Nothing Lasts Forever

When I was 8 years old I had a monstrous crush on the boy next door. His name was Guy and he was a year older than me. We dreamed of getting married as soon as I turned 18. We kissed, but only briefly, and I’m pretty sure he kissed two other girls that same day behind the tree in his mom’s backyard. I learned two very important lessons that day. One, that boys learned very young (obviously from tv or parental influences) how to manipulate girls with a simple “if you love me you will”. He was nine years old, and used that on me to get a kiss, and of course, like numerous times throughout my teens and early 20’s it worked. I kissed him. He was my first “memorable” kiss. He ended up going to the middle school in 4th grade and I was still in elementary school. And from that point on he pretty much “outgrew” me. And then we moved. That was lesson two, nothing (especially relationships at 8 yrs old) lasts forever.

When I was 14 I fell for the boy that set beside me in Advanced English. We “went together” for about 2 weeks and he broke up with me. At 16 we dated again. I cannot say for sure when our first kiss was, although I remember the thousands that followed the two years we were together. I do remember when he said he loved me. It was quick, almost accidental, but it was memorable. Being loved by him made me feel special and was the most important thing in my life. I felt invincible in his love. I also felt suffocated at times, which surprised me. I had everything I wanted, but always felt like I wanted something else. So I went away to college. When I found out he was dating, engaged and eventually married to the next girl he dated I was devastated and realized once again that nothing lasts forever. Years later we reconnected, had a whirlwind romance, and got married. But at 25 I was too independent, too insecure, too rebellious, slightly jaded and nowhere near ready to be the wife that I should have been. We divorced the next year.

In between and following I have had crushes and fallen for people numerous times which have all defined my views on love. I want to fall in love, but am not sure I believe in it. Not the romantic state of being “in love” everyone talks about. To me love is more like an attraction that is acted on which turns into a commitment that each person makes to be together. We end up becoming inextricably linked by marriage (basically a legal contract), mortgages, children, and an innate sense that we will stay with this person in order to not be alone. We are able to maintain this commitment if we remain attracted to the other person. Romantic gestures also help maintain this commitment. But essentially it is a choice that people make, until one or both realize they don’t need that person anymore. In reading this people will realize that in my previous post I wrote about finding a special someone, but I do not believe in “the one”. I have friends that would argue me for days on this fact. Life has simply not proven to me that such a person exists in reality.

I know this is cynical. I want to be proven wrong, but at the same time I know that it is not likely to happen. I hope I do fall in love again, but as I learned at 8, 18 and have relearned time and time again, nothing lasts forever. Maybe, just maybe my cynicism won’t last forever either and personal experience will prove me wrong, because despite the fact I am cynical, I still hope that I am wrong.