Fighting

The minute they announced that my childhood heartthrob, Kirk Cameron, was coming to our church to do a "Love Worth Fighting For" Conference, I was like a kid at Christmas. I felt like I grew up with Mike Seaver, the character played by Kirk Cameron. He was wild, fun, mischievous and charming, all attributes I longed to possess. So when the announcement was made, there was no question that I would purchase the tickets ASAP. J was not quite as excited, but as always he was a good sport. The conference did not disappoint. Kirk Cameron was so genuine, and not stuck-on-himself, which I actually expected :) The lessons taught were Bible based and doable. It was a good night for J and I to share some time together, and reaffirm our love for each other. We were once again reminded that our marriage, above all things, other than our relationship with God, is priority one, and worth the fight.

All of that being said, I hurt so much emotionally again, it feels as if it could cripple me. It started yesterday. I was feeling so strong, and now I could turn into a puddle of tears at any given moment. I think it is because I had envisioned going to the conference knowing we were forming a family of our own. Church was hard. So many things will be hard over the next few months, because I set my sights to many of the key moments coming up, thinking I would experience them as a mom-to-be. My heart is sad, my eyes are sad, and as a whole, I am beyond sad! I do not feel strong enough to stand at times, yet each day from somewhere deep inside I find the will to fight! So for now that is all I can do, fight for my sanity, fight for my husband, fight for my job and fight for the ability to stand when my world is spinning out of control.