No Title (Because the original title "Brain Puke" Sounds Pretty Gross)

This is going to be one of those posts where there is so much going on in my head I just need to let it all out, and where better to do that but my own personal piece of heaven (aka: my blog)!

1. I had a fantastic run last night. We invited someone new to run with us. He's in significantly better shape than we are, but I think we have found an equalizer for the race tomorrow morning (that would be the 5K turkey trot) - he gets to push the stroller!!!

2. I am so completely, overly excited about Thanksgiving Day!!!!! My sister and her husband are coming in and my stepbrothers! They will all be here today!!!! This makes me very happy! And how can you not love a day where the only goal is to hang out with family, friends and stuff your face?

3. My paper is so not finished!!!!!! Oh well, I'll submit what I have and deal with it after Black Friday shopping! Oh yes, I will be a part of the crazy crowd out at 4:00 a.m. shopping, despite the fact I have no money to do so with! It is all about tradition folks. And spending quality time with my mom and sister.

4. I need my friend, B, to get better, because I must have my partner in crime at Thanksgiving Dinner. We have plans for turkey's stuffed with prozac, vodka soaked cranberry sauce and other fabulously evil plans in place. If she's not there it will not be half as much fun getting this very straightlaced crowd a little tipsy! (This is totally in jest... We will not be drugging, or providing alcohol to the guests - we will be keeping it for ourselves, thank you very much).

5. Yesterday, despite being a potentially debilitating day for me was made extremely special by my co-worker! I am so blessed!!! I am not looking forward to the day I have to get a real job so I can pay back the exorbitant student loans and make good use of that degree I worked 15 years for, simply because I will really miss her!

6. I can't believe I am working on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, considering my boss left no work. The sad part about this is that he will return and we will probably be in here working our butts off until 6 or later...we know the routine by now :)

7. I have been spending some time reevaluating my life... trying to decide if I am really that bad of a person. I haven't come to any conclusions. I don't think I am and I really have good reasons for the things I do, but I am pretty sure I am not a great communicator when it comes to the important stuff. I am trying to move past being hurt and fix things, but sometimes I am too sensitive for my own good.

8. I have nervous butterflies in my stomach (and no I will not be sharing why I have them)!

9. I am trying to decide what secret I am going to share with my mom. My brother, sister and I have a "tradition" of telling mom secrets that we wouldn't tell her any other day on the big holidays. My best one yet, was her inadvertently finding out about my tattoo on Mother's Day a couple years ago. Granted I have some that would top that one, but we try to tell her things that won't give her a heart attack...so I need something good, but funny too? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated :)

10. I really should stop playing on the internet and put my makeup on.

11. I am incredibly thankful! I am in a better place this year than I have been in several years! I have amazing and wonderful people (friends and family) in my life, I have an apartment I love (although with last night's craziness I am pretty sure it is not the best neighborhood), my car may be old, but it's almost now officially mine, I (hopefully) will have my degree in December (fingers crossed and prayers sent up), and I am happy! I spent the last few years very broken and now I feel whole. Experience has taught me that I will always come out the other side stronger. I miss so much of what I lost, but it also makes me so much more appreciative of what I have and who I am today! My list of things I am thankful for could go on and on, and this makes me feel extremely blessed!

Phew, now that I have spewed my brain (isn't that an appealing picture) all over the web I think I am done...

I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving, and please know if you are someone I know personally that reads this I am so thankful for you and blessed to have you in my life. And if you are a reader that I don't know - thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy a glimpse of my craziness that all those that know and love me get to see all the time!

In Memory

Today would have been my Grandma Lois's 76th Birthday! It's been almost three years since she passed away! I still miss her so much. I miss her hugs, her phone calls, her sitting in her chair at her apartment while I put together her medicines, how she always asked why we were leaving so soon even if we had been there all day, her telling me how much she loved me and countless other memories.

If she was here today I would have called her to wish her a Happy Birthday, and probably gone to see her. She wouldn't have had the party with the family until Thanksgiving Day probably. She would have downplayed the fact that it was her birthday. She would tell me she had nothing to wear to Thanksgiving dinner, and ask me again how many people are going to be there. She would have been nervous about coming. But me, or Jenn would have picked her up and taken her to mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner where she would have made the stuffing and gravy! She was forgetting the recipes she had made all her life though, so maybe she would have just sat and visited. We would have had a cake and she would have had a party. Everyone would have celebrated, because she was so loved, even by those who didn't know her well.

She was the matriarch of the family. I would always tell her that she would outlive me, because God knew I didn't want to be here without her. But, she did leave. She was ready, even if we weren't. So today I celebrate her birthday, missing her, but knowing she lived the life she was meant to live. Her memory lives on forever in the hearts and minds of all her family!

We miss and love you so much Grandma! Happy Birthday!

Hmmmm....

I keep a private journal on top of having this one. I do that because there are just some things that are too personal to put out on the web for people to know about me. I sometimes wish I was one of those people that could put it all out there, all the time. And actually with a lot of my friends I am that way. But then when you do that with some people, they throw it back in your face, leaving you more closed off then you were before. So I guess it's better sometimes not to be the put it all out there person.

Well, enough of my ramblings for today...back to work on this paper. There will be time enough later to ponder the reasons we do the things we do and other abstract, nonsensical thoughts...

Losing Brain Cells and Other Craziness

I want an eco-friendly cabin in the mountains somewhere, or an eco-friendly beach house. I want to believe that I can help preserve the rivers and forests so that they will be there for people to enjoy in future generations. I want to be able to travel to the rainforest someday, and if I get over hating the cold, go wherever I can to see polar bears, and not have to worry about them becoming extinct. I want to make a difference. I want to believe that it's not too late to do that. That is why I chose to write this paper on the environmentalist movement, because it is something I care about, although right this minute I would rather be driving my car a million miles away and not worrying about how much gas I am using, or whether the cups I'm drinking out of are recycleable or not!

Can you tell I'm a little stressed, possibly on the verge of a breakdown and quite definitely going to be braindead by the end of this weekend? It's a really good thing I never did drugs, because I am going to need all my brain cells to actually complete this paper :)

Post-Script (I really like typing that rather than P.S.): Yay!!!! A friend just texted me and she is kidnapping me for a couple hours so I may have a reprieve and not start rocking back and forth and mumbling incoherent phrases like "the sky is falling" or some other craziness!

My Weekend Plans Are....

To spend about 30 of the approximately 60 weekend hours working on my independent study paper and my internship journal!!!! Per a good friend's admonition I am to turn my phone off and not to make any plans or go out (I made the BIG mistake of asking him to keep me on track. Just kidding, I am incredibly thankful for his motivation, even if it gets a little scary at times). Plus, I will be sneaking a couple runs in there, a little bit of sleep, and probably a lot of eating, but I don't have to tell him that, since he lives hours and hours away and won't know :)

Channeling My Inner Diana Ross: "I Will Survive"

I've been an "absentee" blogger this week. Truthfully there's not a good reason, I just simply haven't known what to write. For the past few years November and December have not been good for me, and unfortunately memories and the sadness they bring seem to make me more down this time of year, and this normally continues until March. I joke and call it my winter depression, but it kind of is. It gets bad enough that people close to me, like my sister, have recognized it and come to expect it. I get to where I don't want to go places, talk to or see people, do anything but the absolute essentials of going to work, school and home to bed.

I fear this.

I am fighting it.

I am trying to focus on the positive. I am going to force myself to keep up my workouts and time with friends. I am going to try to convince some friends to take a trip somewhere tropical, or at least warmer in January. And I know that as the years pass and I get further removed from the pain I get stronger. It doesn't hurt quite as bad and the moments that I feel like curling up in a ball and crying are fewer and farther apart.

And I know now that...

I am not only a survivor

I am a warrior

And the biggest blessing of all is that I have some of the most amazing and wonderful people in my life that I'm pretty sure won't let me do the whole curling up in a ball thing when I get weak. I know this year will be much brighter and the darkness less scary then it has been the past few years. I also know that I am a stronger person than I was even a year ago and I am going to rely on the deep sources of inner strength that I now possess to maintain my joy and contentment in life!

Internet Dating

I know several people that have found love via internet dating, some who are very happily married to the person they met online. So I do not have a problem with internet dating, and I do believe it works for some people, just not me. But, I have to wonder what the world is coming to when people start to think you are crazy for NOT being on one or twenty of these sites. You see,I may be old fashioned, but I prefer to meet someone in person and see where it goes from there (yeah, yeah, I know this obviously has not worked for me to this point, but I still maintain it could). I also do not have the patience to fish through hundreds of profiles, emails and pics hoping to find someone I may have a connection with, to find out they completely lied in their profile and they prefer watching Seinfeld (which I hate) reruns to going hiking, or spending time with me (and no, this did not happen to me - it is purely an example).

Don't get me wrong, there have been occasions that I have started to sign up or start a profile, just for fun or when I have been particularly lonely, but then in a day or so I forget all about it. That is until I start getting the 50 million emails that tell me my true love is right around the corner and has viewed my profile, and all I have to do is pay $39.95 a month to find him. This I have a problem with as well, am I really only going to find true love if I pay for it!?!

I just don't get how for hundreds of years people have hooked up the "old fashioned" way and now everyone thinks it needs to be done via cyberspace first, to see if someone is worth your time. Plus in my case, my personality trumps my looks every time, so someone is likely to be pretty disappointed if they fall for me online and then meet me in person (this is not me being self-deprecating, simply being honest).

And I guess being the hopeless romantic I secretly am (I don't know if this is a secret or not), I want a beautiful "how we met, how we got to know each other, when we just knew we were in love" story. The last time I was interested in someone people kept telling me I needed to make the first move and tell him how I felt, but I want a guy that is bold enough to tell me first, that thinks I'm worth that effort. I really am old-fashioned!!! I guess that's why I have chosen to be content with being single, because I am scared in the era of speed and cyber dating, that I may not find that, but like I've said before I will always believe it's possible and live life hopeful!

And for purposes of total disclosure, I have to admit I did meet someone on Myspace once. He was a nice guy, but we had more chemistry via IM than we did in person.

Note: I was going to write about how extremely positive and happy I have been with life in general lately(well, except for the last two days - but I blame that on the low caffeine levels and giving up sodas), but this rant seemed like more fun!

Just A Few Things I Would Love To Have Right Now

A large glass of diet pepsi; a long, hot bath in a jacuzzi tub followed by a hot oil massage; the 1965 Mustang convertible I found for sale online; a fully completed paper on the soio-history and typology of actors involved in the environmentalist movement; a fully completed journal to turn in on my internship; a hug that included a shoulder to cry on; a nap; someone to wisk me away for a romantic vacation in a secluded cabin or at the beach; some real hot chocolate; internet access at home and my wireless driver on my computer fixed; an HD-TV; enough money so I don't have to worry about bills or Christmas; a phone call from someone in particular; and a genie in a bottle that will grant me all of my wishes instead of just 3!

Update: I managed to get the nap, which helped me not need the other stuff quite so much :)

More Signs I Am Actually a Grown-up (getting old)

I went to a Home and Garden Party with a friend last night. Not only did I go, but I also actually liked the pottery, candles and artwork that she was selling (this would be that sign I am getting old - I mean am a grown-up). And I talked my friend into throwing a party (which I think I am supposed to be co-hosting), because I really wanted to go to another one (when I actually have some money to spend).

Anyway, at the party we were talking about how coke (the soda, not the drug)can clean the corrosion (gunk) off of a car battery. I started to think about that and realized that it's time to give up sodas. I am entirely addicted to sodas, and more importantly from 6:15 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. feel like I absolutely cannot function without A LOT of caffeine!!!! So I figured it's best just to cut them out completely and suffer through the withdrawal for a couple weeks and then be done with it. Of course, I will probably just replace the 60ozs of diet soda with tea, which of course I drink sweet, so instead of flooding my system with artificial chemicals I will be consuming 600-800 calories on beverages a day...I'm really not sure how this is going to help, but we'll see. And I know I should only drink water, but there is no way I could go off caffeine during my last month of school!!!!! But at least I won't be consuming drinks that eat away at my insides!

I am really, really trying to lose weight and get healthy so we'll see how this all works out :)

Monks Fighting and the President's DNA

I was watching the 11:00 news last night and saw where two groups of monks were fighting on the streets of Jerusalem. I was under the assumption that monks were supposed to be all about peace, civility, etc. If monks can riot on the streets of Jerusalem there is not a lot of hope for the rest of us I guess :)

Then this morning on the radio I heard that to protect the President's DNA they destroy any glass he drinks out of when he goes out in public. There were some other ways that they protect his DNA that I won't go into, but suffice it to say I would not want to be part of that secret service detail.

Ahh...I'm so glad the election is over so we can stop missing all of these terribly riveting news stories :)

I am going to be super busy this week, so I may not be posting much (although I may because this is a great way to procrastinate), but I hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Being "Old" Isn't So Bad

My sister and I were having a conversation about the leaves changing this morning, when it hit me that we are truly considered "old", well older. In no way could a teenager, or someone in their early 20's even, have listened to our conversation and thought we were in anyway "cool" or "hip", or whatever adjectives no longer apply to us. I'm not sure when exactly it happened but instead of talking about the latest movies and movie stars, who is the "cutest" boy in class, how horrible it is that we are so misunderstood and what we were going to be when we grow up (okay, that one actually still does happen); we now discuss home decorating, the economy, politics and yes, even the fact that the leaves are finally changing in North Carolina. The thing that hit us as being so funny, is that we still feel young and think we're "cool". We still fit in with our friends because they are having the same conversations, we live life fully and completely, and we never feel like we are behind or not "cool" because we don't know who the young actors are or are up on the latest technology, despite the fact that at 16 we swore we always would. Life changes, we evolve, our interests change and we grow up, and I happen to like the "grown up" me a lot.

Of course realizing that it can take you an entire week to recuperate from one all-nighter, makes being "old" a little more difficult to take! Guess that explains why 32 year olds don't stay out all night very often :)

Exercise Your Right

Before today I have been one of the many people who simply wanted this day to come and be over with. The campaign has been long and seemed endless. I have voted before and always just voted a single party line. But this time I paid attention and in choosing who I wanted to vote for I waffled, even contemplating voting for Mickey Mouse. I, of course, did not do this, because I wanted my vote to count for something, and not just be another number. So as of this morning I made a final decision, and felt completely at peace with it. Not only that, but I found myself being excited about the prospect of voting. What surprised me most though was how overwhelmed I was, as in almost moved to tears, by the voting process today(despite a glitch in the system that forced me to go to 2 polling places before they would let me cast my vote - there were moments of anger at that point, but moving on...).

It him me this morning as I pulled into the packed parking lots and stood in line how much I love the fact that we live in a place that we have the right to choose our leaders, express our opinions, and make some sort of difference. I love that we do not have to worry whether we are going to be killed, ambushed or beaten, like they do in many other countries, when we go to the polls. I love the fact that people were bringing their children and telling them how fortunate we are to live in this country, teaching them that one vote can make a difference. I love the excitement and the energy that people had at 7:00 in the morning standing in line waiting to exercise their right to vote. I love that tonight millions of Americans will be glued to the television waiting to hear who we, as a country, have elected. We don't have to all agree on who should lead, but we should all take a moment to realize how blessed we are to live in the United States of America and be thankful for the freedoms we do possess.