Misanthrope

I came across this word (misanthrope) and had to look it up. According to Dictionary.com it means "hater of mankind". And all I could think when I read this is, oh boy, do I have days that I am a misanthrope :D (I am trying not to think that this is one of those days, but lets be honest, sometimes people just annoy me)!

Uninspired

I woke up this morning feeling completely uninspired. My life revolves around this schedule: I get up, throw myself together, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed around 8:00 p.m. My husband tries to motivate me to go out, but I am just not feeling it. I am tired of hurting inside. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired of struggling. I am tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a face and body I cannot stand to look at. I am tired of being sad. I am very tired of pretending I am not sad. I think at this point I am just tired. I need something to make me feel better. This is not fair to my husband, my family, my friends, or to me. But I cannot seem to find my way out of this :(

Fighting

The minute they announced that my childhood heartthrob, Kirk Cameron, was coming to our church to do a "Love Worth Fighting For" Conference, I was like a kid at Christmas. I felt like I grew up with Mike Seaver, the character played by Kirk Cameron. He was wild, fun, mischievous and charming, all attributes I longed to possess. So when the announcement was made, there was no question that I would purchase the tickets ASAP. J was not quite as excited, but as always he was a good sport. The conference did not disappoint. Kirk Cameron was so genuine, and not stuck-on-himself, which I actually expected :) The lessons taught were Bible based and doable. It was a good night for J and I to share some time together, and reaffirm our love for each other. We were once again reminded that our marriage, above all things, other than our relationship with God, is priority one, and worth the fight.

All of that being said, I hurt so much emotionally again, it feels as if it could cripple me. It started yesterday. I was feeling so strong, and now I could turn into a puddle of tears at any given moment. I think it is because I had envisioned going to the conference knowing we were forming a family of our own. Church was hard. So many things will be hard over the next few months, because I set my sights to many of the key moments coming up, thinking I would experience them as a mom-to-be. My heart is sad, my eyes are sad, and as a whole, I am beyond sad! I do not feel strong enough to stand at times, yet each day from somewhere deep inside I find the will to fight! So for now that is all I can do, fight for my sanity, fight for my husband, fight for my job and fight for the ability to stand when my world is spinning out of control.

"A Little Bit Stronger"

Last night I was thinking that I am now a "childless mother". I have had a child inside of me, growing and depending on me, even if it was for a very short time. I knew the feeling of love that comes from knowing that J and I created a life. It saddens me that I will never know this child we conceived. It breaks my heart as I touch my stomach feeling empty, rather than full of life and joy. I miss a child I never got to know.

But on the other hand, I feel like a different woman. I did, for a very short while, carry another being inside of me. People may say that this was not a life yet, but to me this was my child. I now have a small insight into the love a mother feels for her child. I know I can't completely understand, because I am sure the love for a child grows stronger over each passing day. But, I felt a powerful love and need to protect our child for the very brief time he/she was being nourished by my body.

I am now a woman who has not only known a different love, but the love of others has been revealed to me in very special ways. Not that I needed it, but I now have proof that my husband will stand by me no matter what. He never left my side at the hospital. He held me every time I cried. He placed his own grief on hold to let me grieve. He loves me, even when I have trouble loving myself. I also have found out how much I am loved by some amazing family and friends. We received food, countless texts, phone calls and Facebook messages from people that care for us and shared in our grief. I have gained so much strength from my friends and family.

Spiritually, I feel like I have crossed a great divide and am moving in a new direction. My faith has been tested, but it is not lacking. I still know God loves me, and I love Him. I will never understand, but I accept that this path was designed for us specifically with a divine purpose in mind. I have been angry, but I did not let unbelief grab hold, as I have in the past. I have leaned on God's promises. I have sought Him in my quiet times. I made a promise to love Him, and I do, in ways I cannot express. I trust Him, even though it defies my logical side.

I have stood up under insurmountable pain. I have endured. I have learned from this experience, about myself, my husband, our relationship and my friendships. I have been faithful. And most surprising of all is the fact that I continue to love, move, live and breathe, even when it feels like there is no reason to do so. As a result of all of that, right now what I feel the most is STRONG (at least a little bit).

And Now...

I'm not pregnant. Just that quick, it was over, before it really began. The story is no more tragic than the next, but it has turned our lives upside down. I cannot write anymore right now, because this is my first day back to work and I have got to stop crying.