"Feeling some kind of way"

I recently heard an acquaintance state that her mother was "feeling some kind of way", because she had not been able to see her family. The expression was new to me, and the meaning took a minute to register. Essentially, I took it to mean that she was frustrated, and sad over the situation, but still understood the barriers that were preventing her from seeing her family that she missed.

There are times in life that we feel so many different emotions simultaneously that it is difficult to explain. So this morning, suffice it to say that I am feeling "some kind of way", even before the sun comes up.

Life is messy. Life is beautiful.

Lately this thing called life has confused me, frustrated me, depressed me, stressed me and literally sickened me. But oddly, at the same time, it has been filled with simple, beautiful moments of joy, love, laughter, purpose and peace.  Life is messy, a roller coaster of sorts, but I know at the end of it all, I will look back and know the ride, with all of the twists, flips, turns and slow, seemingly endless creeping to the top before a scary, whirlwind spiral down a steep, stomach dropping descent, went by way too fast and given the chance, I would do it all over again!

Dear Jason,

On this day six years ago I became your wife. We both had been down the road of broken marriages and broken dreams before, and as I have admitted to you many times before, I was petrified of what our life would look like years down the road. And here we are, years later, and some of those fears have come true. Here is our special day and I did not manage to get you a card, because the last two weeks have been full of sickness, extremely busy and overwhelming. We no longer manage a weekend away to celebrate. I was afraid we would start "phoning it in" rather than nurturing our love, and sometimes we do. I was afraid we would fight, and we definitely have. I was afraid we would have nothing in common  as the years passed, other than bills, stress and boredom with the mundane. I can check that fear off as being validated throughout the years, mostly during our most difficult times of feeling completely disconnected.

But, on that day six years ago, I was also very hopeful. I hoped we could maintain the love we felt as we stood before our family and friends pledging our love and commitment to each other for our lifetimes. I hoped we would build a life that was special. I hoped I was marrying my best friend, my partner in crime, my soul-mate. Although my fears have come true at times over the last few years, my hopes and dreams for us on that day, have been fulfilled a million times over. You are my gift from God. Jason, nobody loves better than you do. Nobody I know (on this earth) fulfills the biblical principles of love (patient, kind, never haughty, selfish or rude, never demanding your own way, or telling me when I do it wrong...) better than you. You have taught me what it means to love and how amazing it is to be loved. You are my best friend, the person I run to when I am happy, sad and everything in between. You make marriage fun. You make life fun. You are my heart! Marrying you was a leap of faith that actually was part of the process of restoring my faith in God.

Today, as I look back on the years we have had together, I realize that I still feel many of the emotions I felt the day we married, but now the hope and excitement far outweigh the fears. Happy Anniversary my love!

Love,
The woman that loves you more today than I did that day 6 years ago

Sometimes Mommy Needs a Timeout Too

It started with mommy yelling for no good reason at my sweet boy this weekend (which actually rarely happens, meaning that the yelling is usually quite warranted). This one was not warranted, so that promptly led mommy to apologize and then allow her three-year old to send me to "timeout", since "lelling" as he says, is not acceptable. But really, I think the realization that I was losing it, started weeks before today. Life has been tough emotionally lately. Nothing major, but a lot of small personal hurts and disappointments have been tearing at my heart, breaking me down. This weekend, it seemed these hurts began to take a physical toll, when it hurt to walk on my hip, I had major headaches and then a sick stomach this morning. That's when I realized this mommy needed a timeout, which we explain to my little guy, is a time to reset.

It's funny how we take so much better care of ourselves when we are single and young, pursuing our dreams, making time for friends and personal enjoyments, and taking time to rest when we need to do this. In my 20's and early 30's, I would generally take a mental health day a couple times a year from work, and take a random Saturday or Sunday to do absolutely nothing on a routine basis. These days were good for my soul. But once you become a wife and mother your days are not your own and it is rare that you can simply take a timeout.

So today, since I was feeling poorly and feeling like I could not take one more forward step emotionally or physically, I put myself in timeout. I cancelled working with my client. I sat and watched television, I read a little, I surfed the web and I napped. I did not berate myself for not cleaning house, working on paperwork, or being productive in someway. I simply used those few precious hours to reset. And believe it or not, that is all it took.

Long story short, I need to remember that sometimes mommy just needs a timeout too. Now if I could convince Lane that his timeouts are actually good for him, I would be batting a thousand :)

Weekend Adventuring

Yesterday morning, our little family packed a bag, okay about 5 bags (3 of them belonging to the smallest among us) and hit the road to find adventure. What we found was a long interstate that led us to a quaint town with a children's museum for our little guy, a bike shop for the big guy and a cute little downtown area with a big beautiful church for me. We then hit the road again, sure more adventure would find us, and it found us pulling through a KFC drive-thru, approximately 3 hrs from home, and running into a dear friend from home that I had not seen in almost 2 years (thanks to my stupid smart phone that died and lost my numbers). Again the open road, hand-holding, sounds of a movie in the backseat and lots of good conversation led us to Washington DC, well Arlington to be exact. Here we found wishing wells, brick sidewalks, a restaurant where we ate outdoors, cafe style, and our child's limits on how much fun he could take for one day. And now, I am lying in a big king size bed with my two favorite guys (after our little one had an accident in his new air mattress "heltel bed"), waiting to start Part 2 of our lovely weekend adventure. It has been too long since we have done this, and boy have I missed it.

Convicted

A few days ago I told a friend that "I really don't like most people". I was only half-joking. And to be honest, it is not the first time I have said it, or the first time I have meant it. That being said, it is the first time I have allowed God to speak to my heart and convict me about it. In the last few days he has gently reminded me that He has called me to love others. This is my " job" as a Christian, right there after loving God and living in communion and relationship with Him.

For me, this is hard. After some deep, soul-searching I have found that my dislike towards others is nothing more than my selfish desire to protect myself from being hurt and rejected. I so often think that is a good enough reason to remain introverted and to isolate myself. But if I am to live my life as Jesus did, then I have to recognize that Jesus came knowing he would be rejected, not only by his enemies, but his closest friends and confidantes. He knew this and yet He still came, loved and died for our sins, knowing the rejection and pain that would come by putting Himself out there. He was a living example of loving people no matter what, and my choice to shut people out to protect myself is a complete contradiction of the example Christ set for us.

In the past few days, I have once again been chastised, humbled, taught and ultimately loved by the God who wants nothing more for me to love Him and to love others.

The Fast

I am naturally more inclined to ignore a problem than face it head on. Maybe this is a natural inclination, or maybe it is a learned behavior. I have also been very good at having a shallow faith. The type that makes me feel good, but truly requires little to no sacrifice from me. But lately, I have been facing challenges that I could not continue to ignore. My weaknesses have become true character faults, and they have been detrimental to our family. We went from having sufficient to almost an abundance of money, to being faced with the reality that we could not afford to feed our family. My credit score rating has dropped so bad that the likelihood of me ever being able to get a loan in my lifetime is slim to none. All from ignoring the bills, putting off things that need to be done today, etc. I also remain 50 plus pounds overweight, with health issues becoming more dangerous every day. I actually live in fear of having a heart attack and/or stroke. I am weak. I am tired. I feel old, both emotionally and physically.

Most scary for me, is that I have been living life the past several months feeling lost. I have been feeling that God has a plan for me, yet I cannot seem to grasp what on earth that plan is, or where I am supposed to be. I feel like I am in a waiting room, but I have no idea what I am waiting for. I am somewhat okay with waiting, as long as I know that I am supposed to be there. But, I don’t actually think I am supposed to be here. I feel that I am supposed to be doing something, in the here and now, but my lack of faith, my unwillingness to truly dig into who God is, which would help me understand my purpose here and HIS will for my life, is keeping me stranded in this waiting room, virtually alone.

So, after prayer, arguing with God (yep, I do that, even though you know, He is God of all things), I have felt led to fast. This goes against who I am today. I am a woman that loves to eat, to excess. I am a little girl that doesn’t have what everyone else does, and feels that by eating whatever I want in my adult life, I finally feel that I have enough. I am a woman that has not dealt with many, many emotional issues and chooses to bury my self-loathing under layers of fat. I am the girl who hates being told what to do, by anyone, including God.

So last week, when I am crying to God to please lead my family where we need to be (church, job, ministry, where we should live, etc.) and I feel led to fast one meal a week (only one meal people- and yet, I still argued), I balked. I simply want an easy answer to fall in my lap, because I am also a woman who really, really likes instant gratification (see the excess eating, excess spending above as the example of that). I did finally agree, because based on a very recent episode of purposely ignoring/disobeying God and choosing not to pay my tithes, because we would not have had enough for food, I have learned it does not pay off in the end. Literally, we had two expected sources of income be delayed to the point we had 96 cents in the bank, and barely any food in the cupboard, with some seriously delinquent bills. There has been some serious humbling going on these days in my life!!!

So after arguing, I chose to obey, and last week, I fasted one meal. What did I get from that? Peace. Revelation that I am now in God’s plan. Yes, I am still in the waiting room, but I no longer feel that I am there alone. Nor do I feel that I am stuck here, but rather I am here for a season to truly align my heart with God’s. I was taught the importance of obedience and given the strength to fast this week’s meal.

Today, I am fasting my lunch. Already, God is revealing to me new revelations. Today, I feel it is about the hold food has over my life. God provided food to fuel my body, not to destroy it. He provided it to help me do His work, not to keep me under a heavy weight of self-loathing. Yes, it can be appreciated and enjoyed, but it cannot rule me. Self-control is at the core of the Christian faith. Many scriptures speak to this, yet our society eschews this concept, feeling that we should be able to live however we want, doing whatever we want. This is my natural inclination, but it is not God’s way.

Each week, I hope to update you on what I am learning from my fast. This is not me being proud, or acting as the Pharisees did in the Bible, but my simple act of obedience.  I do not want to forget what I am learning. I also do not want to miss the opportunity to share the message God has for me, and possibly for someone else (you know, all two people who read my blog J).

Home

It is 5:30 am. I am laying in bed, warm under the covers. Jason is in the kitchen, eating breakfast, fixing coffee, and making a little too much noise. I hear my sweet boy kick the side of his bed in his room.  This routine is played out morning after morning. This is how our day starts. This is simple. This is routine. This can seem mundane, but really this is the good life. This is home.

Not Quite Jumping On The Essential Oil Bandwagon

I have been reluctant to jump on the essential oil bandwagon. This should not surprise anyone, since I generally embrace a trend just as it is going out. It is either I am oblivious to the fact that there is a new "it thing", or I am just not willing to put the money into something until I know it works.

So a few weeks ago, okay months ago, I purchased a starter kit of essential oils at a discounted cost, sure they would change my life forever. Read: I will never need to use modern medications again, and I will be really cool.

In reality, the box of peppermint, lavender and lemon oils has remained basically untouched, taunting me for many weeks. I tried the lavender, which is supposed to be relaxing and help plunge me into a restful sleep, but I really just do not like the smell. So this morning, as I battled a headache I have not been able to shake since last night, I came across a blog that touted peppermint oil as a cure for a headache. I tried it. Although it did open my sinuses and burn my skin, I am writing this minutes before I go take a dose of ibuprofen.

So I wonder, with all the hype proclaiming the amazing benefits, is it just hype, or am I just doing it wrong?

Six years ago, I embarked on a journey that now defines my life. Although I was slightly reluctant, I gave my heart to a man that taught me how to love deeply, unselfishly, honestly and completely. We wed. We have battled the dark days of grief, fear and anger. Rejoiced in many, many more days of laughter, fulfilled dreams, and the mundane, but beautiful daily routine. He is my rock, my home and the fulfillment of dreams I never even knew I had.

I remember a time I thought I did not need anyone. During that time, I was so proud of my independence. I reveled in my pain and loneliness, feeling strong. I falsely believed I would never welcome, and never need anyone in my life.

Today, as my husband prepared for a trip out of town for work, I recognized I have become codependent, on him and on God. I am nothing on my own. My initial reaction was to be slightly frustrated with myself. Of course, I should be codependent on God, but on my husband? How weak does that make me? How pitiful? But later the answer came to me, and that answer is yes, I should be dependent on him.  The Bible says "the two become one", so it stands to reason I would feel this way. My other half is gone for now. We are a team. Missing him and longing for him is not weakness, although the world may try to tell me different.

So tonight, with some tears, I admit that I miss my husband and cannot wait until he is back home with me, because without him I am simply not whole (as cliche as it may sound).

Beware. You Will Be Tested.

The Bible should come with this title as a warning label. The closer you get to God, the more vocal you become about loving Him, trusting Him, seeking Him and following Him, the more you will be tested. I hate being tested, because I often fail. Most of the time, I get up, dust off my tattered pride, learn and move on. This is not always a rapid process.

Yesterday, I wss hurt by others. I was angry. Rather than leaning on the Lord, I vented my anger to an aquaintance, who ended up causing me to feel stupid, worthless and more alone. I failed the test. I should have leaned on God to "fix" the situation, and to heal my heart. Today I remember that my God is faithful, that He is present when others hurt me, and that He loves me for who I am, shortcomings and all. Today, I ask His forgiveness, and ask Him to help me truly be more like Him. This is always hard when you are still hurting from a situation, but then I am forced to recognize that growth only truly comes through the trials.

Giving Up Control

Years ago I titled this blog "Taking Back Control of my Life", during a time that I felt like I was drifting, losing sight of my dreams and finding my way back from some devastating choices and heart breaks. Today, I am more settled, searching less and more at peace. Why? Because I now know that the best way to change my life was to completely give up the control, I so desperately sought over my own life, to a loving God. Knowing that He is in control, even when my heart hurts or situations do not turn out the way I think they should, brings me peace.  It does not stop me from experiencing hurt, fear or even anger at times, but my trust in God reminds me that the experiences that cause these emotions are occurring for a purpose, and to fulfill His ultimate plan for my life. This knowledge makes me feel less like I am drifting, and more like I am staying the course, even when I feel battered and bruised by life. Today, I am so thankful that God brought me to my knees and taught me how to hand over the control of my life to Him.

My Happy Space

I have been trying to decide what I want this blog to be. Do I want it to be my personal space to vent, chronicle and review my life? Do I want to reach out to family and friends with stories of our daily lives? Do I want to develop it into a mommy blog?

In this season of dreariness, cold and feeling a little blue, I have decided this will simply be my personal "Happy Place". Each week, I will do at least one post of all the things that made me happy this week.
But for now, I must go put on some coffee, turn up the music and get ready for work.