Confession Time

"Confession is good for the soul". We have probably all heard this saying at one time in our lives, and if you are confessing your sins to Christ, this is abundantly true. I also believe that letting others know our faults and failures is also not only a sweet release, but can place a salve on someone else's broken spirit, or serve as an inspiration as they struggle.

So here is my mommy confession, which to some may seem comical, while others would be mortified. For about 5 months I have allowed the television to babysit my child for hours (sometimes 4-5 a day). This goes against my core parenting beliefs and all the education I have received. I know the dangers. I have complained about other people doing it. That being said, it was easy and happened almost without me realizing it. It started when we finally got satellite last November, because I felt we needed some educational shows for Lane and Christmas movies for me :) He quickly found new shows that he loved, and for the first time ever he was totally in to watching a show from beginning to end. I was able to actually clean house, lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, talk on the phone without interruption, and so on, while he did this. Then he was so excited by a couple shows he would ask for more and rather than establishing limits from the beginning, I figured "oh why not". Plus it gave me more time to complete tasks around the house. 

I quickly realized he was spending too much time watching TV, and tried to rein it in, but holidays, sickness, my laziness, and vacation would derail my best laid plans. Until this week, when I decided to buckle down and be the parent I know I am capable of being. So he now has limits to his TV time, and you know what, sure he balked initially at some of the restrictions, and I had to be careful to make sure he did not see these limits as a punishment of some kind, but he seemed better than okay with them. He actually seemed to find his voice again. He had tons of energy. He has been more imaginative. He hasn't rushed through meals. He hasn't whined about not having more TV. He has played with the room full of toys again. He has actually slept better. He has asked us to play more, which sometimes feels like a distraction, but it is truly the greatest investment we can make with our time. And, the greatest reward from this was last night, as he was laying in bed he tells me that he loves me and Daddy " much more than any other people". Although he has always loved us, less TV meant more one on one time, us being more creative with him and him knowing that he mattered to us, which most assuredly led to the overflow of love from him, which made all the extra "work" this week so worth it!!!!!

Thankfully, those few months probably did not do too much harm, but seeing the vibrant, awesomeness of my boy this week makes me feel bad I wasted the preceding months, and will serve as a reminder not to backslide on the restrictions again, just to make my life simpler.

Super Mommy (I Am Not)

This week I have alternately been my child's hero and broke his heart. It's amazing how humbling parenting can be, and how often as a mom I beg God to extend His grace to my child and me, to cover over some of my seemingly epic mistakes. But for purposes of memorialization for those times I screw up royally, I wanted to write about those moments that seemingly made me my child's hero this week.

The first one was when he came running into the bathroom, just as I had started the water and gotten in the shower. He was terrified, because there was "a spider" in his toy box. I understand my child's fear of bugs, since I am almost positive it originated from my over the top reactions to unexpectedly seeing a bug in my house, so I jumped out of the shower and bravely took the Lysol and sprayed the life right out of a bug that was not a spider, but was quite gross and huge(ish). Afterwards, I could see the adoration radiating from his eyes and hear it from his voice, as he thanked me without being prompted (kind of a miracle in itself)!

The second time I felt like his hero was when he realized that mommy wore the necklace and earrings that he bought, with his own money (completely his idea) for me, for my birthday. Although the necklace and earrings may not be my usual style, the fact that it says "Mom", he picked it out, spent his own money on it, and he wanted me to have it, make it beyond special. What he does not know is that every time I touched it today I thought of him, just like every time I look at my wedding band I think of my husband. And, the look in his eyes when he saw me wearing it was priceless. Later as I passed him in the hallway at daycare (me working, him playing), he told me that he "never wants to leave me" and that "he misses me all the time". And for just a minute, I felt like a "Super Mommy". Although I know that I am not always a super hero in his eyes, I cherish the moments that I can be.

This boy and his daddy have my heart!!!

I am 40

Well to be honest I will be 40 in an hour. But, those two words attached to that particular number, have stirred up a lot of angst these past few weeks. Angst I could laugh off and ignore, until the last hours of my 30's quickly fade. I do not feel old until I say my age, because 40 is, well, old. I have been on this earth 4 decades. I truly do remember the "good old days" before everyone had a computer in their hand, heck nobody even had computers in their homes when I was a child. I remember quieter, safer times where kids left to play in the morning and came home at dinnertime, without their parents worrying about them. Where families had dinner at the table, and when arcade games were the only video games. I still remember the first Nintendo. I watched the first "Full House" on its first run. I am that kind of old.

But, I am still young as well. I still feel like the world is my oyster. That I can and will accomplish anything I choose. I still have the possibility of having another baby, a slim one, but still the hope. I still feel passion for my husband, and butterflies when we go on the rare date. I still have many years ahead to raise a young child, to see light in his eyes and to watch him discover who he is and to guide him on his journey through the short decades of his life. I am still young enough to have older people say "oh, you're still young...." I still have good health and the ability to do all that I dream. I feel young at heart, and mostly in body.

I am hopefully not yet to the middle of this crazy, amazing roller coaster of a life. A life where I have learned many valuable lessons about loving God, myself and others. I am more self-aware, self-assured and happy in this season of my life than I have ever been.  So, after a few hours of bemoaning "my descent into oblivion" (yep, these were the exact words I spoke to my husband), I am now ready to decree, with a little less angst and a little more perspective  "I am 40" (in 39 minutes, let's not rush it). And I have to add I am so very, very blessed.