will look back to see He has been here all along, even when I simply could not feel His presence. So I keep going through the motions.

Here is my humble, not professional, but definitely tried and true as it relates to my personal experiences, advice to anyone hurting...grieve, cry when needed, but then get up and go through the motions, and when you fall, which you will, get back up and start again. In time, you will find joy again. In time, the pain will not sting as bad. In time, you will not feel like you want to cry continually, or that you cannot breathe...in time....in the meantime...(from the famous and very wise words of a cartoon fish) "Just Keep Swimming".

Written as I grieve...

There are a few times in life that I walked in somewhere, up to someone or gotten a phone call that have changed life as I know it. Those life moments where you know you will never be the same. There have been good ones, such as the day I married Jason, and the day I gave birth to Lane. Then there are those moments when you expect life will never be the same, and you are right, but not in the way you hoped. Today, I thought I would hear our baby's heartbeat. Instead we heard silence, until the tech told us that she was sorry, but there was no heartbeat. For a moment, my heart stopped too, and my world shifted. Four years of hoping, a couple months of being sure we were "one and done", a surprise positive pregnancy test, five weeks of nausea and exhaustion, culminated with those words, and my hear  felt as if it shattered. Now, I am grieving the child I will never meet this side of heaven, and grieving the end of us trying to grow our family. I know I am not to question why, but right now, in this moment, under the grip of pain and despair I question God, asking how do I move on.