What Dreams Are Made Of

2 completely unrelated things, except they both are related to my 15 page rough draft due on Monday:

1. One of my favorite people in the whole world just completely hooked me up with some incredible research, which will literally save me hours of work and a lot of stress this weekend!!!! Thank you cannot even begin to express my gratitude!

2. Stress does some pretty freaky things to me, one of which is I have strange dreams, but I must say last night's dream takes the cake. I will preface the dream with saying that for some very strange reason (it is Halloween time, and possibly a full moon) thoughts of my ex-husband have popped into my head over the last few days. This is incredibly unusual, and can only be explained by the fact that I might actually be losing my mind. But last night I dreamt that he and I got married again, and we were blissfully happy together (yep, that would definitely be a dream). But while we were on our honeymoon I ended up getting eaten by a python, or some sort of creepy underwater snake (in my dream I called it a python)! I loved what my friend, M, said about that when I told her this morning, "Well, that's pretty accurate. The python part anyway". Oh what fun a psychiatrist/psychologist could have with me!

It's the simple things in life that make me happy!

I am working on my paper (seriously I am), but I had to give a quick update: apparently my electrical issues were stemming from a fried electrical meter...you know the thing that is attached to the outside of your house/apartment. Can we say potential fire hazard?!? But thankfully, they are supposed to be fixing it as I type, so hopefully I will have heat and hot water when I get home! It will make me blissfully happy to soak my stress away in a hot bath tonight and have a warm house in the morning!!!!!

Okay, now I must get back to the 15 page rough draft that I have due on Monday (which I just found out about and that I have yet to write the first complete sentence on)!!!

Gripe Session Time (Again)

I'm exhausted, frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, unhappy and in a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad mood today! And if they don't fix the electrical problem in my apartment before I get home we will be able to add extremely cold and probably on the verge of pneumonia, since I have no heat or hot water at this time (that all disappeared last night), which sucks since we are in the middle of a freakin cold snap! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! (That was, in fact, me screaming like a child!)

I hope the great wide world of the internet realizes that I totally keep a blog so I can have someone to gripe to!!!!

Taking the High Road

Have you ever wondered if it is really worth it to "take the high road"? I mean what makes the high road so much better? Sure the view is better as you look down on others struggling to make their way down below, but there is a certain amount of fun to be had when you play in the mud down in the low country. Of course, it is only fun for a little while and then human nature causes us to want something more, something better for our lives and we start trying to work our way up. It's the struggle to get from the low country to the mountain top that makes life so complicated, intense and daunting, and the time in the mud so much less appealing. Once you get to that place of "being on the mountaintop" you want to do everything you can to stay there even when what is down below is so appealing. Why? Because experience teaches us that if you fall back down that mountain, the climb back will be that much harder, and this may be the time you simply can't physically or emotionally make it back up. And once you lose any hope of making it back up to the top of the mountain, then you lose your will to dream, to strive for something better, and to live the life you are capable of living.

Okay, so I know this sounds like a bunch of nonsense, but these are the things that go through my head on a daily basis (yep, my mind can be a scary place)...but in my defense, it is a result of recent conversations with a friend, so I know at least one person will understand what I am saying...maybe not agree, but understand.

Firsts

Saturday, I went to my first college ice hockey game. I love ice hockey. It is so fast paced, and a little violent (what more could you ask for in a sport?). Then I went to a steeplechase horserace on Sunday with a friend that had VIP tickets (her job has the best perks). That was definitely another first, and we had a blast. Hopefully I can post some pics later this week, if I get a chance to download them.

Well, I have so much going on in my head that I would like to write about, but I need to get some work done and get to class!

Me a Chef?

I love the idea of keeping a dream journal. I don't do it, mostly because if I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream, good or bad, my first priority is to fall back to sleep as soon as possible. Last night though, I had an interesting dream that pretty much lasted all night. I was dreaming that I had dropped out of school (yep, 3 classes left and I dropped out) because I decided I wanted to go to a culinary school. This, of course, is absolutely hilarious because I generally do not cook, and I don't even eat gourmet type foods. But this place was located in the Shenandoah Valley, was secluded, in a beautiful plantation style house, and only taught about 25 students. I was going back to living in a dorm with roommates and everything, at 32 years old, and I was happy about it. The funny part was the only thing that was ever cooked in my dream was a huge pot of chili over a fire pit outside (I know what I'm having for dinner tonight, now). What made it such an interesting and strange dream, was that I was so at peace and happy with my decision, and with life.

Of course, I could decipher all kinds of meanings out of this. I'm glad I am not one of those people that goes and changes her life simply because I dreamed something, because then I could be in a lot of trouble. So would the rest of the world, because when I say I can't cook, I'm not kidding even a little bit. Although the idea of being a professional student does sound tempting at times. I mean I'm sure at some point I would have to pay back the student loans, but a few more years without that would be nice :) But being the practical person I am (stop laughing, I am) it mostly made me realize that my butt NEEDS to finish school, and I NEED to get some work done ASAP or that is not going to happen.

Reflections

All day memories have flashed through my mind of the past. It's odd, because as the years pass the memories fade and it's hard for me to believe that it was ever real. I tell myself I must have dreamed of him, although I have no conscious recollection of doing so. I tell myself that every once in awhile a memory is bound to come to mind, and it means nothing. Maybe it's because some of my best memories are of us in the fall, and fall was his favorite season. Or maybe it's because, even after all these years, this may be my biggest regret in life. He said it was over and I simply walked away. I let go. I said good-bye and just gave up. I didn’t stay. I didn’t fight. I simply quit. Our dreams were destroyed. Shared hope vanished. I drifted and was lost for a very long time. I grew hard, bitter, cynical and afraid. I’m working on not being that way anymore. I’m finding happiness and making peace with the paths I have chosen. I rarely wish for what could have and should have been, because it is an aspect of life I cannot control or change. But just for today I wonder what if I had simply stayed, simply fought, and even more importantly, what if I had won?

Bragging Rights

This is nothing more than me patting myself on the back, but I just had to say that last night we jogged a full 4 miles in the cold and after I had a stomach virus the day before! That is the longest we have done yet, or at least in quite awhile. I am feeling extremely proud of us right now!!!! Okay, okay... I guess that was a little less a pat on the back and a little closer to bragging. I am just completely psyched because I feel stronger, healthier and in better shape (despite the fact I can't seem to stay well) then I have since I ran the 10 miler back in 2002.

We have 3 races planned over the next month: a 5K this weekend (if it doesn't rain), a 10K November 9th in D.C., and a Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving Day! We're hoping to keep improving our times in the 5K's and to be able to run/jog at least 6 miles of the 10K.

Now if I could just gain some of that same momentum and enthusiasm towards my schoolwork...

P.S.: We did decide to hold off on the half-marathon due to the fact that we couldn't justify paying an $80.00 entrance fee to potentially facilitate in our own death's.

Making the Effort

One of the most devastatingly hurtful things that anyone has ever said to me was that "I wasn't worth the effort anymore". How could someone who's opinion and friendship I once valued more than any others not think I was worth their time and energy anymore? It was one of those moments when I thought I could literally feel my heart crack open and bleed out. Of course, I later took it for what it was, pretty much the end of a toxic relationship that was truly not worth the effort to try to maintain.

But today I started to wonder how many times I intentionally or unintentionally make people feel like they aren't worth the effort? And if I am honest with myself, lately it has been a lot. One example, there is a couple older men that come in my office just to chat with my boss or with us. If I am not in a good mood, busy or simply being self-absorbed I will basically ignore them. I have gotten to the point of being rude at times. So today when one of them came in I was feeling bad (thanks to a stomach virus that hit me Monday night, that I am still recuperating from), and all I wanted to do was get him to leave. But I have been thinking about my Grandma Lois a lot today, about how much I miss her and I realized that like her, he is simply lonely. He lives alone, and my boss, his usual lunch partner is out of town, so he simply wants the company. Instead of ignoring him, I decided to make the effort to be nice, so I showed him some pics from my hike Sunday and visited. He was only here for 5-10 minutes, but I hope he left here feeling like he was worth my time and effort, instead of feeling as if I didn't want him here.

Everyday we are presented with dozens of opportunities to either make sure someone knows they are "worth the effort", simply by returning or initiating a phone call, hanging up the cell phone and saying hi to the cashier or opening the door for the woman with the baby stroller, or to do the opposite and make them feel ignored and unimportant. There are so many simple ways to prove to people that they are worth our time and energy, things that actually take very little of either. So, I hope that in my quest to become a little less jaded and a little kinder, I will remember that everyone is worth the effort, even if somedays it takes a little more effort than others. As an added benefit, I realized today that taking that 5 minutes to be kind made me feel as if my life held a little more value then it did before he walked in the door.

Always an Adventure

Things I learned yesterday on our roadtrip/hiking excursion...

1. I am much stronger physically than I thought (see my new profile pic)...I am so ready for a weekend backpacking trip now :)

2. Never forget snacks for the baby when you are doing a 4 mile hike.

3. When mapquesting be sure you mapquest the waterfalls instead of the apartment complex with the same name (believe it or not, that one was not my fault)! But it's also a good thing we are women and not men, because we stopped and asked directions as soon as we realized that we were probably headed in the wrong direction.

4. We can turn a 2 hour road trip into a 3.5 hour trip (still not sure how, but we managed it)

5. It is entirely possible for us to get turned around on the same road not once, not twice, but three times (I guess this would explain the 3.5 hours back).

6. When you miss the exit to I81 from Blacksburg to Roanoke, there is a deadend that is great for doing doughnuts (and yes, we know this from experience).

7. We need to learn how to build a fire using sticks (or bring matches and charcoal next time), but on the upside a picnic in 40 degree weather is still fun as long as you have really good food!

8. I love spending time with people you can have fun with no matter what happens and what you are doing :)

I'm feeling lonely today so....

I'm trying to decide which would be better - a dog or a roommate. A roommate would actually help pay the bills, which could be beneficial to my checkbook and mean I may eventually dig myself out of debt. But then if I get a female roommate, that generally leads to drama which I am never in the mood for. If I get a male roommate, well I only have one bathroom (enough said)! Of course if it was someone who liked to cook and clean that would be a plus!!! But, I do like my space and my time, eventhough I am rarely home, so that leads me to think I want a dog...

But I'm not supposed to have dogs in my apartment, and I refuse to get a cat (the whole cat lady thing is just not me, or maybe it is, but I'm trying to fight it). Plus a dog would be another expense, which of course I don't need. But they do give unconditional love, except I would be doing him a disservice since I am really never home...

Or maybe I'll just give myself a day or two and I'll be over it and glad that I have some time to myself...

Decisions, decisions...

I Can Breathe Again!

Thanks to copious amounts of medication and fluids I am feeling much much much better! I love that day when you finally feel (almost) 100% after being sick for awhile, because you feel like you can take on and conquer the world! That is the only excuse, short of me being crazy and/or heavily medicated, for why I eagerly agreed to run/walk a half marathon in 2 weeks. Granted it is an excuse to go to the beach, but seriously we are only running about 3-4 miles, 2-3 times a week right now, and that is slow and quite painful at times. But since I'm the one who has set the lofty goal of running a marathon in April (although M keeps pushing for the more reasonable goal of November, 2009), and because she was able to find a babysitter, I agreed to this insanely, crazy plan. We will definitely be the last ones, and we will end up walking over half I am quite sure, but there will also be tons of laughter and hopefully a couple pounds lost.

I Feel Like Crap

And if it wasn't for the mountains of work sitting on my desk I would be home, wrapped up in my red, fleece down throw on my couch watching sappy movies drinking hot tea, with a box of tissues and lots of cold/cough medicine to efficiently knock me out on my coffee table, and maybe a book to read (for pleasure/not school)...one can only dream!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

I hope in the absence of blog posts people will miss knowing my every thought and move (you know you will), but in my quest of becoming a responsible adult I am trying to prioritize, and although I consider my deepest inner musings to be top priority I realize that the 25 page independent study, the internship journal that I have yet to start and the weekly papers for senior symposium are probably a little more important. Top that with deciding that now is the time to start training for a marathon (per the "Now or Never Post"), a cold that's threatening to knock me on my butt(I knew that sickness thing would happen as soon as I wrote it the other day), a boss that is leaving for China on Saturday and decides that now is the time to dictate hours and hours worth of dictation that has piled up on his desk for the last 5-6 months and believe me when I say I am barely finding time to breathe (well not that I really can with this cold thing, but you see what I'm getting at)!

I will try to post something interesting in a few days...or next week...or when I finish school...you should just keep checking back :)

Now or Never

Awhile back I started a list of "Things I Want To Do Before I Die", kind of my own personal "Bucket List" (which is a great movie, by the way). The goal is to reach 100, and I currently have 66. This list consists of things such as, skydiving, running (and finishing) a marathon, going to the Olympics (as a spectator, not an athlete), hiking in the Grand Canyon, horseback riding on the beach, attending a Broadway play, buying a house and traveling to various places around the world. Also included on this list is hiking the entire Appalachian Trail, and I have found a great blog that describes one couples trek from Georgia to Maine http://walkingtomaine.blogspot.com/ that has completely inspired me.

After reading their blog and coming in contact with people recently who are truly living out their dreams everyday, I am more motivated then ever to stop simply dreaming and start really living. I am my own worst enemy and can have a very self-defeating attitude, but I know that if I really want to attain my dreams, travel, experience life fully it is now or never. I don't want to be writing a post ten years from now, saying now it's time for me to start living and not have accomplished anything on my "Before I Die" list. Life is a gift, an adventure, and any accomplishment or dream fulfilled is always worth whatever risk or sacrifice that is involved. Now I just have to decide what I want to do first....

P.S. I woke up this morning feeling happier and more like me :)

I Need A Really Big Rock

Lately all I've wanted is to crawl up under a rock and pretend the rest of the world doesn't exist. This is a little disconcerting because for the past several months I have been fairly happy and content with myself and life in general. Granted I have my ups and downs like anyone, but I rebound pretty quickly (at least that's what I think, although Kay (my co-worker) may say differently, since she catches the biggest part of my bad moods). But for the past few days I have been seriously unhappy and discontent with life. I alternate between feeling like nobody cares, to not wanting to talk to anyone. I had forgotten how it feels to want to cry all the time, because it had been a really long time since I've cried because I was sad, until the past few days (during which I've managed to make up for lost time). I feel like when I smile it's pasted on, and my laughter is fake and short-lived. I am moving through my day on auto-pilot, not because I am so busy (although I should be), but because I know that I don't have a choice but to get up, go to work, go to school and go home (at which point I firmly park my big butt on the couch and don't move until I convince myself to move to the bedroom to fall into a restless sleep). Needless to say, I really, really, really hate feeling this way!

Letting Go

One of my least favorite sayings that my parents and other adults used when I was growing up was "This is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you". This always came before being punished and you knew that it was a lie. Even if it hurt their feelings they had the higher moral ground of "I'm doing the right thing" to rest on, while we simply suffered. The other saying I hated was "You're old enough for your wants not to hurt you". At 8 years old when you didn't get the doll or toy "all" your friends had, that did hurt. And of course that statement turned out to be a lie too. I am 32 years old and wanting something that I can't have still hurts. Sure I've learned that being denied material desires is not going to kill me. I don't have to have it, just because my friends do anymore. But, it's the things that I want that are seemingly out of my control that hurts, like being able to come home to that special someone every night, losing my best friend, or letting go of a dream that is such an innate part of me that I never thought it wouldn't happen. We never get old enough that these things don't cut deep leaving gaping wounds that take weeks, months and sometimes years to heal. But just as children end up doing when they don't get the toy they thought they so desperately needed, they let go. So I'm letting go, because not to will only cause greater pain and sorrow, and might cause me to miss out on something even better in my life.

Legally Speaking

Working in a law office for seven years I can honestly say there is not too much that can surprise me. Well that is until recently people have begun calling and telling me about crimes they would like to/could committ. I'm not sure why they feel the need to tell me, and they certainly aren't telling my co-worker these things, but anyway, about a week ago I was told that a man was going to Venezuela to avoid the 6 month jail sentence he was facing. Then today one man told me that he was going to take the law into his own hands against someone that declared bankruptcy and won't be paying the large sum of money he owes him, and a couple hours later another man tells me that he is going to get out his shotgun and "go visitin" tonight over an estate matter.

Granted I am (almost) sure they were all joking, but I guarantee you if I even consider committing a crime I will not be phoning the attorney's office and giving them a heads up :)

Priorities

Reasons I am ALREADY behind on my independent research and internship work:

1. I checked my minutes on my phone yesterday, and in 15 days I have spent over 40 hours talking on my cell phone. Since I don't talk on my phone while I am at work (very often) that is only counting time I am not at work. I have also used over 700 text messages.

2. I seem to think going out of town on the weekends and extensive time spent socializing (again not time I am on my phone)is essential to my very existence.

3. Season premieres that span a 2 week segment of time.

4. The ability to access IM, Myspace and Facebook from my phone (again after work hours), since I spend about 6 of the 8 work hours doing these on an actual computer.

5. This blog. It gets updated everyday, while I have no clue when the last time was that I read about Environmental Sociology, or anything pertaining to the Green Movement.

Things I cannot use as excuses for being behind on schoolwork...

1. Exercise. Thanks to my torn cartilage in my knee and sheer laziness this is sporadic at best, although being in school will most definitely be blamed for the added pounds that I will most definitely have accrued by Christmas.

2. My clean house, because it looks like a tornado, hurricane and then a monsoon came through. I should be calling the Haz Mat Team anyday now (you know if I could find the time). The same applies to my car.

3. Work. I may be here 40 hours a week, but seriously my job lends me more than enough time to do the necessary work and still get some research done.

4. Volunteering. Not only does my current volunteering venture only take place once a week for 2 hours, but I haven't attended in 2 weeks.

5. Sickness...oddly enough (knock on wood) I have managed to escape the usual 3 weeks into school illness that hits me.

Needless to say I need to get my priorities straight :)

* This is in no way meant to discourage people from calling me (remember I can be very sensitive and we'd hate for me to have to add obsessing over why I have no friends to the list of reasons I can't seem to get my research and papers done).

The Pastel State of Mind

Simply by looking at what I am wearing (unless I haven't done laundry)you can tell a lot about my mood for the day. If I am in heels I'm feeling strong, a little daring and generally happy. If I am in black I am pretty much all business. Bright colors mean that I am feeling confident and in control. Today I was in the mood to wear my pastel soft pink. This choice of color and outfit perfectly symbolized how I felt after going to bed early and taking some down time last night. It shows that I am feeling quite mellow and distinctly feminine. There is no particular reason for this except that I am at peace and content with my life right now (at least for today)!