Happy New Year!

This will be my last post of the year! I am loving having my blog as an outlet for all my inner musings...well not all, but at least the ones I am willing to share.

Last New Year's Eve I ended up being sick and not doing anything but laying on my couch miserable. So far this New Year's Eve and the start of the New Year are shaping up to be quite interesting! Tonight I am going to Charlottesville with some friends, and tomorrow my friend, MC, my niece and nephew and I are roadtripping to Atlanta for the weekend! I am quite excited!!!! I love roadtrips and Atlanta :) I will be stopping off in Charlotte to see my sister on Sunday as well!

This year should be quite the adventure, hopefully including a new job, possibly a new city, making some new friends, applying to grad schools, finally running a marathon, skydiving, New York girls trip, dropping 40 or so lbs, hopefully a trip with my cousin from Washington State, volunteer vacation to Africa and who knows I may actually go on a few dates just to keep my faithful readers interested!

As far as the simplicity part, that will apply mostly to relationships and keeping myself focused on what I value most in life!

So here's wishing everyone a happy and safe new year! I hope it's the best yet!

Out With The Old, In With The New

For the past few years I have come up with one overall goal for the year (of course I always have smaller goals as well, such as lose weight, etc). Last year's goal was to work on healing and building a new life for myself. And I did. I took time to get to know myself, experience pain, learn to let go and heal. I made some amazing new friends. I stepped out of the box. I have experienced a lot of firsts. I can honestly say I lived fully and completely. It was the best year I have had in quite a few, and I honestly feel like I am coming out of this year a stronger, wiser, more whole person than I was 365 days ago.

So I have been working on a "slogan" or overall goal for this year. I have finally decided it is going to be to simplify and to become the woman I know I can and should be. I want this year to be simpler. I want all of my relationships (family, friends and love)to be simple, uncomplicated and drama free. This does not mean that I want them to be boring, passionless or unadventurous, just simpler. I want to cut out the people and things in my life that are dragging me down, and focus on those that make me a stronger and better person. I don't want to put energy into relationships that I know will end in heartbreak. I want to continue pursuing my dreams, living my adventures, travelling and building strong relationships. I want to become more aware of what I really want in my life and pursue those choices, and not drift from plan to plan and idea to idea. I used to think simple meant dull, but I now see that simplicity and purity is what my heart craves and it is in this state that I find ultimate contentment and peace.

Christmas 2008

Christmas kind of snuck up on me, but this past week was a blast. Here's how the week or so played out...

Monday: I worked, and then went shopping by myself. It did not take long for me to run out of money and patience, went to the gym, went home and crashed!

Tuesday: Worked. Found out I graduated, so completely lost focus on work after 1/2 day. Went shopping (not by myself) and out to dinner to celebrate my graduating!!! I found a new fave shopping partner actually :)

Wednesday: More shopping. Ran 3 miles. Lunch with MC and baby. More shopping. In 30 minutes I showered, got ready, packed everything and headed to my mom's house. Christmas with good friends. Presents. Lots of high fat food. Visiting with family. Sleeping on deflating air mattress. Lots of laughs. Late night texts. Convinced mom that we should "sleep in" until 7 on Christmas morning.

Thursday: Got up at 7ish - which was lovely. Presents. Traditional orange and cinnamon sweet rolls for breakfast. More presents with my niece and nephew. Making mac n cheese with my niece (favorite part of the day). Late lunch. Best ham ever. Clean up. Drive home. Unload car into living room. Migraine. Lots of meds. Early bedtime for me.

Friday: Japanese lunch with sister. Bought some deep burgundy, 3 inch "hooker" heels (around which I am putting together my New Year's Eve outfit). First time iceskating. No broken bones-yay!!! Early dinner with friends. Home to crash. No cleaning.

Saturday: Pick up friends kids. Meet D, my friend from GA at Depot Grille (hoping to see her again when we go down this weekend). Played wii. Groceries. Finally used my quesadilla maker. Baked cookies from scratch. Ate too much. Watched movies. Got first ever shutterfly book of my "adopted" niece. Late too bed. Still no cleaning.

Sunday: Church at my niece's request. Lunch with family. Home. Budget (ugh). Cleaned (very little). Minor meltdown about my future. Talk to some friends and remember life is good, I'm incredibly blessed and loved, and to just breathe.

That was my week in a nutshell. I had lots of time with friends and family, eventhough there were a few I didn't get to see, or see enough of. It was good! It was also the first year I finally felt like I had healed from some of the past heartbreaks, which made it the best Christmas in several years :)

I REALLY DO BELIEVE IN SANTA NOW!!!!

I just got my grades in and I am officially a college graduate!!!!!!!! I cannot stop smiling!!!! And to put the icing on the cake I got straight A's my final semester!!!!!!!

My (Selfish) Christmas Wish

Dear Santa,

I believe! Just wanted to clarify that. And, I have been very, very, very good this year. I mean it! To the point of being so good some would consider me boring. I knew I would need all this goodness as a bargaining chip at the end of the year, so on that note I think you should grant me this one wish. All I want for Christmas is my grades to be posted TODAY and to have passed everything so that I know I graduated.

Well there was that one other thing, but I already know I am not getting that one, so I think in all fairness this wish should be fairly easy to grant. Plus I'm not asking for world peace, so chalk one up for originality (okay, it's not that original, but at least it isn't totally impossible, like my other wish, or world peace).

Yours truly,

B

A Special Kind of "Stupid"

It did not take me long on Saturday to determine that it takes a "special kind of stupid" to not start your Christmas shopping until the weekend before Christmas. But that is okay, because the worst part is that despite a few hours out at the stores on Saturday I still haven't started it! Well I did pick up one gift, so I guess that kind of counts towards starting...

Of course that "special brand of stupidity" was even more evident the night before, or earlier that morning, however you want to look at it. My friend, MC, her 18 month old daughter and I went out for dinner to celebrate my finishing the semester. Then we went to WalMart. By the time we left WalMart it was almost midnight, which of course means the baby was not in any mood to be out, fooled with or to tolerate shenanigans from mommy or "Aunt" Brandy. So as mommy changes her I hand her the keys, like we always do to distract her (thus begins the stupid part). MC puts everything away and I put the baby in the carseat, buckle her in and MC comes behind me to put the stroller in the floorboard under her seat (I tell you this to prove this is not entirely my fault). She shuts the door, and we hear the doors lock. Yep, the baby is in the car with the keys (and the spare set by the way)and we are standing outside at midnight in the WalMart parking lot. We tell the baby to push the button, which of course she knows mommy is better at this than her, so she goes to hand the keys to mommy through the window (which of course doesn't work since the window is rolled up) and they fall out of her reach. We end up having to call the police and have them come break into the car to rescue the baby. Needless to say we were quite mortified!

I am pretty sure that everytime I write a check to pay the very large student loan bills I will remember this story and wonder why I bothered going to school all that time just so I could gain this "special kind of stupid".

2 Posts in One Day - You Know You've Missed It

This made me bust out laughing! Not that I've ever cyberstalked or anything...really...I haven't...okay, I totally have, but you know you have too!

My American Idol Moment

I want to regale you with interesting tales and tidbits so bad, but after submitting over 70 pages of academic genius in a week and a half, 50+ of which were actually researched and written/typed within that time period, I can't. I mean literally my brain freezes and I can't remember how to put sentences together to form a story, or explain the craziness that is going through my brain. Pair that with the incredible amount of work I have had at my job today, trying not to stress over grades and such and I can only come up with this...

Christmas is coming
The goose is getting fat
A sale is on at David's
You know where it's at
We've got microwaves and ranges
And though this may sound strange
We'll give you a free turkey
When you buy a range.

Yep - that was the cheesiest commercial jingle of all time and I (along with a few of my fellow classmates) sang that on the radio decades ago!!! To this day, I will sing this on cue - seriously if you test me on this you will have to suffer through it, because you can't say I didn't warn you.

I still remember all the words, yet I can't remember what I wore two days ago. This could be a very telling problem.

Cautiously Optimistic

Everything is turned in...I'm excited, but I'm being cautious with it, so that is all I'm going to say for now about school and graduating. In a couple weeks I will either be celebrating or not.

New subject: Oh wait, there really isn't anything, because all I can think about is whether I am going to graduate or not and getting some sleep. But as soon as I can think clearly there actually are stories to tell, dreams to dissect, plans to share or maybe not to share quite yet, and whatever other madness my mind can create.

Taking A Break

I am taking a break from my paper because I have hit yet another wall, which is beyond frustrating at this point. I am so close to finishing, but it's not looking like it will get turned in tomorrow afterall!

But I was just thinking of what I cannot wait to do when I finally finish:

1. Get a good night's sleep! No bad dreams, no feeling guilty for going to bed before midnight!

2. Get back to a regular workout and running schedule, therefore losing the five pounds I have put on in the past couple weeks.

3. Going out with friends again (and not feeling guilty)!

4. Stop feeling guilty about doing anything other than schoolwork!

5. Recover from the horrible effects stress has had on me. Seriously, my hair, nails, skin, body feels like they have been neglected in way too long and it is time to start feeling like a girl again!!!!! I kind of resemble a zombie right now (pale, eyes sunk into my head, big black circles underneath - it is not a pretty sight)!

6. Reading a book for fun.

7. Finally starting my Christmas shopping - five days before Christmas is cutting it close.

8. Watching television, going to a movie, emailing my cousin in Washington State back from about a month (or maybe three) ago, sleeping in, fewer headaches (literally and figuratively), possibly dating again, working on craft projects, and so much more.

What I will miss:

1. Mental stimulation.

2. Being forced to read and learn new things.

3. The academic environment.

4. The sense that I am pursuing a goal (of course I already have a long list I am going to work towards after this, because there is no way I am sitting on my tail watching life pass me by).

5. And....well actually that is about all, and seriously I go back to school in August (hopefully) so I don't really think I will miss that stuff all that much!

I can't wait to be done!

An Update!

I did not end up in the mental hospital, although I am sure anyone who read Monday's post and then realized I have not posted since had begun to fear the worst. Instead I spent Monday griping, complaining, pulling my hair out and feeling sure I was going to die of a heart attack, and then I buckled down and got some work done. As of this morning I have turned in my completed 30 page internship journal, and delivered the appropriate forms to the appropriate offices. I will pick up the copy of my independent study with the professor revisions when I get off work and complete that on Sunday to be turned in bright and early Monday morning. And tonight and Saturday I will complete my senior symposium final, which will also be turned in on Monday!!!! And then I will just have to wait for the grades and the official word that everything is copesthetic! As I silently pray..."please, please post grades before Christmas"!!!

Crunch Time!!!!!

I am stressing out in the worst way! I am extremely scared I am going to fail miserably at my school stuff! My independent study, although being in progress, is nowhere near finished. My internship paperwork is so screwed up that it is quite possible there is no salvaging it! I am standing on the precipice and feel like I am 2 seconds away from a freefall! I do not think I can stand one week of stress like this, but I know I don't have a choice. There is simply too much to do in too little time. I hate that I am not a Type A personality, but instead am a Type B, with a serious procrastination problem!

In reality, I know I will complete my senior symposium class with a decent grade. I will finish this independent study and get at least a C, which is all I need! The internship may be the only problem and I will find out for sure on Wednesday. Worst case scenario I have to redo that in the Spring. That is worst case. Well worst case is I fail it all and have to redo it all, but that's pretty extreme, so I think I am safe on that one. I will still graduate in May, still be able to apply for grad school and still start looking for a different job!

But for all of you reading please, please pray for a miracle with my internship and independent study, because I really do need it!

Wow, I think I just wrote all of that holding my breath! I am such a basketcase today!

No "Blue" Christmas For Me This Year

I remember when I was a child there was nothing more magical than Christmas! The lights, tree decorating, Christmas cookies, time with our cousins and Grandparents, Santa Claus, and of course the presents kept us excited for the entire month. I was never one to peek or look at my presents, because I would much rather be surprised. My sister and brother were a whole different story :) I think they still tell each other what they bought each other for Christmas, then wrap it and pretend to be surprised. Okay, now back to me...

It has been a long time since I have been excited about Christmas, but this year I have a sense of excitement I simply can't explain, not just about Christmas, but about life. I know part of it is I (may)graduate, which means there are so many directions my life can take at this point! But I think too, it's that I am blissfully aware that I am exactly who I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I am stronger then I have been in years. I can taste the accomplishment that comes with finally completing a goal I have worked way too long to achieve. I may not be where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but I still believe I am exactly where I am meant to be.

As for Christmas, I am not stressing about the money and gifts (just in case anyone is wondering - I am incredibly poor so gift giving will be very sparse, but one day when I am wealthy and debt-free I will make it up to you). This year, I am focusing on enjoying all of the things that I loved as a child, like the lights, food, time with friends and family, crafts (if I end up having time to do them), and putting up my Christmas tree. This will be the first year I put up a tree by myself, and believe it or not I am looking forward to it. It is kind of like my gift to myself. My apartment is my special place, so I will be the one to enjoy it the most (well, me and Michaela who is fascinated with lights and decorations according to her mom). I am also excited that for the first time in a long time being single and unattached at Christmas doesn't make me sad. I am constantly reminded that I am beyond blessed in so many ways and I am loved beyond measure by some incredible people.

That being said, I could be totally convinced this year that Santa does exist, if some sexy, intelligent, funny single guy wants to dress up in a red suit and let me sit on his lap and tell him what I want for Christmas while feeding me Christmas cookies, under (oops, I mean beside) the Christmas tree and attend family functions with me.

Out of Curiosity....

Should I consider it a compliment or not when one of our clients from 5 yrs ago (who is younger than me, if that makes a difference) says "you haven't changed a bit"?

And just an interesting note...I just read about a family that has 17 kids, with 1 on the way and she actually gave birth to them all. I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of madness in my fairly solitary life. Although I am guessing labor and delivery is a breeze by now...

(Sneeze, "Put another seat at the breakfast table honey, we have a baby boy. I'll grab the milk".)

Okay, I joke, but in all honesty, I completely admire this woman, because there is no way I could do it!

Running Update

We ran the Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving Day! We have been running 3-4 miles at a time, although only about once or twice a week, but I never expected this race to be as hard as it was. The course was extremely hilly and kicked our butts!!! We ended up walking some of the uphill portions and our time was barely under 40 minutes, which was really bad considering how long we have been running, consistently or not. We were nowhere near last though, which made me feel much better about our performance! It reminded me how badly I need to get into shape and how much weight I still need to lose. But it was fun doing something that helped a worthy cause and spend time with friends and fellow runners.

And after I finish school we will begin seriously training for a half marathon in April!!

I know this makes no sense :)

It is always better to know. I didn't used to believe that, but now I most definitely do. I thought it would hurt more, but it hurts less. I thought it would be more intense, but instead I am at peace. It is easier knowing than not, even if the answer wasn't what I really wanted to hear. Because now I am not constantly questioning, wishing and hoping, and I can simply move on. So from now on I will be more honest and open with people so that I don't waste time wondering, thinking that it's easier not knowing than knowing, because it's really not.

On a completely different note, I had an amazing weekend, short of the being sick part. I got to spend time with people I love and eat way too much. It was pretty close to perfect :)

No Title (Because the original title "Brain Puke" Sounds Pretty Gross)

This is going to be one of those posts where there is so much going on in my head I just need to let it all out, and where better to do that but my own personal piece of heaven (aka: my blog)!

1. I had a fantastic run last night. We invited someone new to run with us. He's in significantly better shape than we are, but I think we have found an equalizer for the race tomorrow morning (that would be the 5K turkey trot) - he gets to push the stroller!!!

2. I am so completely, overly excited about Thanksgiving Day!!!!! My sister and her husband are coming in and my stepbrothers! They will all be here today!!!! This makes me very happy! And how can you not love a day where the only goal is to hang out with family, friends and stuff your face?

3. My paper is so not finished!!!!!! Oh well, I'll submit what I have and deal with it after Black Friday shopping! Oh yes, I will be a part of the crazy crowd out at 4:00 a.m. shopping, despite the fact I have no money to do so with! It is all about tradition folks. And spending quality time with my mom and sister.

4. I need my friend, B, to get better, because I must have my partner in crime at Thanksgiving Dinner. We have plans for turkey's stuffed with prozac, vodka soaked cranberry sauce and other fabulously evil plans in place. If she's not there it will not be half as much fun getting this very straightlaced crowd a little tipsy! (This is totally in jest... We will not be drugging, or providing alcohol to the guests - we will be keeping it for ourselves, thank you very much).

5. Yesterday, despite being a potentially debilitating day for me was made extremely special by my co-worker! I am so blessed!!! I am not looking forward to the day I have to get a real job so I can pay back the exorbitant student loans and make good use of that degree I worked 15 years for, simply because I will really miss her!

6. I can't believe I am working on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, considering my boss left no work. The sad part about this is that he will return and we will probably be in here working our butts off until 6 or later...we know the routine by now :)

7. I have been spending some time reevaluating my life... trying to decide if I am really that bad of a person. I haven't come to any conclusions. I don't think I am and I really have good reasons for the things I do, but I am pretty sure I am not a great communicator when it comes to the important stuff. I am trying to move past being hurt and fix things, but sometimes I am too sensitive for my own good.

8. I have nervous butterflies in my stomach (and no I will not be sharing why I have them)!

9. I am trying to decide what secret I am going to share with my mom. My brother, sister and I have a "tradition" of telling mom secrets that we wouldn't tell her any other day on the big holidays. My best one yet, was her inadvertently finding out about my tattoo on Mother's Day a couple years ago. Granted I have some that would top that one, but we try to tell her things that won't give her a heart attack...so I need something good, but funny too? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated :)

10. I really should stop playing on the internet and put my makeup on.

11. I am incredibly thankful! I am in a better place this year than I have been in several years! I have amazing and wonderful people (friends and family) in my life, I have an apartment I love (although with last night's craziness I am pretty sure it is not the best neighborhood), my car may be old, but it's almost now officially mine, I (hopefully) will have my degree in December (fingers crossed and prayers sent up), and I am happy! I spent the last few years very broken and now I feel whole. Experience has taught me that I will always come out the other side stronger. I miss so much of what I lost, but it also makes me so much more appreciative of what I have and who I am today! My list of things I am thankful for could go on and on, and this makes me feel extremely blessed!

Phew, now that I have spewed my brain (isn't that an appealing picture) all over the web I think I am done...

I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving, and please know if you are someone I know personally that reads this I am so thankful for you and blessed to have you in my life. And if you are a reader that I don't know - thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy a glimpse of my craziness that all those that know and love me get to see all the time!

In Memory

Today would have been my Grandma Lois's 76th Birthday! It's been almost three years since she passed away! I still miss her so much. I miss her hugs, her phone calls, her sitting in her chair at her apartment while I put together her medicines, how she always asked why we were leaving so soon even if we had been there all day, her telling me how much she loved me and countless other memories.

If she was here today I would have called her to wish her a Happy Birthday, and probably gone to see her. She wouldn't have had the party with the family until Thanksgiving Day probably. She would have downplayed the fact that it was her birthday. She would tell me she had nothing to wear to Thanksgiving dinner, and ask me again how many people are going to be there. She would have been nervous about coming. But me, or Jenn would have picked her up and taken her to mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner where she would have made the stuffing and gravy! She was forgetting the recipes she had made all her life though, so maybe she would have just sat and visited. We would have had a cake and she would have had a party. Everyone would have celebrated, because she was so loved, even by those who didn't know her well.

She was the matriarch of the family. I would always tell her that she would outlive me, because God knew I didn't want to be here without her. But, she did leave. She was ready, even if we weren't. So today I celebrate her birthday, missing her, but knowing she lived the life she was meant to live. Her memory lives on forever in the hearts and minds of all her family!

We miss and love you so much Grandma! Happy Birthday!

Hmmmm....

I keep a private journal on top of having this one. I do that because there are just some things that are too personal to put out on the web for people to know about me. I sometimes wish I was one of those people that could put it all out there, all the time. And actually with a lot of my friends I am that way. But then when you do that with some people, they throw it back in your face, leaving you more closed off then you were before. So I guess it's better sometimes not to be the put it all out there person.

Well, enough of my ramblings for today...back to work on this paper. There will be time enough later to ponder the reasons we do the things we do and other abstract, nonsensical thoughts...

Losing Brain Cells and Other Craziness

I want an eco-friendly cabin in the mountains somewhere, or an eco-friendly beach house. I want to believe that I can help preserve the rivers and forests so that they will be there for people to enjoy in future generations. I want to be able to travel to the rainforest someday, and if I get over hating the cold, go wherever I can to see polar bears, and not have to worry about them becoming extinct. I want to make a difference. I want to believe that it's not too late to do that. That is why I chose to write this paper on the environmentalist movement, because it is something I care about, although right this minute I would rather be driving my car a million miles away and not worrying about how much gas I am using, or whether the cups I'm drinking out of are recycleable or not!

Can you tell I'm a little stressed, possibly on the verge of a breakdown and quite definitely going to be braindead by the end of this weekend? It's a really good thing I never did drugs, because I am going to need all my brain cells to actually complete this paper :)

Post-Script (I really like typing that rather than P.S.): Yay!!!! A friend just texted me and she is kidnapping me for a couple hours so I may have a reprieve and not start rocking back and forth and mumbling incoherent phrases like "the sky is falling" or some other craziness!

My Weekend Plans Are....

To spend about 30 of the approximately 60 weekend hours working on my independent study paper and my internship journal!!!! Per a good friend's admonition I am to turn my phone off and not to make any plans or go out (I made the BIG mistake of asking him to keep me on track. Just kidding, I am incredibly thankful for his motivation, even if it gets a little scary at times). Plus, I will be sneaking a couple runs in there, a little bit of sleep, and probably a lot of eating, but I don't have to tell him that, since he lives hours and hours away and won't know :)

Channeling My Inner Diana Ross: "I Will Survive"

I've been an "absentee" blogger this week. Truthfully there's not a good reason, I just simply haven't known what to write. For the past few years November and December have not been good for me, and unfortunately memories and the sadness they bring seem to make me more down this time of year, and this normally continues until March. I joke and call it my winter depression, but it kind of is. It gets bad enough that people close to me, like my sister, have recognized it and come to expect it. I get to where I don't want to go places, talk to or see people, do anything but the absolute essentials of going to work, school and home to bed.

I fear this.

I am fighting it.

I am trying to focus on the positive. I am going to force myself to keep up my workouts and time with friends. I am going to try to convince some friends to take a trip somewhere tropical, or at least warmer in January. And I know that as the years pass and I get further removed from the pain I get stronger. It doesn't hurt quite as bad and the moments that I feel like curling up in a ball and crying are fewer and farther apart.

And I know now that...

I am not only a survivor

I am a warrior

And the biggest blessing of all is that I have some of the most amazing and wonderful people in my life that I'm pretty sure won't let me do the whole curling up in a ball thing when I get weak. I know this year will be much brighter and the darkness less scary then it has been the past few years. I also know that I am a stronger person than I was even a year ago and I am going to rely on the deep sources of inner strength that I now possess to maintain my joy and contentment in life!

Internet Dating

I know several people that have found love via internet dating, some who are very happily married to the person they met online. So I do not have a problem with internet dating, and I do believe it works for some people, just not me. But, I have to wonder what the world is coming to when people start to think you are crazy for NOT being on one or twenty of these sites. You see,I may be old fashioned, but I prefer to meet someone in person and see where it goes from there (yeah, yeah, I know this obviously has not worked for me to this point, but I still maintain it could). I also do not have the patience to fish through hundreds of profiles, emails and pics hoping to find someone I may have a connection with, to find out they completely lied in their profile and they prefer watching Seinfeld (which I hate) reruns to going hiking, or spending time with me (and no, this did not happen to me - it is purely an example).

Don't get me wrong, there have been occasions that I have started to sign up or start a profile, just for fun or when I have been particularly lonely, but then in a day or so I forget all about it. That is until I start getting the 50 million emails that tell me my true love is right around the corner and has viewed my profile, and all I have to do is pay $39.95 a month to find him. This I have a problem with as well, am I really only going to find true love if I pay for it!?!

I just don't get how for hundreds of years people have hooked up the "old fashioned" way and now everyone thinks it needs to be done via cyberspace first, to see if someone is worth your time. Plus in my case, my personality trumps my looks every time, so someone is likely to be pretty disappointed if they fall for me online and then meet me in person (this is not me being self-deprecating, simply being honest).

And I guess being the hopeless romantic I secretly am (I don't know if this is a secret or not), I want a beautiful "how we met, how we got to know each other, when we just knew we were in love" story. The last time I was interested in someone people kept telling me I needed to make the first move and tell him how I felt, but I want a guy that is bold enough to tell me first, that thinks I'm worth that effort. I really am old-fashioned!!! I guess that's why I have chosen to be content with being single, because I am scared in the era of speed and cyber dating, that I may not find that, but like I've said before I will always believe it's possible and live life hopeful!

And for purposes of total disclosure, I have to admit I did meet someone on Myspace once. He was a nice guy, but we had more chemistry via IM than we did in person.

Note: I was going to write about how extremely positive and happy I have been with life in general lately(well, except for the last two days - but I blame that on the low caffeine levels and giving up sodas), but this rant seemed like more fun!

Just A Few Things I Would Love To Have Right Now

A large glass of diet pepsi; a long, hot bath in a jacuzzi tub followed by a hot oil massage; the 1965 Mustang convertible I found for sale online; a fully completed paper on the soio-history and typology of actors involved in the environmentalist movement; a fully completed journal to turn in on my internship; a hug that included a shoulder to cry on; a nap; someone to wisk me away for a romantic vacation in a secluded cabin or at the beach; some real hot chocolate; internet access at home and my wireless driver on my computer fixed; an HD-TV; enough money so I don't have to worry about bills or Christmas; a phone call from someone in particular; and a genie in a bottle that will grant me all of my wishes instead of just 3!

Update: I managed to get the nap, which helped me not need the other stuff quite so much :)

More Signs I Am Actually a Grown-up (getting old)

I went to a Home and Garden Party with a friend last night. Not only did I go, but I also actually liked the pottery, candles and artwork that she was selling (this would be that sign I am getting old - I mean am a grown-up). And I talked my friend into throwing a party (which I think I am supposed to be co-hosting), because I really wanted to go to another one (when I actually have some money to spend).

Anyway, at the party we were talking about how coke (the soda, not the drug)can clean the corrosion (gunk) off of a car battery. I started to think about that and realized that it's time to give up sodas. I am entirely addicted to sodas, and more importantly from 6:15 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. feel like I absolutely cannot function without A LOT of caffeine!!!! So I figured it's best just to cut them out completely and suffer through the withdrawal for a couple weeks and then be done with it. Of course, I will probably just replace the 60ozs of diet soda with tea, which of course I drink sweet, so instead of flooding my system with artificial chemicals I will be consuming 600-800 calories on beverages a day...I'm really not sure how this is going to help, but we'll see. And I know I should only drink water, but there is no way I could go off caffeine during my last month of school!!!!! But at least I won't be consuming drinks that eat away at my insides!

I am really, really trying to lose weight and get healthy so we'll see how this all works out :)

Monks Fighting and the President's DNA

I was watching the 11:00 news last night and saw where two groups of monks were fighting on the streets of Jerusalem. I was under the assumption that monks were supposed to be all about peace, civility, etc. If monks can riot on the streets of Jerusalem there is not a lot of hope for the rest of us I guess :)

Then this morning on the radio I heard that to protect the President's DNA they destroy any glass he drinks out of when he goes out in public. There were some other ways that they protect his DNA that I won't go into, but suffice it to say I would not want to be part of that secret service detail.

Ahh...I'm so glad the election is over so we can stop missing all of these terribly riveting news stories :)

I am going to be super busy this week, so I may not be posting much (although I may because this is a great way to procrastinate), but I hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Being "Old" Isn't So Bad

My sister and I were having a conversation about the leaves changing this morning, when it hit me that we are truly considered "old", well older. In no way could a teenager, or someone in their early 20's even, have listened to our conversation and thought we were in anyway "cool" or "hip", or whatever adjectives no longer apply to us. I'm not sure when exactly it happened but instead of talking about the latest movies and movie stars, who is the "cutest" boy in class, how horrible it is that we are so misunderstood and what we were going to be when we grow up (okay, that one actually still does happen); we now discuss home decorating, the economy, politics and yes, even the fact that the leaves are finally changing in North Carolina. The thing that hit us as being so funny, is that we still feel young and think we're "cool". We still fit in with our friends because they are having the same conversations, we live life fully and completely, and we never feel like we are behind or not "cool" because we don't know who the young actors are or are up on the latest technology, despite the fact that at 16 we swore we always would. Life changes, we evolve, our interests change and we grow up, and I happen to like the "grown up" me a lot.

Of course realizing that it can take you an entire week to recuperate from one all-nighter, makes being "old" a little more difficult to take! Guess that explains why 32 year olds don't stay out all night very often :)

Exercise Your Right

Before today I have been one of the many people who simply wanted this day to come and be over with. The campaign has been long and seemed endless. I have voted before and always just voted a single party line. But this time I paid attention and in choosing who I wanted to vote for I waffled, even contemplating voting for Mickey Mouse. I, of course, did not do this, because I wanted my vote to count for something, and not just be another number. So as of this morning I made a final decision, and felt completely at peace with it. Not only that, but I found myself being excited about the prospect of voting. What surprised me most though was how overwhelmed I was, as in almost moved to tears, by the voting process today(despite a glitch in the system that forced me to go to 2 polling places before they would let me cast my vote - there were moments of anger at that point, but moving on...).

It him me this morning as I pulled into the packed parking lots and stood in line how much I love the fact that we live in a place that we have the right to choose our leaders, express our opinions, and make some sort of difference. I love that we do not have to worry whether we are going to be killed, ambushed or beaten, like they do in many other countries, when we go to the polls. I love the fact that people were bringing their children and telling them how fortunate we are to live in this country, teaching them that one vote can make a difference. I love the excitement and the energy that people had at 7:00 in the morning standing in line waiting to exercise their right to vote. I love that tonight millions of Americans will be glued to the television waiting to hear who we, as a country, have elected. We don't have to all agree on who should lead, but we should all take a moment to realize how blessed we are to live in the United States of America and be thankful for the freedoms we do possess.

What Dreams Are Made Of

2 completely unrelated things, except they both are related to my 15 page rough draft due on Monday:

1. One of my favorite people in the whole world just completely hooked me up with some incredible research, which will literally save me hours of work and a lot of stress this weekend!!!! Thank you cannot even begin to express my gratitude!

2. Stress does some pretty freaky things to me, one of which is I have strange dreams, but I must say last night's dream takes the cake. I will preface the dream with saying that for some very strange reason (it is Halloween time, and possibly a full moon) thoughts of my ex-husband have popped into my head over the last few days. This is incredibly unusual, and can only be explained by the fact that I might actually be losing my mind. But last night I dreamt that he and I got married again, and we were blissfully happy together (yep, that would definitely be a dream). But while we were on our honeymoon I ended up getting eaten by a python, or some sort of creepy underwater snake (in my dream I called it a python)! I loved what my friend, M, said about that when I told her this morning, "Well, that's pretty accurate. The python part anyway". Oh what fun a psychiatrist/psychologist could have with me!

It's the simple things in life that make me happy!

I am working on my paper (seriously I am), but I had to give a quick update: apparently my electrical issues were stemming from a fried electrical meter...you know the thing that is attached to the outside of your house/apartment. Can we say potential fire hazard?!? But thankfully, they are supposed to be fixing it as I type, so hopefully I will have heat and hot water when I get home! It will make me blissfully happy to soak my stress away in a hot bath tonight and have a warm house in the morning!!!!!

Okay, now I must get back to the 15 page rough draft that I have due on Monday (which I just found out about and that I have yet to write the first complete sentence on)!!!

Gripe Session Time (Again)

I'm exhausted, frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy and in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood today! And if they don't fix the electrical problem in my apartment before I get home we will be able to add extremely cold and probably on the verge of pneumonia, since I have no heat or hot water at this time (that all disappeared last night), which sucks since we are in the middle of a freakin cold snap! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! (That was, in fact, me screaming like a child!)

I hope the great wide world of the internet realizes that I totally keep a blog so I can have someone to gripe to!!!!

Taking the High Road

Have you ever wondered if it is really worth it to "take the high road"? I mean what makes the high road so much better? Sure the view is better as you look down on others struggling to make their way down below, but there is a certain amount of fun to be had when you play in the mud down in the low country. Of course, it is only fun for a little while and then human nature causes us to want something more, something better for our lives and we start trying to work our way up. It's the struggle to get from the low country to the mountain top that makes life so complicated, intense and daunting, and the time in the mud so much less appealing. Once you get to that place of "being on the mountaintop" you want to do everything you can to stay there even when what is down below is so appealing. Why? Because experience teaches us that if you fall back down that mountain, the climb back will be that much harder, and this may be the time you simply can't physically or emotionally make it back up. And once you lose any hope of making it back up to the top of the mountain, then you lose your will to dream, to strive for something better, and to live the life you are capable of living.

Okay, so I know this sounds like a bunch of nonsense, but these are the things that go through my head on a daily basis (yep, my mind can be a scary place)...but in my defense, it is a result of recent conversations with a friend, so I know at least one person will understand what I am saying...maybe not agree, but understand.

Firsts

Saturday, I went to my first college ice hockey game. I love ice hockey. It is so fast paced, and a little violent (what more could you ask for in a sport?). Then I went to a steeplechase horserace on Sunday with a friend that had VIP tickets (her job has the best perks). That was definitely another first, and we had a blast. Hopefully I can post some pics later this week, if I get a chance to download them.

Well, I have so much going on in my head that I would like to write about, but I need to get some work done and get to class!

Me a Chef?

I love the idea of keeping a dream journal. I don't do it, mostly because if I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream, good or bad, my first priority is to fall back to sleep as soon as possible. Last night though, I had an interesting dream that pretty much lasted all night. I was dreaming that I had dropped out of school (yep, 3 classes left and I dropped out) because I decided I wanted to go to a culinary school. This, of course, is absolutely hilarious because I generally do not cook, and I don't even eat gourmet type foods. But this place was located in the Shenandoah Valley, was secluded, in a beautiful plantation style house, and only taught about 25 students. I was going back to living in a dorm with roommates and everything, at 32 years old, and I was happy about it. The funny part was the only thing that was ever cooked in my dream was a huge pot of chili over a fire pit outside (I know what I'm having for dinner tonight, now). What made it such an interesting and strange dream, was that I was so at peace and happy with my decision, and with life.

Of course, I could decipher all kinds of meanings out of this. I'm glad I am not one of those people that goes and changes her life simply because I dreamed something, because then I could be in a lot of trouble. So would the rest of the world, because when I say I can't cook, I'm not kidding even a little bit. Although the idea of being a professional student does sound tempting at times. I mean I'm sure at some point I would have to pay back the student loans, but a few more years without that would be nice :) But being the practical person I am (stop laughing, I am) it mostly made me realize that my butt NEEDS to finish school, and I NEED to get some work done ASAP or that is not going to happen.

Reflections

All day memories have flashed through my mind of the past. It's odd, because as the years pass the memories fade and it's hard for me to believe that it was ever real. I tell myself I must have dreamed of him, although I have no conscious recollection of doing so. I tell myself that every once in awhile a memory is bound to come to mind, and it means nothing. Maybe it's because some of my best memories are of us in the fall, and fall was his favorite season. Or maybe it's because, even after all these years, this may be my biggest regret in life. He said it was over and I simply walked away. I let go. I said good-bye and just gave up. I didn’t stay. I didn’t fight. I simply quit. Our dreams were destroyed. Shared hope vanished. I drifted and was lost for a very long time. I grew hard, bitter, cynical and afraid. I’m working on not being that way anymore. I’m finding happiness and making peace with the paths I have chosen. I rarely wish for what could have and should have been, because it is an aspect of life I cannot control or change. But just for today I wonder what if I had simply stayed, simply fought, and even more importantly, what if I had won?

Bragging Rights

This is nothing more than me patting myself on the back, but I just had to say that last night we jogged a full 4 miles in the cold and after I had a stomach virus the day before! That is the longest we have done yet, or at least in quite awhile. I am feeling extremely proud of us right now!!!! Okay, okay... I guess that was a little less a pat on the back and a little closer to bragging. I am just completely psyched because I feel stronger, healthier and in better shape (despite the fact I can't seem to stay well) then I have since I ran the 10 miler back in 2002.

We have 3 races planned over the next month: a 5K this weekend (if it doesn't rain), a 10K November 9th in D.C., and a Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving Day! We're hoping to keep improving our times in the 5K's and to be able to run/jog at least 6 miles of the 10K.

Now if I could just gain some of that same momentum and enthusiasm towards my schoolwork...

P.S.: We did decide to hold off on the half-marathon due to the fact that we couldn't justify paying an $80.00 entrance fee to potentially facilitate in our own death's.

Making the Effort

One of the most devastatingly hurtful things that anyone has ever said to me was that "I wasn't worth the effort anymore". How could someone who's opinion and friendship I once valued more than any others not think I was worth their time and energy anymore? It was one of those moments when I thought I could literally feel my heart crack open and bleed out. Of course, I later took it for what it was, pretty much the end of a toxic relationship that was truly not worth the effort to try to maintain.

But today I started to wonder how many times I intentionally or unintentionally make people feel like they aren't worth the effort? And if I am honest with myself, lately it has been a lot. One example, there is a couple older men that come in my office just to chat with my boss or with us. If I am not in a good mood, busy or simply being self-absorbed I will basically ignore them. I have gotten to the point of being rude at times. So today when one of them came in I was feeling bad (thanks to a stomach virus that hit me Monday night, that I am still recuperating from), and all I wanted to do was get him to leave. But I have been thinking about my Grandma Lois a lot today, about how much I miss her and I realized that like her, he is simply lonely. He lives alone, and my boss, his usual lunch partner is out of town, so he simply wants the company. Instead of ignoring him, I decided to make the effort to be nice, so I showed him some pics from my hike Sunday and visited. He was only here for 5-10 minutes, but I hope he left here feeling like he was worth my time and effort, instead of feeling as if I didn't want him here.

Everyday we are presented with dozens of opportunities to either make sure someone knows they are "worth the effort", simply by returning or initiating a phone call, hanging up the cell phone and saying hi to the cashier or opening the door for the woman with the baby stroller, or to do the opposite and make them feel ignored and unimportant. There are so many simple ways to prove to people that they are worth our time and energy, things that actually take very little of either. So, I hope that in my quest to become a little less jaded and a little kinder, I will remember that everyone is worth the effort, even if somedays it takes a little more effort than others. As an added benefit, I realized today that taking that 5 minutes to be kind made me feel as if my life held a little more value then it did before he walked in the door.

Always an Adventure

Things I learned yesterday on our roadtrip/hiking excursion...

1. I am much stronger physically than I thought (see my new profile pic)...I am so ready for a weekend backpacking trip now :)

2. Never forget snacks for the baby when you are doing a 4 mile hike.

3. When mapquesting be sure you mapquest the waterfalls instead of the apartment complex with the same name (believe it or not, that one was not my fault)! But it's also a good thing we are women and not men, because we stopped and asked directions as soon as we realized that we were probably headed in the wrong direction.

4. We can turn a 2 hour road trip into a 3.5 hour trip (still not sure how, but we managed it)

5. It is entirely possible for us to get turned around on the same road not once, not twice, but three times (I guess this would explain the 3.5 hours back).

6. When you miss the exit to I81 from Blacksburg to Roanoke, there is a deadend that is great for doing doughnuts (and yes, we know this from experience).

7. We need to learn how to build a fire using sticks (or bring matches and charcoal next time), but on the upside a picnic in 40 degree weather is still fun as long as you have really good food!

8. I love spending time with people you can have fun with no matter what happens and what you are doing :)

I'm feeling lonely today so....

I'm trying to decide which would be better - a dog or a roommate. A roommate would actually help pay the bills, which could be beneficial to my checkbook and mean I may eventually dig myself out of debt. But then if I get a female roommate, that generally leads to drama which I am never in the mood for. If I get a male roommate, well I only have one bathroom (enough said)! Of course if it was someone who liked to cook and clean that would be a plus!!! But, I do like my space and my time, eventhough I am rarely home, so that leads me to think I want a dog...

But I'm not supposed to have dogs in my apartment, and I refuse to get a cat (the whole cat lady thing is just not me, or maybe it is, but I'm trying to fight it). Plus a dog would be another expense, which of course I don't need. But they do give unconditional love, except I would be doing him a disservice since I am really never home...

Or maybe I'll just give myself a day or two and I'll be over it and glad that I have some time to myself...

Decisions, decisions...

I Can Breathe Again!

Thanks to copious amounts of medication and fluids I am feeling much much much better! I love that day when you finally feel (almost) 100% after being sick for awhile, because you feel like you can take on and conquer the world! That is the only excuse, short of me being crazy and/or heavily medicated, for why I eagerly agreed to run/walk a half marathon in 2 weeks. Granted it is an excuse to go to the beach, but seriously we are only running about 3-4 miles, 2-3 times a week right now, and that is slow and quite painful at times. But since I'm the one who has set the lofty goal of running a marathon in April (although M keeps pushing for the more reasonable goal of November, 2009), and because she was able to find a babysitter, I agreed to this insanely, crazy plan. We will definitely be the last ones, and we will end up walking over half I am quite sure, but there will also be tons of laughter and hopefully a couple pounds lost.

I Feel Like Crap

And if it wasn't for the mountains of work sitting on my desk I would be home, wrapped up in my red, fleece down throw on my couch watching sappy movies drinking hot tea, with a box of tissues and lots of cold/cough medicine to efficiently knock me out on my coffee table, and maybe a book to read (for pleasure/not school)...one can only dream!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I hope in the absence of blog posts people will miss knowing my every thought and move (you know you will), but in my quest of becoming a responsible adult I am trying to prioritize, and although I consider my deepest inner musings to be top priority I realize that the 25 page independent study, the internship journal that I have yet to start and the weekly papers for senior symposium are probably a little more important. Top that with deciding that now is the time to start training for a marathon (per the "Now or Never Post"), a cold that's threatening to knock me on my butt(I knew that sickness thing would happen as soon as I wrote it the other day), a boss that is leaving for China on Saturday and decides that now is the time to dictate hours and hours worth of dictation that has piled up on his desk for the last 5-6 months and believe me when I say I am barely finding time to breathe (well not that I really can with this cold thing, but you see what I'm getting at)!

I will try to post something interesting in a few days...or next week...or when I finish school...you should just keep checking back :)

Now or Never

Awhile back I started a list of "Things I Want To Do Before I Die", kind of my own personal "Bucket List" (which is a great movie, by the way). The goal is to reach 100, and I currently have 66. This list consists of things such as, skydiving, running (and finishing) a marathon, going to the Olympics (as a spectator, not an athlete), hiking in the Grand Canyon, horseback riding on the beach, attending a Broadway play, buying a house and traveling to various places around the world. Also included on this list is hiking the entire Appalachian Trail, and I have found a great blog that describes one couples trek from Georgia to Maine http://walkingtomaine.blogspot.com/ that has completely inspired me.

After reading their blog and coming in contact with people recently who are truly living out their dreams everyday, I am more motivated then ever to stop simply dreaming and start really living. I am my own worst enemy and can have a very self-defeating attitude, but I know that if I really want to attain my dreams, travel, experience life fully it is now or never. I don't want to be writing a post ten years from now, saying now it's time for me to start living and not have accomplished anything on my "Before I Die" list. Life is a gift, an adventure, and any accomplishment or dream fulfilled is always worth whatever risk or sacrifice that is involved. Now I just have to decide what I want to do first....

P.S. I woke up this morning feeling happier and more like me :)

I Need A Really Big Rock

Lately all I've wanted is to crawl up under a rock and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. This is a little disconcerting because for the past several months I have been fairly happy and content with myself and life in general. Granted I have my ups and downs like anyone, but I rebound pretty quickly (at least that's what I think, although Kay (my co-worker) may say differently, since she catches the biggest part of my bad moods). But for the past few days I have been seriously unhappy and discontent with life. I alternate between feeling like nobody cares, to not wanting to talk to anyone. I had forgotten how it feels to want to cry all the time, because it had been a really long time since I've cried because I was sad, until the past few days (during which I've managed to make up for lost time). I feel like when I smile it's pasted on, and my laughter is fake and short-lived. I am moving through my day on auto-pilot, not because I am so busy (although I should be), but because I know that I don't have a choice but to get up, go to work, go to school and go home (at which point I firmly park my big butt on the couch and don't move until I convince myself to move to the bedroom to fall into a restless sleep). Needless to say, I really, really, really hate feeling this way!

Letting Go

One of my least favorite sayings that my parents and other adults used when I was growing up was "This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you". This always came before being punished and you knew that it was a lie. Even if it hurt their feelings they had the higher moral ground of "I'm doing the right thing" to rest on, while we simply suffered. The other saying I hated was "You're old enough for your wants not to hurt you". At 8 years old when you didn't get the doll or toy "all" your friends had, that did hurt. And of course that statement turned out to be a lie too. I am 32 years old and wanting something that I can't have still hurts. Sure I've learned that being denied material desires is not going to kill me. I don't have to have it, just because my friends do anymore. But, it's the things that I want that are seemingly out of my control that hurts, like being able to come home to that special someone every night, losing my best friend, or letting go of a dream that is such an innate part of me that I never thought it wouldn't happen. We never get old enough that these things don't cut deep leaving gaping wounds that take weeks, months and sometimes years to heal. But just as children end up doing when they don't get the toy they thought they so desperately needed, they let go. So I'm letting go, because not to will only cause greater pain and sorrow, and might cause me to miss out on something even better in my life.

Legally Speaking

Working in a law office for seven years I can honestly say there is not too much that can surprise me. Well that is until recently people have begun calling and telling me about crimes they would like to/could committ. I'm not sure why they feel the need to tell me, and they certainly aren't telling my co-worker these things, but anyway, about a week ago I was told that a man was going to Venezuela to avoid the 6 month jail sentence he was facing. Then today one man told me that he was going to take the law into his own hands against someone that declared bankruptcy and won't be paying the large sum of money he owes him, and a couple hours later another man tells me that he is going to get out his shotgun and "go visitin" tonight over an estate matter.

Granted I am (almost) sure they were all joking, but I guarantee you if I even consider committing a crime I will not be phoning the attorney's office and giving them a heads up :)

Priorities

Reasons I am ALREADY behind on my independent research and internship work:

1. I checked my minutes on my phone yesterday, and in 15 days I have spent over 40 hours talking on my cell phone. Since I don't talk on my phone while I am at work (very often) that is only counting time I am not at work. I have also used over 700 text messages.

2. I seem to think going out of town on the weekends and extensive time spent socializing (again not time I am on my phone)is essential to my very existence.

3. Season premieres that span a 2 week segment of time.

4. The ability to access IM, Myspace and Facebook from my phone (again after work hours), since I spend about 6 of the 8 work hours doing these on an actual computer.

5. This blog. It gets updated everyday, while I have no clue when the last time was that I read about Environmental Sociology, or anything pertaining to the Green Movement.

Things I cannot use as excuses for being behind on schoolwork...

1. Exercise. Thanks to my torn cartilage in my knee and sheer laziness this is sporadic at best, although being in school will most definitely be blamed for the added pounds that I will most definitely have accrued by Christmas.

2. My clean house, because it looks like a tornado, hurricane and then a monsoon came through. I should be calling the Haz Mat Team anyday now (you know if I could find the time). The same applies to my car.

3. Work. I may be here 40 hours a week, but seriously my job lends me more than enough time to do the necessary work and still get some research done.

4. Volunteering. Not only does my current volunteering venture only take place once a week for 2 hours, but I haven't attended in 2 weeks.

5. Sickness...oddly enough (knock on wood) I have managed to escape the usual 3 weeks into school illness that hits me.

Needless to say I need to get my priorities straight :)

* This is in no way meant to discourage people from calling me (remember I can be very sensitive and we'd hate for me to have to add obsessing over why I have no friends to the list of reasons I can't seem to get my research and papers done).

The Pastel State of Mind

Simply by looking at what I am wearing (unless I haven't done laundry)you can tell a lot about my mood for the day. If I am in heels I'm feeling strong, a little daring and generally happy. If I am in black I am pretty much all business. Bright colors mean that I am feeling confident and in control. Today I was in the mood to wear my pastel soft pink. This choice of color and outfit perfectly symbolized how I felt after going to bed early and taking some down time last night. It shows that I am feeling quite mellow and distinctly feminine. There is no particular reason for this except that I am at peace and content with my life right now (at least for today)!

Very Sappy Post: Read At Your Own Risk

"For you I would stop the very rotation of the earth, simply to keep one moment forever." (Author unknown)

When you are with someone and your greatest wish is to freeze time to preserve that moment with them, it is a profound experience. It is in this moment that you know you have found love. You are with someone that is essential to your very existence and to let them go, may be your greatest regret.

I may be jaded and cynical most of the time, but in reality and in the moments I am most honest with myself, I know to the core of my being that I want someone to feel that way about me. I want to know without a doubt simply by looking into his eyes that he loves me. I want someone to think that loving me is worth the leap of faith that love takes. I want to be his first and last thought of the day. I want to live every moment with him as if it is our last, while looking forward as if we have forever. I need to believe that this will happen, because in life, hope is the greatest motivator to keep moving on, and in my experience love is the greatest gift.

Nothing Much To Say

I don't have internet at home. This is a purposeful attempt to keep me from mindlessly surfing the internet and wasting hours with nothing to show for it. This is the same reason I refuse to let myself get cable. That is why I do not blog on the weekends. But come Monday, I am all set to start figuring out what I want to write on my blog, and I spend a lot of time during my commute to work, to school, and back to work deciding what is significant enough to put down, or what "deep" thoughts I want to express for the day. I start thinking about my life in terms of this blog(I'm just a little goofy like that). So I was shocked when today I had nothing. I had an eventful weekend, but not really anything I want to write about. I've had some extremely interesting conversations, but again, nothing I am going to write about. I have the usual level of stress, but that topic is simply boring me so I'm sure it bores other people. I know this disappoints all my faithful readers (haha), but I have nothing much to say today (and I know that is hard to believe)...

Things People May Not Know About Me

I love to have my hair played with; I can’t stand any type of seafood, but I love tartar and cocktail sauces; the weather wreaks havoc on my mood; I am a terrible secret keeper when it comes to my own, but great at keeping others; my favorite color is yellow because it’s happy, with red as a close second; I hate trying to figure things out on the computer; I would rather be outside than in almost any day; I am incredibly lazy and can spend entire days never moving from my bed except to eat; I love chocolate (most people know this); I have been to 3 colleges; I feel very unintelligent, there is just so much I do not know; I have a terrible memory; I love museums and historical places, but hate to read about history; I over analyze everything; I am extremely sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily; I crave touch and intimacy; I love spending time with people who inspire me in all kinds of ways; I don’t have anyone I hate, although there are several people I am glad I don’t see too often or at all; I love getting mail, personal emails, text messages and phone calls; I love to drive fast; my dream car is a Mustang, and my other would be a classic style Jeep; I rarely seem to know what I want until I know I can’t have it (or them); I read chick lit fiction, total fluff stuff; I hate to read the classics; I will try almost anything once, except foods, I am in no way adventurous where food is concerned; I’ve been whitewater rafting; Purple is my least favorite color, well that and olive green; I love to fly; my favorite saying is “Dear God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far, far away from here”; I listen to country music whenever I think I am falling for someone or recovering from a broken heart, not sure why; I hate to be ignored (who doesn’t though) and although I do have regrets, as time goes by there is very little I would change in my life.

Just glad it wasn't me this time!

So remember yesterday when I said that I have a penchant for letting words fly out before I think of them, well I am certainly not the only one...

(At a late dinner last night, following a semi-productive run)

MC (my friend): Shad (to waiter)...is his name Shad or Chad (to me)?

Me: I have no idea, I don't remember what he said.

MC: I'm sorry, did you say your name was Chad or Shad?

Chad (waiter): Chad, but my grandma couldn't pronounce Chad when I was born so she used to call me Shad.

MC: Oh... was she short on teeth?

At this point I totally lost it, laughing uncontrollably, despite trying to hold it in. And I thought I was bad...

Luckily he was very friendly and found the fact that I was dying laughing and bright red even more amusing then the actual conversation.

The Untouchables

In India there is a caste of people called the untouchables. These are the outcasts of society who no other members of society are supposed to associate with, but those in that caste. It is a rigid system that still exists despite the fact that India is now a democracy. These are the poorest of the poor in this extremely large country (Note: This is the end of the educational portion of the blog). Oftentimes I entertain questions in my mind of whether I am untouchable. Not because of a rigid social class system that I can't break out of, but because I've made it that way somehow. I know my friends love me, and my family is stuck with me (I know that they love me too), but what about the love of my life kind of love. Is it possible that I possess some fatal flaw that makes me unloveable? Is it possible that instead of making it easy for someone to get to know me and love me that I put off a warning signal to not get any closer. I am generally happy with the state of my life, but in those moments when I take stock of my life and assess where I am at and what I want, I simply wonder...

Loving Life

I have so much I could write today, but I need to keep it short, so I will write a couple random thoughts...

I had a fantastic weekend. The Amish fundraiser I went to Friday night was so much fun. I love how easily the world of the Amish here in Virginia blends with the outside world, despite the obvious differences. I truly admire and often envy the simplicity of their lives. It is not surprising that most youth choose to live the Amish life, despite having ample time to experience life outside of that. There is something idyllic about their existence.

The rest of the weekend was quite interesting as well. Once again I must say I have the most eclectic and wonderful friends. I experienced a little bit of everything this weekend, from "redneck" shenanigans in Boonsboro (which translates to riding in the bucket of some track hoe thing like a fair ride), a night out on the town Saturday and staying out way too late, to a very revitalizing run with a friend who took it easy on me on Sunday (despite the fact I hadn't run for almost 2 weeks). I completed my weekend with Barnes & Noble, and dinner with a friend that kept me laughing, and gives great advice/perspective to life, and who thankfully can forgive me for my penchant to "open mouth and insert foot". Seriously I need to learn to keep my thoughts to myself, but for some reason I've decided life is too short not to speak my mind, even if my thoughts accidentally fly out of my mouth in between spoonfuls of yummy potato soup :). Plus I know (okay hope) that most of my friends will love me no matter what I say, just like I do with them. I also managed to get my house clean and some schoolwork done. All in all it was a very refreshing weekend!!!

Impatiently Patient (I love oxymorons)

If you have ever ridden with me or been on the phone with me while I am driving you know I am horribly impatient with people that go at or below the speed limit. I am impatient when businesses don’t call me back, or with people not doing their job while I am waiting in line. I very easily lose patience with 98% of the clients that call my office (although I manage to fake it most of the time). As the saying goes, if patience is a virtue that is one that I certainly do not possess.

On a seemingly unrelated note, (although the goal is to tie this together somehow) I love the unknown and the unexpected. I love that at any moment something significantly life changing can occur. I rarely want to know the future, good or bad. I love surprises. I love to think that the next person to walk through the door could play a significant role in my life at a later date (well not in this office, but again just go with me on this one). Or that the next phone call is from the one person I have wanted to talk to. I look forward to new days, new weeks, new years and making new friends.

So, despite my lack of patience I have no problem with letting my future just happen, at its own purposeful pace. I want to be surprised by it, and am in no hurry to rush the future, or push to make it happen. Of course I believe in setting and working towards goals, but on things that I don’t feel are wholly in my control I am willing to sit back and wait. Therefore, it’s disconcerting to me that suddenly I NEED to know what the future holds. I don't feel able to sit back patiently and let things happen of their own volition. Instead I am spending eons of time (time that would be much better spent say working or reading about the Green Movement) obsessing over what may or may not happen. This morning it has hit me that to maintain some sense of sanity it’s time to let go, re-center, and remember that no matter what I want, life will end up happening at its own pace, and I may as well just settle in and enjoy the ride.

On that note, I think the first step in refocusing is for me to actually do the job I am being paid to do at this moment (and for those that know what a pie job I have that is most definitely code for I’m getting ready to do my makeup and nails), but I should have fun stories of adventures at Amish festivals and hiking trips to share come Monday.

Sadness

When I started my blog I didn't tell anyone about it or how to find it, because it was kind of just for me. But as things happen I realized I kind of liked the idea of people reading it so I told a few of my nearest and dearest so they could read some of my most intimate thoughts, and then I quit sharing them. Mostly because I don't want to feel like I complain all the time, or whatever else they may imagine. Instead I try to keep it a mix of fun and introspective thoughts that might resonate with others. But the truth is, I write for me and if people don't want to keep reading that is fine. And so what if this is my second post for the day, because I need to let it out somewhere, and why the heck not let it out for the world to read (just kidding, but seriously I process through writing so I just have to write another one).

Today I am really sad. For very personal reasons I will not share with the whole world. I'm trying so hard not to be. I'm trying to remember all of the wonderful things in my life, and hold on to the positivity from my friends. I truly am blessed and thankful for my job, my friends, my schooling and my life. Despite all that though, I am sad and I can't shake it. It's just one of those things I have to get through, because I can't change the unchangeable, or make the impossible happen simply because I want it to. I just wish I could. I wish I could let it be and be happy. But a long time ago I realized that sometimes you just have to accept that you are sad, experience that feeling, not force happiness and eventually slowly it will come back. So I'm going to do just that and hope that it returns quickly.

P.S. This in no way negates my previous post for the day!

I Am Blessed

I have nothing terribly thought provoking, amusing or inspirational to write, but I just wanted to say that I have the absolute, hands-down, most amazing friends in the world! Last night was just further proof of how special the people in my life are, and how blessed I am to have them. They lend perspective, hope, inspiration, guidance, laughter and joy to my life, no matter how hopeless I think things have gotten. And I know that no matter where life takes me these people will always be in my heart and will continue to be an essential part of my life. And like I told one very special friend last night, individually we may be a mess, but together we are a force to be reckoned with!

Living On Autopilot

Beginning of gripe session

After a very enjoyable weekend away I came back to a ton of work at my job and even more school work. So, I feel like the last couple days I have been living on auto-pilot. I simply move from one task to another. I hate when life gets like this. I am just doing, not really feeling or experiencing anything that is going on. I stay busy mentally and physically, but there is no time to let go and just be. I want to have time for a meltdown, because I feel in desperate need of a good cry, but my body won't let me do it. I literally have not had time to go to the grocery store, do laundry, unpack, clean, run, or eat (and we know I do not go without my 3 meals a day). Ugh...

End of gripe session

On a better note, I have been able to get through a lot of work, write a paper, attend classes, volunteer, finalize internship paperwork, lose 5 lbs in 6 days, and am going to get out with friends in the pursuit of maintaining some semblance of a social life over the next few nights, so I should be okay in a few hours :)

Never a Dull Moment

Interesting IM messages either sent or received today…

“Can you defrost bacon in the microwave?”

" Your boss needs to put a laundry room there…then your job would be perfect”

“Maybe if you contact the ZOO they can go retrieve your animal before you get home”

“It was definitely nothing a few more poopie doo's didn't take care of”

“giant grasshopper huh”

“yep huge mutated one”

And then an actual conversation tidbit from the same day…

“Imagine a cannonball taking your head off.” “I wonder if he saw it coming” “Well he wouldn’t remember it if he did”.

Someday’s my life is anything but boring, especially since this occurred the same day as the grasshopper!

Coming to a Theatre Near You

TEENAGE MUTANT GRASSHOPPER

This is just a warning...if you don't hear from me for a day or so you may want to call someone to check on me, because I have probably been eaten by the grasshopper in my house. It was a rather large grasshopper before I sprayed all kinds of different chemicals on it and then I went very quickly to shut my apartment door to keep my neighbors from rushing in since I was screaming like a little girl, and the thing disappeared!!!! I do not think the chemicals were that good, so now I am convinced that as I open my door tonight I will encounter a mutated version of the grasshopper that will probably think I look like a tasty meal.

Have I ever mentioned that I am scared to death of bugs, especially large, noisy ones that magically appear in my bathroom where not 20 minutes earlier I was standing in the shower.

The Perfect Day

Everyone has been asked the "getting to know you survey question", what would your perfect day be like, as in what would you do, who would you spend it with, etc. As I've gotten older the idea of a perfect day has changed. But now, I no longer have an easily vocalized version of a perfect day, because for me they just happen. Yesterday was one of those days. There was nothing significant that happened it was just perfect. I slept in until 10:30 which is normally unheard of, spent 4 hours researching for my independent study project, went to the bookstore and indulged in an iced mocha(okay I guess it's not really indulging if you have one a day), read, looked at magazines, went to the grocery store, went home at a decent hour (which is a rarity), cooked, completely cleaned my house and relaxed. To most people this would sound anything but relaxing and peaceful, but it's a rare day that I can spend accomplishing the mundane without feeling rushed. And to be honest there's no reason that it would be considered perfect, it simply was.

My Not So Political Soapbox

At the risk of being permanently disowned by my family (especially my sister, her husband and my stepdad) I have to admit I’ve been too busy this week to watch any of the RNC. I’m quite sure this is almost as bad as rooting for UVA instead of Tech or not being a Redskins fan. I only admit this so that none of what I say in the next few sentences can be misconstrued as having a strong political bias, since I have little to no idea where McCain or Palin stand on the issues, and how they expect to “bring change to America”.

I whole-heartedly believe a woman can be an effective vice-president or even president. But in the case of Sarah Palin, how does a woman with five kids, one of which is a special needs infant, balance a campaign and a job position this all-consuming. How much is she willing to sacrifice? Already her seventeen year old daughter’s life has been openly speculated about and discussed in the media. How does she expect to juggle the responsibilities of raising a special needs child with trips to war-torn areas of the world. Raising a special needs child is an all-consuming job itself, thus the term SPECIAL needs. To me her presence in this campaign, goes against the very essence of republican “family” values. Does she really think the sacrifice of time with her children is truly worth the reward? I realize she has a very supportive husband, which helps, but with five kids I want to believe her family is important to her.

And then it hits me that despite my independent lifestyle and way of thinking, I still have very traditional and conservative family values (as we hear my family give a collective sigh of relief). To be brutally and painfully honest, if it was her husband in this position I would applaud him for pursuing his dreams, rather than questioning his devotion to his family. I want to believe a woman can have it all, but in reality when you take on too much something suffers. In this case what will it be, her family or the country. It may seem insignificant since she’s running for vice-president, but what happens if she is thrown into the role of president two years down the road? And maybe it’s just me, because my desire to be a mom makes me believe it is one of the most important roles in life and should take precedence over personal ambition. Of course, all this being said, I will begin to pay more attention to what she’s saying politically and let go of my personal bias, because it wouldn’t hurt to have someone with a little compassion and sincerity in Washington for the next four years.

Sleepless Nights

I'm four days into the semester and the sleepless nights have already begun. When I am in a normal, fairly low stress routine I will go to bed and be asleep in less than ten minutes, and although I wake up some throughout the night I will fall asleep quickly. I generally dream pleasant dreams and wake up feeling fairly refreshed where I ease into my day. And then there's the high stress times, pretty much what will most likely be my new routine for the remainder of 2008. I go to bed around 11:00 p.m. because I am emotionally and physically incapable of dealing with anything more difficult than lying in my bed. I attempt to close my eyes and pretend that I am not already beyond stressed, but instead I toss and turn constantly for 30 minutes or more. This is no ordinary tossing and turning either, but more like an animal with rabies who cannot control themselves at all. I finally settle down enough to doze into fitful, not pleasant dream-filled stages of sleep, and awaken extremely early (5:30 a.m., which is early for me) with my brain already processing the million or so items on my to do list for the day. I refuse to actually move my exhausted, sore body out of the bed to walk through my frigid apartment(because around 2:00 a.m. I thought it was hot and cut the air down to the arctic-like temp of 58 degrees)until 7:45 a.m. This is precisely 5 minutes from the time I am supposed to be out the door on my way to work.

So tonight I will not be drinking any caffeine, I will stay up as late as I possibly can, do yoga before bed and spray some lavender on my pillow, and hope and pray that I can actually get some sleep. This is most important because I'm afraid if I don't I may not have any friends left by next week!

Sometimes I forget...

that a smile is all it takes to make the world a little brighter; that I should be living every day like there is no tomorrow, no matter how cliche it sounds; that we all need to be reassured of our importance in eachothers lives; to read every word of a book instead of skimming just to pull out the good parts; to dance in the rain; how beneficial it can be to sleep in just for an hour; to take my shoes off and walk in the grass barefoot; the feeling I get when I am pushing myself higher and higher on a swingset or the thrill of rushing down a slide; what it feels like to be in love and have that love returned; how a massage may be the cure for all that ails me; that laughter is truly the best medicine; that exercise should not be work, but fun; that my friends and family are only human and if I overlook what I consider their faults or shortcomings, they will do the same for me; how good it feels to accomplish a feat I thought was impossible; that it is perfectly normal to feel lonely at times; to relax and simply breathe; that it is important to never stop learning and experiencing new things; it is necessary to let people help me; to just breathe and take in my surroundings.

The Countdown Is On

And so it begins...the super busy schedule, the lack of a social life, the extra 10 lbs I will gain because I can't find time to workout, the perpetual state of stress that lasts for the entire 16 weeks, the papers, the lectures (both in class and that I have to give myself to stay motivated), and only reading what is assigned by a professor or is research for a paper. I will be back to school as of Monday, Sept. 1st for my final semester as an undergrad(if everything works out with my internship and independent study).

But despite the stress and everything else, I look forward to this every year. I love to learn, I love to be busy and I love the structure that comes with the school semester. I also love the fact that after this year I will finally be the proud "owner" of a bachelors degree in sociology. So add to the other stuff I have to do all semester sprucing up my resume, applying for jobs, applying to grad schools for the fall semester of 2009 and deciding what I'm going to do once this goal has finally been achieved.

I am not wishing my life away, but I sure will be counting down the next 16 weeks...

"What If"

Today is a rainy day and seems to be a perfect day to play the "what if" game. It's not complicated and the rules are simple. There's actually only one rule to the entire game and that is, never play "what if" in the past tense. This game only applies to the present and even more to the future. The reason for this is pretty obvious, but basically it boils down to the fact that there is no way I can change the past, so "what if" is not relevant, nor is it worth dragging up often painful memories and regrets to wonder things such as "what if" I had never married him, or "what if" I had gone straight to college and on to a career in my early 20's. Those "what if's" are not a game, but torture.

I mostly like this game because there is no winning or losing. Some days the "what if" game manifests itself in a sort of fantasy world, where I daydream about people and dreams that are so far beyond my reach that I know it is no more than a fantasy. Then there are the times that I play "what if" with very realistic plans and goals, weighing my options and deciding on the best choices. But that's not today, today I am totally playing the "what if" game on the fantasy level!

I have already posted today, but it just hit me that...

one of the best indicators of a life well lived is one in which there are always interesting, fun stories to tell. And all I have to say is that if this is the point upon which I determine the success of my life then I have most certainly lived life well lately…

The Great Unknown That Is My Future

I have always been a procrastinator. Definitely always been a big dreamer. I have never been too good at making things actually happen in my life. I have been far more likely to keep talking about the dreams in the abstract as if I do not control whether or not they come true. But suddenly I find myself 4 months away from finally graduating with my bachelor's degree and I actually believe in myself, in the power of my dreams and my ability to make them come true. I have so many different potential plans for my life. No matter which direction I turn it will mean new beginnings and starting over again. The biggest problem is trying to choose what the next step should be. In my perfect world it would involve finding someone to love and building a family. But in my real world, knowing that parts of the past have forever altered the future, I must plan for something different. And the problem is that all of the choices that keep me awake at night are things I could see myself doing that would make me extremely happy, but I can't determine which would make me happiest, so that one day as I reflect on my life I don't say I chose moving to a big city and I think I would have been happier in a smaller place, like Lynchburg, or I missed out on the joy of motherhood, because I chose to travel the world.

So here are my possible plans/choices…

1. I stay in Lynchburg. I adopt a child, and raise him or her in a single parent home. I would work in the social services/non-profit field. I would commit to staying in the area so that I would have a strong support system of friends and family.

Pros: I want to be a mother. I always have, not in the "every girl is raised to believe she should be a mom" way, but in the "I can't imagine my life going any other way" type of desire. I truly thought that I would have children by now. Plus, I love Lynchburg and the amazing friends and family that I have here. I could be very happy and settled here, content with family vacations and outdoor adventures.

Cons: I don't know if I am cut out to be a single mother. I am petrified that I would not be good at it, that the stress would be too much. I am scared that I would feel guilty that I took away the child's chance of being a part of a two-parent family, because I went into it knowing that I was and probably will remain single. It's also expensive to adopt and even more expensive to raise a child. I would feel like I was somehow cheating the child out of a life that could have had so much more (at least in the material sense).

2. Move to a big city. Get a job working in social services, maybe (hopefully) a job that would lead me into humanitarian aid and into Africa. And I would start doing volunteer abroad trips and working my way into an organization where I could do extensive work in Africa. Delve into new travel experiences and the culture of wherever I choose to live.

Pros: Anyone who knows me knows that I dream of going to Africa and working in an orphanage. I want to make a difference in the lives of these people that have so little hope. It is a passion of mine. I also love city life, meeting new people and experiencing new things.

Cons: All passion aside, I love my friends and family and can't imagine living so far away. I actually love Lynchburg and the people and things here. It would mean giving up all sense of security I have and starting completely over, making new friends, job, everything, possibly living in another country for an extended period of time. I am not sure I am up for that. But then again I am not sure I am not (that would be a pro), because it is a totally fresh start.

3. Go straight to grad school, and then the Peace Corps. This would be wherever I get in and could find a job. It would probably be another state, possibly Colorado, where I could hopefully get a job working in a camp, wilderness adventure group (such as Women's Wilderness Institute), etc. I would continue my education, which despite how stressed I get I love going to school and learning. I would also work on getting in very good shape so that I could get accepted into the Peace Corps. Then for at least 18 months after finishing grad school I would be able to do humanitarian aid work.

Pros: So much of what I want to do is going to require at least a master's and let's face it; I'm not getting any younger. I love school. I wouldn't have to worry about the student loans for a couple more years, plus they could be deferred during the Peace Corps. It would get my foot into the kind of career I hope to have in humanitarian aid, plus give me a ton of travel experience.

Cons: It means being transient, making very little money and putting off my "career" for 3 more years. It would mean not even being able to consider having/adopting children for 4 more years.

And then there are so many other options/plans that I am considering…

Proof That I Have Adult-Onset ADHD

Things on my mind today, all of which seem to be keeping me from focusing on my job: How relaxed I feel after my weekend away, how much I actually missed home, how many amazing friends I have and how full my life is because of them, whether or not I am going to physically be able to run hills tonight, why my best guy friend (who is now married) and I never dated despite the fact that he knows me better than almost anyone (that may actually be the reason we never dated), my school schedule and financial aid issues for my final semester, how I can be more "green" and definitely more healthy, an interesting business idea my sister and I had, the teenage girl that is like family to me that is now pregnant, finances, how badly I really want to be a mom and then how crazy I am for wanting to do that by myself, what to get the kids that I am an honorary "aunt" to in honor of their first day back to school, especially the one that started his first day of kindergarten,what I want for lunch, and then the general abstract thoughts that float through my head on a daily basis on issues of life, love, faith and so on.

I think I am a perfect candidate for prescription drugs :)

Give Me A Break Already

Yesterday:

8:30-2:30 Work after a very restless night of little sleep

2:30-3:00 Drive to pick up a friend

3:00-7:00 Go to social services and various places and deal with an emotionally draining (heartbreaking) situation, where I am trying to be very strong

7:00-7:30 Go to meet friend at trail to go running

This is where it starts to get good....

7:00-7:20 Wait for friend, listen to music, read over paperwork from aforementioned meeting

7:20 Music fades, realize that battery has died

7:30 Friend shows up, we decide since we can't really get a car beside mine we will jump it after our run

7:35 We proceed to load the baby in the stroller, that I knock over (at least before the baby is in it) while talking to a guy from high school neither of us had seen for awhile. One who seems to have life more together than I do, but that's another story.

7:45 Finally on the trail, jogging, my knees are KILLING me. I'm guessing it's the new shoes, but either way I can barely run. We realize something is wrong with the front wheel of the stroller.

7:50 We stop and fix the stroller, start jogging again.

7:55 We stop and fix the stroller again, finally figure it out. By this point I'm realizing we are not the most mechanical people which does not bode well for the later experiment of jumping my car.

8:00-9:00 Jog/Walk while I complain incessantly about the excruciating pain I am in with my knees, feeling guilty because my running partner is in no pain and has tons of energy.

9:00-9:15 Stretch, play with baby, proceed to deal with car situation (and yes, it is dark by this time)

9:15 Start looking for my keys

9:20 Finally after much panicking, because I do not have a single spare key made find the keys in the baby bag (no idea how that happened)

9:20-9:45 She pulls her car beside mine, says she doesn’t know how to get her hood up (which started us off laughing pretty much the entire 20-25 minutes of the experience), but she finds the latch, read instructions on jumper cables until the last one and then we’re afraid we’ve done it wrong (believe it or not we are BOTH college educated). I try 15 numbers or so and NOBODY answers to find out if we’re doing it right. I try a last ditch number to my boss who answers and says we were doing it right, so we finally get my car started. All of this, despite being frustrating on some level, was done in the midst of fits of laughter. At least we can make anything into an adventure :)

9:45-10:00 Get fast-food, so much for the jog/walk helping me lose weight…and people finally start calling me back.

10:00-11:30 On the phone with multiple return calls. Manage to offend, hurt or upset one of my closest friends, but I think its okay now. We were just both a little overly sensitive I think at this point.

11:30-12:10 Toss and turn, almost fall asleep…

12:10 Get a phone call from my brother’s girlfriend that her stepdad had a motorcycle wreck and is in the ER.

12:10-12:20 Get dressed and drive over to watch her little boy, pillow and blanket in tow.

12:20-2:00 Toss and turn on the couch. Every time I almost fall asleep phone rings, then she comes home saying step-dad is being released.

2:00-2:15 Drive home and park way in the lower parking lot because I live in an apartment complex with a bunch of partying college students that took all the parking

2:15-3:15 Toss and turn, finally fall asleep.

3:15-6:45 Sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6:45-7:30 Lay in bed, dozing in and out trying to convince myself to get up

7:30-7:56 Shower, iron clothes, dress, hair and makeup not done, so I throw makeup
and straightener in a bag and go.

8:10 Decide it’s worth being late to work for a Venti Iced Mocha

8:20 Dump almost the entire Venti Iced Mocha in my unusually clean car

8:40 Show up to work ten minutes late with a client waiting in the parking lot for the doors to be unlocked, and to a ton of work

8:40-8:50 Clean the coffee out of my car the best I can

And that was just the last 24 hours! The next should be even better considering I am running off of little to no sleep, going to a friends house tonight, and need to do laundry and pack to go out of town tomorrow straight from work! At this point I find pretty much everything amusing which helps immensely :)