Several times over the last couple weeks I have been told in one way or another that Lane needs, deserves or should have a sibling. I laugh, and make some flippant remark, a few times walking away so I don't cry, or say words that either reveal too much, or worse say words that may hurt them. For over two years I have longed to have another baby. For some people making a baby is easy, even accidental. But for us, it has been a struggle. We waited almost two years and suffered a miscarriage before Lane came into our lives. We have tried longer this time.
There are distinct differences between the first struggle and this one. The first time I was consumed with fear that I would never be a mother, doubts, and anger. This time, I know I am blessed to have one beautiful, amazing child. I am a mother. This pain is a dull ache, compared to the piercing pain of the first time, but it is still there. At times it hurts worse than others, especially when my little guy pretends his stuffed animal is a baby, because he wants us to have one, or when his "best friend" is getting ready to have a sibling, making him the only child in his class who is an only child. It's the hurt I hide each month when my body confirms that I am not pregnant. It's the hurt I try to bury when I see a tired mom of multiple children, and know deep down that I wish it was me. But, thankfully this time, I have learned not to let the hurt consume me, destroying the joy in spending each day with my husband and son. I don't let the pain overwhelm me. I truly do trust in God's timing and sovereignty. But, sometimes it still hurts a little too much and for a short tume becomes the hurt I cannot ignore.
