Date Night!!!!

Jason and I are reinstating date night into our weekly routine :) Tonight we are going to Waterstone Pizza (a yummy pizza parlor with a fantastic and trendy atmosphere in downtown Lynchburg)! Not sure what we will do afterwards, but just going out to eat and spending time together will be wonderful. We love going different places and I really love breaking our routine and spending time together, especially during the week. It is always a much needed break from the day to day routine! Well back to work I go, just had to let out some of my excitement!

The Inconceivable

In my return blog I said that there was a heartbreak portion to the year that has passed. In December, 2009 Jason and I were riding to work together and we made a decision that we were going to start trying to have a baby. I can honestly say that even after we made the decision I was scared, well more like terrified, because as we all know I hate change! But, after a few months of trying and not succeeding I realized that I really wanted to have a baby so very, very much. I thought it would take a few months, six at best to conceive a child. Jason and I were so excited, scared, but excited. As of today, 1 year and 3 months later, I am still not pregnant. I know for women who have waited and been denied for 5, 10, 15 years this is a drop in the bucket. I know we may still get pregnant, that this is not that long to wait in the grand scheme of life. But, if you have never struggled or been denied a dream you could never understand. And if you have not struggled with this particular battle you cannot imagine the pain, heartbreak, emotional and physical stress that this (I refuse to claim infertility yet) can cause. I cry so much more than I used to. I feel like a failure in every way, and I do mean every way, as a wife, employee, friend, daughter, etc. It has affected every part of my life. My faith is wobbly at best. I cannot understand how a God that loves us would let a woman that abuses her child give birth and I cannot conceive. I see a pregnant woman and I am envious. I go to a baby shower and feel like the world is falling in around me. I hold a baby and never want to let go, because I cannot hold one of my own. I have taken so many pregnancy tests and waited the long three minutes. I have gone back hours later just to see if maybe, by some chance that magical plus sign or line had appeared. I have touched my belly and thought, maybe, just maybe deep inside of me a life is growing. I have screamed at God (no, I am not proud of this). I have begged, bargained and been angry with God, myself and Jason. I get upset with Jason, because I feel like he can't understand, because he has had the gift of having 2 children to call his own. I know in my heart this is not true, but in my darkest moments when my mind can only see as far as my wants and needs, I let myself believe this. We haven't gone through any tests, and we won't. There are many reasons for this. I won't go through treatments. We may adopt, but that will come in a few years, if at all. And then there are the other days. Those days I am okay with the fact that it may just be Jason and I. We are very happy together. He is my rock, my strength and my gift from God. Sometimes, it even seems selfish to ask for more. So it's a roller coaster. In a few years, this will be over, one way or another, but for now all I can do is wait...

My Job...

Hmmm...I do not even know where to begin this post. My job is a blessing and a curse. It is the most rewarding and most demeaning experience. It is challenging and dull all at once at times. It is a job. I want something more, something different, but I have to say that this job is such a testament to what hard work, discipline and drive can do for a person. Without my degree and a company that believes you do not have to have multiple years of experience to succeed I would still be slaving away at the law office, truly feeling useless. I work harder now than I ever have in a job, more hours, more while I am present and yet I am ALWAYS behind. I know this is not my forever job, my career or exactly where my future lies, but for now I must say I am truly blessed!

To start...

In the last two years I have gotten FAT!!!! Now, don't get me wrong, I was not skinny when Jason and I started dating, but I was weighing in at 153 lbs (about 30 lbs overweight for my frame). A couple months ago, I topped out at 200 lbs, and now I have stayed in the 190-195 lb range. So, I am officially obese!!! My health is crap at this point! And the crazy thing is, that I am more self-confident than I can remember being in my life. I know that this is because my wonderful husband truly finds me beautiful. He tells me this all the time and shows me in a million ways that my weight honestly does not bother him AT ALL! It bothers me, but not enough to make a change. So this morning I decided I'm literally not going to try to change it. This may sound like I am giving up, giving in, or just flat out lazy, and do not get me wrong it is possible that all of these are true! But essentially, I am tired of stressing out about it. I have so many other things in my life that I want to focus on, my weight is not going to be one of my priorities. Now, I do have a ulterior motive to this thought process. I honestly believe that once I start focusing on the areas and goals in my life that I am passionate about, I will lose weight. I will be busier, happier and with my focus on things other than food, I will just lose the weight! I plan on monitoring to make sure this plan does not backfire on me, but I am hopeful :) It helps that one of my goals is to run 5 races this year, so the workouts alone should help the weight loss progress!

I Think I'm Back

After over a year of not writing, I think I am going to try blogging again! I have been journaling at home, but I have missed blogging a lot. I like this outlet, even if after a year I am quite sure nobody is going to be reading this again. That may be okay though, because it will offer me the freedom to write whatever under a (quite possibly false) sense of anonymity. I am actually really busy at work right now, but I will hopefully have time soon to write about my wonderful, crazy, heartbreaking, complicated year! For now though, I am actually just glad I remembered my password :)