Time to Start Living Again

God always gives us what we need. This is a lesson I am learning on a daily basis. I am finding peace, patience and strength in the midst of infertility. I am finding joy in circumstances that make me feel beaten down. I am finding victory in Christ. And overall, I realize that the struggles in my life are doing what they are supposed to do, increasing my faith and making me lean on a God that never fails. Today I feel strong, tomorrow who knows, but I do know that God has a plan spelled out that is greater than I could ever create for my life. I am also regaining my emotional footing, and planning a future that does not involve children. I am planning to go back to school, focusing on my career, volunteering, spending time with my incredible husband, dreaming of missions trips and travels with my husband, and finding who I am once again. Yesterday, I realized that the people I admire the most in life and most want to emulate are the ones that truly see no limits to what they can do and then they figure if they can dream it, they can do it! I want to be that person that believes in myself and remembers that God placed me on this earth for a purpose, and His plan is always greater than my own! The last couple weeks have been a turning point for me and I have determined that it is time for me to start living again! I may not get everything I want, but if I follow in His footsteps I will get everything and more than I need in life.

An Uphill Battle

I feel as if I am fighting an uphill battle emotionally. I can't seem to win, I can't seem to stay strong longer than a day or two, I can't seem to stop myself from drowning in the abyss of pain and yet I am constantly reminded of how very much I have to be thankful for. Today, I had to face the realities that yet another month has passed without conceiving a child. A year and a half of my life has been spent waiting in anticipation for a miracle that never seems to come. Every month I tell myself there is still a chance, and every month I become more disappointed. I try to keep having faith that the Lord's plan will be revealed, or better that in His perfect time I will get pregnant, but each day faith becomes more elusive.

At the same time I hear of a friend I had in high school who found out her husband of 2 years has cancer. This is a battle I can't imagine facing, one that could potentially take my husband's life, because then I would truly feel as if my life had ended. I hear of yet another politician cheating on his wife and think of the betrayal, hurt, anger, embarrassment and loss she is experiencing at this very moment. I think of the blog's I read of people who have lost husbands, children, miscarried or are raising a child with a life-threatening illness and again I am faced with the fact that I am very blessed to not be going through these battles.

It is this struggle that is hardest sometimes. I know I should be grateful and happy in this moment of life. I know that there are so many worse things than not being able to conceive, but this battle is so very, very hard for me to endure. I am weak, I am tired, I am angry, I am so deeply sad, I am scared and so often I feel lonely. Mostly these days I just pretend, but what happens when I have gotten so used to pretending that I forget how to feel, who I really am and why I am here. I am worried that our marriage may not withstand this, because J has so much going on at work I don't want to burden him. Plus he worries so much about my emotional state that it will only stress him out more and I worry about his health, especially with all the added stress of his new job. So here I am, trudging up this long hill with no end in sight, fighting back tears and wishing that somehow, someway I could believe that my miracle will come in one form or fashion.