The Announcement

Mommy + Daddy + almost 2 years + 1 miscarriage + Lots of love + Lots of Prayer= BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have been scared to make this announcement on the internet, for fear I will have to retract it with a tragic story once again! I now admit that although this may be true, I simply must make it "official" on the web before I burst...of course it is not, nor will it be for another week or so, "Facebook official". I figure nobody reads this other than my sweet husband, so it's probably safe to announce it on the blog! I am scared to death, excited, overwhelmed and hopeful, pretty much all at once! We have a week and a half left, before the first trimester is over and then I can start the real celebrating and tell the rest of the world. I feel so blessed to have this opportunity once again! There is so much I could write about this experience, but as usual time simply doesn't allow it!

Big Changes Are Coming!!!

As of around 2:00 p.m. today Jason and I will know what big changes are coming! We are hopeful for one thing, but if it does not work out then we are moving on to the next step. The next step will be a resignation of sorts, but will also be a step towards a different type of future. We refuse to stop living our lives fully and completely, no matter what today's outcome is, so either way we will be making some serious decisions and probably some pretty big changes. Gotta love that Tuesday morning crypticness (I am sure that's not a word, but I liked it)!

Warning: Gratuitous Gushiness to Follow!

Today, like many days, I want to shout from the hilltops how much I love my husband. My heart feels as if it will burst with the emotion. I truly cannot believe how blessed I am! God brought the perfect person in my life for me and as cliche as it may sound he does complete me. I love him for the little things and the big things he does every day to show me he loves me. He is truly the love of my life and I cannot even imagine my life without him in it!

Although I can go on and on about this love I have for my wonderful, amazing husband, I will now end the gratuitous gushiness.

If There Is Anyone Who Reads This...

Please know that I have much I could write about in this blog, where I spew my feelings so easily, but alas we have auditors here at this lovely job I toil away at for hours each day, so the spewing will have to wait.

Misanthrope

I came across this word (misanthrope) and had to look it up. According to Dictionary.com it means "hater of mankind". And all I could think when I read this is, oh boy, do I have days that I am a misanthrope :D (I am trying not to think that this is one of those days, but lets be honest, sometimes people just annoy me)!

Uninspired

I woke up this morning feeling completely uninspired. My life revolves around this schedule: I get up, throw myself together, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed around 8:00 p.m. My husband tries to motivate me to go out, but I am just not feeling it. I am tired of hurting inside. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a face and body I cannot stand to look at. I am tired of being sad. I am very tired of pretending I am not sad. I think at this point I am just tired. I need something to make me feel better. This is not fair to my husband, my family, my friends, or to me. But I cannot seem to find my way out of this :(

Fighting

The minute they announced that my childhood heartthrob, Kirk Cameron, was coming to our church to do a "Love Worth Fighting For" Conference, I was like a kid at Christmas. I felt like I grew up with Mike Seaver, the character played by Kirk Cameron. He was wild, fun, mischievous and charming, all attributes I longed to possess. So when the announcement was made, there was no question that I would purchase the tickets ASAP. J was not quite as excited, but as always he was a good sport. The conference did not disappoint. Kirk Cameron was so genuine, and not stuck-on-himself, which I actually expected :) The lessons taught were Bible based and doable. It was a good night for J and I to share some time together, and reaffirm our love for each other. We were once again reminded that our marriage, above all things, other than our relationship with God, is priority one, and worth the fight.

All of that being said, I hurt so much emotionally again, it feels as if it could cripple me. It started yesterday. I was feeling so strong, and now I could turn into a puddle of tears at any given moment. I think it is because I had envisioned going to the conference knowing we were forming a family of our own. Church was hard. So many things will be hard over the next few months, because I set my sights to many of the key moments coming up, thinking I would experience them as a mom-to-be. My heart is sad, my eyes are sad, and as a whole, I am beyond sad! I do not feel strong enough to stand at times, yet each day from somewhere deep inside I find the will to fight! So for now that is all I can do, fight for my sanity, fight for my husband, fight for my job and fight for the ability to stand when my world is spinning out of control.

"A Little Bit Stronger"

Last night I was thinking that I am now a "childless mother". I have had a child inside of me, growing and depending on me, even if it was for a very short time. I knew the feeling of love that comes from knowing that J and I created a life. It saddens me that I will never know this child we conceived. It breaks my heart as I touch my stomach feeling empty, rather than full of life and joy. I miss a child I never got to know.

But on the other hand, I feel like a different woman. I did, for a very short while, carry another being inside of me. People may say that this was not a life yet, but to me this was my child. I now have a small insight into the love a mother feels for her child. I know I can't completely understand, because I am sure the love for a child grows stronger over each passing day. But, I felt a powerful love and need to protect our child for the very brief time he/she was being nourished by my body.

I am now a woman who has not only known a different love, but the love of others has been revealed to me in very special ways. Not that I needed it, but I now have proof that my husband will stand by me no matter what. He never left my side at the hospital. He held me every time I cried. He placed his own grief on hold to let me grieve. He loves me, even when I have trouble loving myself. I also have found out how much I am loved by some amazing family and friends. We received food, countless texts, phone calls and Facebook messages from people that care for us and shared in our grief. I have gained so much strength from my friends and family.

Spiritually, I feel like I have crossed a great divide and am moving in a new direction. My faith has been tested, but it is not lacking. I still know God loves me, and I love Him. I will never understand, but I accept that this path was designed for us specifically with a divine purpose in mind. I have been angry, but I did not let unbelief grab hold, as I have in the past. I have leaned on God's promises. I have sought Him in my quiet times. I made a promise to love Him, and I do, in ways I cannot express. I trust Him, even though it defies my logical side.

I have stood up under insurmountable pain. I have endured. I have learned from this experience, about myself, my husband, our relationship and my friendships. I have been faithful. And most surprising of all is the fact that I continue to love, move, live and breathe, even when it feels like there is no reason to do so. As a result of all of that, right now what I feel the most is STRONG (at least a little bit).

And Now...

I'm not pregnant. Just that quick, it was over, before it really began. The story is no more tragic than the next, but it has turned our lives upside down. I cannot write anymore right now, because this is my first day back to work and I have got to stop crying.

Worry and Fear

I want so badly to post the story of finding out we are pregnant, but I find myself focused on the fear that this will end badly. I have very mild symptoms, which I totally feel is just another wonderful part of God's blessing, but it scares me each day as I wonder if there is enough of the necessary hormones to sustain the little life growing inside of me. I live in a state of fear. I feel guilty for not being able to relax in the sovereignty of God's plan. I keep telling myself that my body was created for this, that morning sickness is not a definite sign that there will not be any problems, but still I worry.

Do not get me wrong, I am beyond happy to be pregnant, I am just ready to have that first ultrasound, hear the heartbeat and know that my beautiful baby is truly growing inside of me :)

No Longer in Limbo

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Limbo

Since Sunday night after seeing the first home pregnancy test with a faint blue "positive" line, I have been in limbo...

Sunday/Monday: Held hope, excitement, fear and then heartbreak. I barely made it through work, but I was still so hopeful that the blood test would come back positive.

Tuesday: I got the news that the blood test was negative as well, while I was home for lunch. I walked into work a mess, bawling as if I had just lost everything. In a way I felt like I had. I feel as if in this quest to conceive this was the final blow. How could I be so close and it really not be happening? I went home to cry. I prayed, read my Bible, seeking some type of understanding.

Wednesday: I made it through the workday. No tears. But when I got home I was too exhausted to move. My heart is shattered.

Today: I was awake at 5 a.m. crying out to God, begging for acceptance and understanding. Then I got up and actually made myself look appropriate for work (meaning I bothered to fix my hair and do my makeup, rather than being scared my tears would mess it up). But over these last few days I have researched what could have happened to give me 4 positive home pregnancy tests, but 2 negative tests at the doctor. There is very little chance all four tests were wrong, considering they were from two separate brands on two separate days. The only truly plausible answers are: 1) That I am pregnant, but it was too early for the tests at the doctors to pick up (not likely, but possible); or 2) That I miscarried. Right now I am in limbo. My body seems to be in waiting mode, providing little for clues. I believe all of my online research is making me paranoid and I have played a million scenarios through my mind. I am scared that I may have cancer. I am scared that I am losing my mind. I am scared that this will play out time and time again without me being able to have a child with my husband. I have started reading infertility blogs. These offer both comfort and body numbing fear. I try so hard to leave this all in God's hands, but my heart hurts so much and I want to be able to move past limbo.

"I Cannot Take Anymore"

There are days you really feel you cannot take anymore! That is me today, and it is only Wednesday. Long story short my week consisted of my husband leaving for the week, four positive home pregnancy tests, elation over these, and devastation when the tests at the doctors came back negative. I cannot believe the feeling of depression, heartbreak and pain that is invading my spirit right now. I have cried an ocean full of tears. I could not even work yesterday after my doctor's office called! I am also scared to death that something is seriously wrong (i.e. a cyst, cancer or miscarriage), which caused the four "false" positives. The more online research I do, the more concerned I become! I am finding it hard to move, breathe, etc. It is so hard to want something so bad and to now feel as if I can't even trust the very tests that are supposed to provide me assurance that I am pregnant. At this point in time all I can do is cry, pray and trust in God! On top of all of this, I really, really miss my husband :(

Ellipticals, Treadmills and Bikes...Oh My!

Jason and I got a gym membership on Sunday and actually used it on Monday! It felt so good to be back in the gym. I had no idea how much I missed it. As much as I LOVE to do outdoor activities, there is nothing more inspiring (or as intimidating) as going to a gym full of fit, mostly younger people to make me want to break a sweat :) Jason did not like it at first, but I think it will grow on him...haha! In his defense, I think the bike he was using may have been possessed. I chose to do the elliptical, you know the death trap with paddle feet. All in all, we felt like champs after our thirty minute sweatfest, so we will be back at it again tonight. But alas,I am at work early for a reason, so guess I better get to the actual work part. I will elaborate more on what inspired this decision and some of my goals in a later post!

Another Day

Last night I took another negative test, another broken heart, another bout with depression, another month I am denied my greatest desire, it's just another day in my life :(

Loving God

After a very long time of living in doubt about my faith, about the very existence of God, I have come to a place of belief. Unfortunately, I cannot say that a miracle in the form of a child has caused this faith to blossom, but simply God making His presence known to me by the gentle revelation of himself to me during Sunday worship service. I realized that my faith was not a choice, as I was trying to make it, but God is God, I am His and I have no choice, but to love the Creator of all things. At that very moment, I did make a decision that I feel will change the course of my life. I told God that I will love Him no matter what happens. If I do not conceive, I will love Him. If I lose everything, I will love Him. If I prosper and see an abundance of blessings (this would be my first choice of course), I will love Him. I will not make my love and faith in God conditional upon the fulfillment of my earthly desires. And after years of singing the song that says "I love Him, because He first loved me", I finally understand what it means. Christ loved me, gave His life for me that I may live a life knowing that there is a greater love and a greater purpose for my life than I can imagine. The true beauty of this is that this purpose, or plan, has been pre-orchestrated by God himself. All I must do is love Him, because He loves me and will take care of me. So, that is where I am today. I am building a relationship with my Savior. I am leaning on Him through the hurt and pain of not having a child. I am realizing I can't just say it's in God's hands and get mad when I don't get my way, but I must accept His plan as divinely inspired and purposeful.

Counting Down the Days...

To Our Mini-Vacation!!!!! I am still in my funk, but am looking extremely forward to vacation :) J and I are going to Pigeon Forge, TN in 2 weeks and 1 day. We are working hard on branching out and traveling to new locales, rather than continuously hitting up the same beaches. This is hard of course, because we LOVE the beach!!!! It will be 4 short, but much, much needed days to relax and enjoy each other's company! And after this trip I get to start planning our next trip...hmm...I'm thinking beach in September and Washington D.C. in October for our anniversary :)

I Want To Not Want

I am glad nobody reads this blog (as far as I know), because I feel like I can write through the craziness without guilt. I do not have to fear I am boring anybody, or they are going to get tired of hearing the same old song post after post. Last week, I felt so strong, this week, I feel as if I have been bulldozed. My heart hurts and it is almost a physical pain. I feel empty and alone. It takes everything I have to pull myself out of bed, to pretend that life is good and I am happy. Do not get me wrong, I know I am blessed and I love my husband with all my heart. But, as I have learned many times, one love cannot replace another, one dream fulfilled cannot replace a dream denied. They can make it easier at times, but cannot remove the pain completely. I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I want to not ride a roller coaster of hope, the destruction of that hope, and acceptance month after month. I want to not want what I can't have.

Time to Start Living Again

God always gives us what we need. This is a lesson I am learning on a daily basis. I am finding peace, patience and strength in the midst of infertility. I am finding joy in circumstances that make me feel beaten down. I am finding victory in Christ. And overall, I realize that the struggles in my life are doing what they are supposed to do, increasing my faith and making me lean on a God that never fails. Today I feel strong, tomorrow who knows, but I do know that God has a plan spelled out that is greater than I could ever create for my life. I am also regaining my emotional footing, and planning a future that does not involve children. I am planning to go back to school, focusing on my career, volunteering, spending time with my incredible husband, dreaming of missions trips and travels with my husband, and finding who I am once again. Yesterday, I realized that the people I admire the most in life and most want to emulate are the ones that truly see no limits to what they can do and then they figure if they can dream it, they can do it! I want to be that person that believes in myself and remembers that God placed me on this earth for a purpose, and His plan is always greater than my own! The last couple weeks have been a turning point for me and I have determined that it is time for me to start living again! I may not get everything I want, but if I follow in His footsteps I will get everything and more than I need in life.

An Uphill Battle

I feel as if I am fighting an uphill battle emotionally. I can't seem to win, I can't seem to stay strong longer than a day or two, I can't seem to stop myself from drowning in the abyss of pain and yet I am constantly reminded of how very much I have to be thankful for. Today, I had to face the realities that yet another month has passed without conceiving a child. A year and a half of my life has been spent waiting in anticipation for a miracle that never seems to come. Every month I tell myself there is still a chance, and every month I become more disappointed. I try to keep having faith that the Lord's plan will be revealed, or better that in His perfect time I will get pregnant, but each day faith becomes more elusive.

At the same time I hear of a friend I had in high school who found out her husband of 2 years has cancer. This is a battle I can't imagine facing, one that could potentially take my husband's life, because then I would truly feel as if my life had ended. I hear of yet another politician cheating on his wife and think of the betrayal, hurt, anger, embarrassment and loss she is experiencing at this very moment. I think of the blog's I read of people who have lost husbands, children, miscarried or are raising a child with a life-threatening illness and again I am faced with the fact that I am very blessed to not be going through these battles.

It is this struggle that is hardest sometimes. I know I should be grateful and happy in this moment of life. I know that there are so many worse things than not being able to conceive, but this battle is so very, very hard for me to endure. I am weak, I am tired, I am angry, I am so deeply sad, I am scared and so often I feel lonely. Mostly these days I just pretend, but what happens when I have gotten so used to pretending that I forget how to feel, who I really am and why I am here. I am worried that our marriage may not withstand this, because J has so much going on at work I don't want to burden him. Plus he worries so much about my emotional state that it will only stress him out more and I worry about his health, especially with all the added stress of his new job. So here I am, trudging up this long hill with no end in sight, fighting back tears and wishing that somehow, someway I could believe that my miracle will come in one form or fashion.

Ugh!

I must say I just got a lovely reminder (sarcasm is hard to read here, but believe me it is present) of how quickly our moods can affect others. I mean seriously, how in the world people think it is okay to be crappy to others, because they are miserable makes absolutely no sense to me. I am trying so hard not to let hurtful words and attitudes affect my outlook for today, seeing that it is only 9:15 a.m., but that is a battle I have been trying to fight all of my life. Oh well, time to shut my door, get my work done and then enjoy my wonderful four day weekend.

The Excess

I was stressing out about money on the way home for lunch today (which is nothing new), but then it hit me that I was stressing out over how to spend the excess. You see, I am used to stressing about which bills I absolutely have to pay and which ones can wait until the next payday, out of necessity. But I was very taken back when I realized I was not stressing about how we were going to eat, pay bills or put gas in the cars, but how we were going to spend the extra that we will have after those things are taken care of for the next two weeks. It was such an eye-opening realization for me. I had to repent of this, because in my opinion this is the very type of sin that Jesus spoke about in the New Testament, most specifically of worshiping money. He tells us not to worry about what we will eat and wear, because He will take care of these things, so to worry about the excess is most definitely worshiping money. I repented and prayed that God would help me to use my money, my time (also my worry time, which should be minimal, if I remember that God is ALWAYS in control)and my life the way He would have me too. I know this is a lesson I will have to be taught over and over, but for now I am simply feeling slightly chastised and extremely grateful for where He has brought me from and all that He has given me.

New Obsession

I have a new obsession and I am not sure it's a healthy one. I am becoming an avid reader of blogs about families and most of all people going through infertility. There is a part of me that says "of course I would want to read about others I can relate to", but then there is the part of me that is saying "how will you ever move forward if you continue to focus on what is not meant for you at this time". But, right now I choose to go with the part of me that is completely sure it is helping me. Peeking into other women's lives as they blog about their personal experiences is a gentle reminder that the women writing these blogs are going through similar situations and yet they continue to live their lives. This wanting and not being able to conceive a child can be all-consuming at times and this is a necessary reminder, to continue living and not to just become dormant or a casual observer of my own life. All of the blogs I am reading represent women at different stages of trying to become a mother. Some, like me, are still just hoping and trying "the good old fashioned way". Some are going through IVF treatments. And some, these are the most tragic and frightening for me to read, have miscarried or lost a baby. Then I read of families and I long for that life. So for a few minutes, sometimes hours a day, I focus on other people's lives, struggles and dreams deferred. For some reason, at least this week, this has been very cathartic for me. So as I prepare for a lovely four-day weekend, which will include my first solo roadtrip since 2009, time with my sister preparing her home for her precious baby who will be here in May/June, spending time with my beautiful niece, coming home to the love of my life, my husband, and spending time with the rest of my family on Sunday, I am oddly comforted knowing I am not the only one that is making the choice to live life to the fullest, all while longing to be the mother I know I am meant to be.

Birthday Time - Again!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be 35! I still can't believe that I am this grown-up version of me. I still feel young, like fresh out of high school young, until I get out of bed and my knee pops or I remember that conceiving a child in my 30's is obviously much harder than it would have been in my 20's. I feel happy and giddy in love, like a teenager, even after a year and a half of marriage. I still think like I am in my 20's, like I have the rest of my life to accomplish my goals. And I still have some of the same goals, such as skydiving and hiking the Appalachian Trail in its entirety, which would have been much easier on my body in my 20's :). But overall, I am reminded that the old adage "age is just a number" is so very true! What is far more important than my age is how good I feel about who I am, and right now, I feel really good about being me!

Date Night!!!!

Jason and I are reinstating date night into our weekly routine :) Tonight we are going to Waterstone Pizza (a yummy pizza parlor with a fantastic and trendy atmosphere in downtown Lynchburg)! Not sure what we will do afterwards, but just going out to eat and spending time together will be wonderful. We love going different places and I really love breaking our routine and spending time together, especially during the week. It is always a much needed break from the day to day routine! Well back to work I go, just had to let out some of my excitement!

The Inconceivable

In my return blog I said that there was a heartbreak portion to the year that has passed. In December, 2009 Jason and I were riding to work together and we made a decision that we were going to start trying to have a baby. I can honestly say that even after we made the decision I was scared, well more like terrified, because as we all know I hate change! But, after a few months of trying and not succeeding I realized that I really wanted to have a baby so very, very much. I thought it would take a few months, six at best to conceive a child. Jason and I were so excited, scared, but excited. As of today, 1 year and 3 months later, I am still not pregnant. I know for women who have waited and been denied for 5, 10, 15 years this is a drop in the bucket. I know we may still get pregnant, that this is not that long to wait in the grand scheme of life. But, if you have never struggled or been denied a dream you could never understand. And if you have not struggled with this particular battle you cannot imagine the pain, heartbreak, emotional and physical stress that this (I refuse to claim infertility yet) can cause. I cry so much more than I used to. I feel like a failure in every way, and I do mean every way, as a wife, employee, friend, daughter, etc. It has affected every part of my life. My faith is wobbly at best. I cannot understand how a God that loves us would let a woman that abuses her child give birth and I cannot conceive. I see a pregnant woman and I am envious. I go to a baby shower and feel like the world is falling in around me. I hold a baby and never want to let go, because I cannot hold one of my own. I have taken so many pregnancy tests and waited the long three minutes. I have gone back hours later just to see if maybe, by some chance that magical plus sign or line had appeared. I have touched my belly and thought, maybe, just maybe deep inside of me a life is growing. I have screamed at God (no, I am not proud of this). I have begged, bargained and been angry with God, myself and Jason. I get upset with Jason, because I feel like he can't understand, because he has had the gift of having 2 children to call his own. I know in my heart this is not true, but in my darkest moments when my mind can only see as far as my wants and needs, I let myself believe this. We haven't gone through any tests, and we won't. There are many reasons for this. I won't go through treatments. We may adopt, but that will come in a few years, if at all. And then there are the other days. Those days I am okay with the fact that it may just be Jason and I. We are very happy together. He is my rock, my strength and my gift from God. Sometimes, it even seems selfish to ask for more. So it's a roller coaster. In a few years, this will be over, one way or another, but for now all I can do is wait...

My Job...

Hmmm...I do not even know where to begin this post. My job is a blessing and a curse. It is the most rewarding and most demeaning experience. It is challenging and dull all at once at times. It is a job. I want something more, something different, but I have to say that this job is such a testament to what hard work, discipline and drive can do for a person. Without my degree and a company that believes you do not have to have multiple years of experience to succeed I would still be slaving away at the law office, truly feeling useless. I work harder now than I ever have in a job, more hours, more while I am present and yet I am ALWAYS behind. I know this is not my forever job, my career or exactly where my future lies, but for now I must say I am truly blessed!

To start...

In the last two years I have gotten FAT!!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I was not skinny when Jason and I started dating, but I was weighing in at 153 lbs (about 30 lbs overweight for my frame). A couple months ago, I topped out at 200 lbs, and now I have stayed in the 190-195 lb range. So, I am officially obese!!! My health is crap at this point! And the crazy thing is, that I am more self-confident than I can remember being in my life. I know that this is because my wonderful husband truly finds me beautiful. He tells me this all the time and shows me in a million ways that my weight honestly does not bother him AT ALL! It bothers me, but not enough to make a change. So this morning I decided I'm literally not going to try to change it. This may sound like I am giving up, giving in, or just flat out lazy, and do not get me wrong it is possible that all of these are true! But essentially, I am tired of stressing out about it. I have so many other things in my life that I want to focus on, my weight is not going to be one of my priorities. Now, I do have a ulterior motive to this thought process. I honestly believe that once I start focusing on the areas and goals in my life that I am passionate about, I will lose weight. I will be busier, happier and with my focus on things other than food, I will just lose the weight! I plan on monitoring to make sure this plan does not backfire on me, but I am hopeful :) It helps that one of my goals is to run 5 races this year, so the workouts alone should help the weight loss progress!

I Think I'm Back

After over a year of not writing, I think I am going to try blogging again! I have been journaling at home, but I have missed blogging a lot. I like this outlet, even if after a year I am quite sure nobody is going to be reading this again. That may be okay though, because it will offer me the freedom to write whatever under a (quite possibly false) sense of anonymity. I am actually really busy at work right now, but I will hopefully have time soon to write about my wonderful, crazy, heartbreaking, complicated year! For now though, I am actually just glad I remembered my password :)