Nothing Lasts Forever

When I was 8 years old I had a monstrous crush on the boy next door. His name was Guy and he was a year older than me. We dreamed of getting married as soon as I turned 18. We kissed, but only briefly, and I’m pretty sure he kissed two other girls that same day behind the tree in his mom’s backyard. I learned two very important lessons that day. One, that boys learned very young (obviously from tv or parental influences) how to manipulate girls with a simple “if you love me you will”. He was nine years old, and used that on me to get a kiss, and of course, like numerous times throughout my teens and early 20’s it worked. I kissed him. He was my first “memorable” kiss. He ended up going to the middle school in 4th grade and I was still in elementary school. And from that point on he pretty much “outgrew” me. And then we moved. That was lesson two, nothing (especially relationships at 8 yrs old) lasts forever.

When I was 14 I fell for the boy that set beside me in Advanced English. We “went together” for about 2 weeks and he broke up with me. At 16 we dated again. I cannot say for sure when our first kiss was, although I remember the thousands that followed the two years we were together. I do remember when he said he loved me. It was quick, almost accidental, but it was memorable. Being loved by him made me feel special and was the most important thing in my life. I felt invincible in his love. I also felt suffocated at times, which surprised me. I had everything I wanted, but always felt like I wanted something else. So I went away to college. When I found out he was dating, engaged and eventually married to the next girl he dated I was devastated and realized once again that nothing lasts forever. Years later we reconnected, had a whirlwind romance, and got married. But at 25 I was too independent, too insecure, too rebellious, slightly jaded and nowhere near ready to be the wife that I should have been. We divorced the next year.

In between and following I have had crushes and fallen for people numerous times which have all defined my views on love. I want to fall in love, but am not sure I believe in it. Not the romantic state of being “in love” everyone talks about. To me love is more like an attraction that is acted on which turns into a commitment that each person makes to be together. We end up becoming inextricably linked by marriage (basically a legal contract), mortgages, children, and an innate sense that we will stay with this person in order to not be alone. We are able to maintain this commitment if we remain attracted to the other person. Romantic gestures also help maintain this commitment. But essentially it is a choice that people make, until one or both realize they don’t need that person anymore. In reading this people will realize that in my previous post I wrote about finding a special someone, but I do not believe in “the one”. I have friends that would argue me for days on this fact. Life has simply not proven to me that such a person exists in reality.

I know this is cynical. I want to be proven wrong, but at the same time I know that it is not likely to happen. I hope I do fall in love again, but as I learned at 8, 18 and have relearned time and time again, nothing lasts forever. Maybe, just maybe my cynicism won’t last forever either and personal experience will prove me wrong, because despite the fact I am cynical, I still hope that I am wrong.

"The Game"

In a sudden burst of inspiration/desperation I realized I have forgotten how to play the game. "The game" of course being flirting, dating, hooking up, and I have forgotten how to play. Case in point: I had a perfect opportunity to flirt with a very, very good-looking single guy that I have known for awhile, this weekend for hours and I did nothing. I was like the shy, backward version of myself and think I come off more standoffish than anything with him. Then to rub salt in the wound there was a guy in the bookstore the next day that was obviously trying to get up the nerve to talk to me and may have if I had simply shown a little bit of interest, but again, you guessed it, I did nothing. People say that much like other things (well one other thing) it is like riding a bike. This could be true, but I think my bike is rusty, has flat tires and the chain is missing. I used to flirt just because I could whether it was a cashier in the checkout line, a friend that I knew was only a friend or with someone I was genuinely interested in. But after years of deciding to be happy with myself and willingly envisioning a life alone I realized that I have forgotten one of the most basic elements of life for a single woman. It is good to be open to the possibility that someday there will be that "special someone". It is essential to recognize that despite past failures and the fact that I may still love the one I lost there can be that "someone" (I will go into my ideas on "the one" in a later post). I think I stopped flirting because I didn't want to always feel like I was constantly on the prowl, well that and I generally picked the wrong people to flirt with, date or hook-up with. But instead of pursuing the path of balance in this situation I unintentionally opted to choose total prudishness. I think it's time to get back on this bike and learn how to ride again.

The Downside of Making a Personal Vow

I had gotten bored and a little lazy lately, so I made a personal vow to start stepping out of my comfort zone again and take some risks. Without giving too much away on the great wide world of the internet, I just need to say that I should have made that vow on August 1st, because my life is going to be anything but boring and routine this weekend. I may gain a greater appreciation for the ordinary when it's all said and done!

Voyeurism and Normalcy

I love to read other people's blogs for two key reasons. One I have always been a nosy person, you know the kind to go in someone's bathroom and look in the medicine cabinet, read messages, mail and letters that were not addressed to me, and I have even stooped a time or two to all out spying (you know the kind where you follow two cars behind a person to see where they are going, actually I guess that's more like stalking). Now that I have the internet to let me feel like I am seeing a "secret" side of people through networking sites and blogs I am far less inclined to sneak, spy or stalk people I know. Instead I spend hours reading blogs of people I may or may not know. Believe it or not I enjoy reading blogs of people I don't know more than those I do. Mostly this is because the people I know that write blogs know that their friends and family are reading so they are carefully sensored making it feel less like an online "journal" and more like a newsletter. Although I am sure that the people's blogs I read are doing the exact same thing, I don't know that's being done so it's more interesting.

The second reason is that it makes me feel normal. I grew up in church as did many of my friends. One thing we seemed to learn in church is that you have to always be on your best behavior, behave nicely, eliminate, or at least hide any traces of anger, bitterness, fear or jealousy (just to name a few of the forbidden emotions not to mention the forbidden actions). Due to this and probably some other factors that a psychologist could have a ball with I seem to bottle up my emotions, sensor my words and actions, and let pride keep me from sharing some of my most basic and sincere feelings with those around me. But in blogs I read about complete strangers that were so sad they cried themselves to sleep simply because someone hurt their feelings, that they still haven't forgiven the girl that bullied them in high school, that they feel happy/sad/mad, etc. all in the same day,that they miss someone more than they thought they would, and that they are not always happy with their life and wonder about whether or not the grass is truly greener on the other side. I like it because it feels real to me and more importantly I can relate. Even I am more likely to admit in a blog that due to my pride I may have lost one of the most important people in my life, that my family and friends don't seem to "get me", that I don't really care what people think unless I do, and that I am scared of the fact that I may never be able to fall in love again and have children. But after I read other people's blogs I realize I am not alone in how I feel and that I am in fact "normal", not that there really is such a thing as normal, but I am sure someone (if anyone reads this) will know what I mean.

Call Me Crazy, But...

I actually like Mondays. And not just Monday's that fall as a part of a three day weekend, but every Monday. Don't get me wrong, I love the weekends for the obvious reasons: sleeping in, reading, time to watch movies, spending time with friends, catching up on housework, extra time outdoors, etc. but come Monday morning I am ready to get back into my routine. Although I am not crazy over my job, I don't mind it and I love my co-worker, so it makes going to work easier (most days). I love that feeling of productivity that comes with being at my job, especially those days I actually do something while I am there other than write blogs, surf the web, MySpace, email and IM. I think what I like most, it's kind of like New Year's Day (but on a much smaller scale), it's a new beginning. No matter what happened the week before it's a chance for me to do and be better at my job, my workouts, completing my to do lists, and basically be a better me. By Friday I am more than ready for the unstructured aspect of the weekends, but after 2 days I am ready to get back into my life. So instead of hating Mondays I think I will hate Wednesday, because it's too far into the week for me to feel the "new beginning" anticipation and too far away from the weekend to feel that sense of relief that another work week has passed and I survived.

Note: The inspiration for this post comes from the fact that I had a terrible weekend and was more excited to start the week and get back to work than normal!

Today

I feel fat today, which I'm sure is due to the fact that I have gained weight instead of losing - so much for self-control! I feel a little frustrated, lost, angry and alone which just plain stinks! For these feelings I can find several sources, but nothing specific. And I have no deep revelations, epiphanies or quotes to make it all better. I am just simply unhappy and I guess I just have to deal until I am happy again!

The One Thing I Can Control

There is much in my life I seem to have no control over, and I've decided that the title to this blog "Taking Control" is irrelevant. I will never have, nor do I seriously want to be able to be in constant control. I love that life is a roller coaster full of surprises. I love that the future is unknown and that someone I meet today could become essential to me for the rest of my life. I want to become financially stable and I long for more self-control in my eating habits and motivation to exercise, but in fact I love that some things are out of my control. The one thing that I do have control (at least most of the time) is my reaction. I can stay depressed, stressed and frantic, or choose to let go of whatever I can't control and be content in my life and my choices.

Despite a deep sadness over being hurt by someone I am close to, the constant financial struggle I am under and an overwhelming feeling of stress and "blahness" (this is my word for the day :) I am reminded that I have much to be thankful for. In so many countries around the world people work twice as hard as I do and make a fraction of what I make an hour. People live off of one meal a day and sleep in huts with no air conditioning. There are people that have never driven or been in a car, and they walk from point a to point b with bodies riddled with illnesses. There are children in America living in the same circumstances, or in huge homes being abused. There are mother's and father's dying of terminal illnesses leaving families and loved ones behind. And I am reminded that no matter how cliche it may sound that there is always someone worse off than we are, no matter what the circumstances. I am in fact very fortunate. I am fairly healthy, I have a home, a car, friends and family that love and support me, a job, a chance at an education and a future that seems bright rather than hopeless. I also still have the ability to dream, and the ability to work to make those dreams come true. So today I am choosing to acknowledge all that I have to be thankful for and realize that I am very blessed!

Words to Live By...

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." Serenity Prayer

The process of reduction

Last night I was exhausted so I didn't get very far on any of the steps for my goals, although I have thought about what I need to do to "fix" these situations.

In the past few months I have been increasingly intrigued by and pulled into the "green movement". One of the key phrases of this movement revolves around the 3R's - "Reduce, Reuse and Recycle". I have been trying to incorporate recycling into my life, but I realized that there is a reason the words fall into the order they do. To help the planet I must first focus on #1 - reduce. The idea is as simple as recognizing that if items aren't being created and manufactured then trees, the air, water, etc. have not been compromised! Also the process of reduction will help the environment, my budget and my weight problem. If I reduce my consumption specifically of fast and processed food, buy gallons of water instead of bottled water, drink tea instead of sodas (because I must have my caffeine), eat less and use less gas just to name a few changes then I will also reduce my weight and my budget. This sounds so simple, but it actually takes a lot of thought. It is so much easier for me to run through the McDonald's drive-thru then to buy groceries and cook, just like it's easier to jump in the car then walk to the mailbox when I'm at work. But I am forced to remember an important life lesson I learned long ago - The easy way is not always the right way!

Starting over (again)

Today is July 1, 2008. This date holds absolutely no significance for me other than the fact that it is the beginning of a new month. It happens to be perfectly situated in the middle of the year, which seemed like a perfect time to reevaluate my life. In the spirit of reevaluation I realized that I am very happy with my life, with the exception of two key areas.

The first and most problematic is my finances. I am severely in debt, with a very high debt to income ratio. Not only am I in debt up to my eyeballs to everyone, I am also struggling just to make ends meet with my monthly bills.

The second problem, but just as complicated for me to fix is my weight. I am considered overweight, and on some charts I have even fallen into the obese category. Because of this I have high blood pressure (that I refuse to take medication for) and everytime I begin to workout again, I end up getting injured. I am a four-time Weight Watchers dropout! This would not be so bad, but I ALWAYS end up packing on double the weight I lost in half the time.

So I've decided to put my goals/struggles/plans, etc. out there on the web to not only encourage myself, but maybe (if anyone every reads this) help others, and to glean from the wisdom of those around the world. So here goes....

Goal #1 - Get out of debt and be financially stable in one year
Specifics: I want to pay my car off, pay off all loans, creditors, etc. and have started paying back my considerable student loans by July 1, 2009. I also want to have at least $1,000.00 in savings, and be able to pay all my bills on or before the due date!

Goal #2 - Be under 130 lbs in a year.
Specifics: I weigh around 170 lbs. I have 40 lbs to lose by July 1, 2009.

Now for how to do this...

Goal 1/Step 1 (1.1):
1. Figure out exactly what I owe.
2. Make a list of monthly/income expenditures
3. Start a notebook that records everything I spend.
4. Start a list of ways to 1) increase my income, and 2) decrease my expenditures

Goal 2/Step 1 (2.1):
1. Record weight
2. Come up with a complete 3 month weight loss plan and goals