Floating

I feel like I am floating today for two reasons:

First, J and I survived what I deem our first major (as he terms it) "hiccup" in our relationship! One of the biggest problems is mine alone, which is I am most definitely a pessimist. At least until I have fully processed a situation and delved into the dark abyss of negativity, then I suddenly, almost out of nowhere, become an optimist again. It depends on the severity of a situation on how long it takes me to break free of the negativity and become magically optimistic about the situation. This "hiccup" took me a few days to process, but it is all good now. I fully believe that the sign of a truly wonderful relationship is if the couple can come out the other side of problems, either between themselves or that come at them from outside forces, stronger for it. We did! I am back to blissfully happy, with the deeper knowledge that we are perfectly capable of withstanding things that life throws us!! Ahhhh...I love that feeling of complete peace that comes after a storm!

The second reason is....

I have literally consumed almost 100 ozs of fluid the last 2 days, 64 or more ozs being water! I am quite proud of this, although my boss is probably not as happy since the majority of my day has been spent in the bathroom :)

Better Than Okay

I just read a line in a blog that I loved: "I'm okay alone. I'm better off with..."

That line resonates deep within me. I was fine being single, even better than fine. I lived a happy, fulfilled life. I know I could do it again if I ever had to.

But the truth is I am better off with J. His very presence in my life has made it brighter, more complete. He inspires and amazes me on a daily basis. He has broadened my horizons. He makes me smile. He always has the exact words to say to make things better. There is very little that a hug and an "I love you" from him can't fix. We have been together a relatively short time, yet it feels like I have known him forever.

Simply put, with J in my life I am better than okay :)

The Whirlwind of My Life

I want so much to write about everything going on in life, but truthfully so much is going on all at once that there is not enough time, nor do I have the energy for it.

Briefly this is what has gone on the past several days: filing taxes (finally), ordering graduation attire and announcements (finally), Easter, church, my Birthday, dying Easter eggs, lunches out with friends, spending time with J and his daughter, actually jogging yesterday, movies, dinner out, shopping, cleaning, cooking, visiting my stepbrothers...etc.

Interestingly enough it's nothing extraordinary, but all a part of my fantastic life. I am happy. I feel safe and secure. I feel alive. Life is flying by and I am trying to live in each and every moment...now if I could just find the time to record those moments!

Me Being Frustrated At Me!

So if you have read my blog or know me at all, you know I have NEVER been good at balance. Neither am I a very motivated individual, and I am the biggest procrastinator. This is all a huge problem, because what happens is that after awhile of me being lazy and putting off everything that needs to be done, I open my eyes and realize that my world is virtually falling down around me (this happens about 4 times a year, and is not a new occurrence - same old story, just different excuses).

This is where I am at today. I love so much about my life right now and feel so blessed with amazing friends and family, but at the same time I feel like I am failing at everything in my life. Of course this isn't entirely true, because things are great with J and I, but most everything else seems to be falling apart (and this is the problem...not that we're doing good, because I love him a lot and am so blessed to have him, but generally I can only seem to manage to focus on one part of my life at a time, which is crazy).

My house is a wreck, I am gaining a ton of weight and never seem to eat healthy or exercise anymore, I have been a horrible friend, sister and daughter over the past few months (simply by being so wrapped up in my life), I haven't done anything (except that one application) on the job front, my finances are in a shambles, my taxes are not done despite the looming deadline, I have not studied for the GRE at all despite having the book, I haven't kept up with anything really, and despite my daily, weekly, monthly and lifetime goal "to do lists" (meaning I have written goals and plans)I have done nothing to actually accomplish anything.

Basically I feel like I am drowning (of course that could be because it never stops raining here lately) and I don't know where to begin to fix any of it. But I also do know that now that I've "opened my eyes" I will hopefully start fixing it all. The hard part is when you've hurt people (like my family) by being absent and wrapped up in myself it's a little harder to fix. But the good thing about that too is that family almost always loves you unconditionally so they will eventually forgive me :)

Hopefully today will be the day I start fixing these "problems" so that I can go back to being the happy and productive person I normally am (ok, truthfully I am rarely a productive member of society, but I am generally happy).

Ugh...I think I kind of miss the structure of a school schedule, deadlines, etc., because that kept me a little more focused. But mostly I just need to learn to make time and balance out all the areas of my life, which in itself will take time to learn I'm sure.

P.S.: As I'm writing this my friend, B., is already preplanning a dinner before her son's play for anyone coming to the play which is not until May 14th...now I really feel like a slacker!!!

Family Stuff

Hands down the worst year of my life, and for most in my immediate family was 2005(although some good did happen that year like my sister getting married to the love of her life). During that year, we lost several people in our family and and on a personal level I went through a devastating personal crisis, virtually by myself. It took years to recover from the tragicness (not sure if that's a word) of that year, and we all remain scarred and bruised from the losses, although we have been blessed in the years that followed. I think we had all finally felt like we could breathe again, and not worry that it was bad news everytime the phone rang.

Now it seems we are getting ready to enter another difficult period, with many different and difficult situations going on in my family. None of them are something I can, or would, discuss online, but suffice it to say, it is not going to be an easy road for my family! After several heartbroken phone calls from different ones in my family over the past couple weeks I feel like once again I jump everytime the phone rings until I know it's not bad news. It's so hard too, because many of the situations don't affect me directly, yet my heart breaks for the ones it does affect on a deeper more personal level. And I am a "fixer", always wanting to find a way to "fix" the situation, even when there is nothing I can do...I just hate to feel helpless in situations affecting my loved ones.

But experience has taught us that time, prayer, and love of family and friends can bring us together, make us stronger and help us get through anything!

Wonder If I Should Get On Twitter Next?

I would love to give you a "real" blog today, but Facebook is just too much fun and is distracting me from deep thoughts (oops, what I meant to say is that I am working way too hard and don't have the time), so all you get for now are some of my favorite facebook statuses from today...

1. "...ack! why is the President yapping away and making me miss my SOAPS?? And how long is he going to ramble on? doesn't he know he shouldn't mess w/ women and their SOAPS?" (This is so funny, because I was thinking the same thing. Now don't get me wrong I know soaps are bad, but one hour a day about 2-3 days a week my coworker and I watch All My Children for stress relief or whatever and it is never a good thing when this gets interrupted!)

2. "...Has a pocket full of rubbers. He wonders if his homeboys do too." (I'm sorry, but this just made me laugh...I know, I know, it's not in good taste...but it's really out there on Facebook today, by one of my good friends...hmmm, maybe it's time for some new friends:P)

3. "...is going to stop drinking water...I have two friends who are in the last few months of being pregnant, 6 friends who recently announced they were pregnant and 2 who are "trying". I am staying as far away from that as I can." (This has actually sparked some fun private messaging between my dear friend and I).

4. "...enjoys that fact that facebook promotes talking about oneself in the third person." (So true, we all seem to do it now)

5. "...wishes I could buy a new pair of shoes everyday. Too poor though! :-(" (I can totally sympathize with this post).

Okay folks, that's all for today, as I am supposed to be on best behavior because the boss is on a rampage and I need to keep access to the internet...I mean need to keep my job for awhile :)

The Contents of My Life

I just read a blog that stated that what was in a woman's purse, cabinets and bedside table reveal who she is. This made me start thinking about what I have in these places.

My purse: Right now it is a jumbled mess in which I can barely find anything and have almost everything! There is no organization at all.

My cabinets: (Kitchen) I actually don't use the cabinets because they are nasty, but my pantry is once again a mess. There are a few spices, condiments, 1 pkg of hot chocolate, popcorn, dishes, appliances, a vacuum, etc. What is not in my kitchen pantry is the makings for even one complete meal. There is also no rhyme or reason to it...unfortunately, this applies to my bathroom cabinets, my drawers, etc.

My bedside table: Actually on the surface this is pretty clean (minus the inch of dust that currently resides there). There is a water bottle, a book, my "sisters" Willow Tree Angel, a lamp and my phone when I am home. But there is a drawer and that is essentially a junk drawer full of, well, a little bit of everything.

When I think about this I realize that my work desk (drawer, not top) is completely disorganized, my car may as well be a trash pit because there is literally only room for me, and so on...Every area of my life is basically the same way. I have no organization in my life, despite the fact I constantly strive for this. It explains why I rarely get the things I need/want to accomplish completed. I am someone who dreams of being an "all-together" person, who envies the women that are, yet I can never seem to be this person.

And this is basically the portrait of who I am (you know, the real me)...at first glance I may seem to be doing okay, but once you really get to know me you realize there is a woman seeking, scared, completely unsure and disorganized - in a nutshell I'm a mess!

So I've decided that I want, actually I need, to start cleaning house, both literally and figuratively. I want to be able to live life fully and completely. I want to find peace and solace. I want to not feel so disorganized and out of control of my own life.

But I also don't want to become too picky, too anal, too much of anything. I like that I don't have to always be in control, because lets be honest, in the real world there is no way we can always be in control. I like that I don't sacrifice time with people I love to clean my pantry, or grocery shop for that matter :D

And this reveals the most basic of my life goals...to find balance so that I can be successful without risking my own happiness...hmmm...that should be easy enough, right?