Loving God

After a very long time of living in doubt about my faith, about the very existence of God, I have come to a place of belief. Unfortunately, I cannot say that a miracle in the form of a child has caused this faith to blossom, but simply God making His presence known to me by the gentle revelation of himself to me during Sunday worship service. I realized that my faith was not a choice, as I was trying to make it, but God is God, I am His and I have no choice, but to love the Creator of all things. At that very moment, I did make a decision that I feel will change the course of my life. I told God that I will love Him no matter what happens. If I do not conceive, I will love Him. If I lose everything, I will love Him. If I prosper and see an abundance of blessings (this would be my first choice of course), I will love Him. I will not make my love and faith in God conditional upon the fulfillment of my earthly desires. And after years of singing the song that says "I love Him, because He first loved me", I finally understand what it means. Christ loved me, gave His life for me that I may live a life knowing that there is a greater love and a greater purpose for my life than I can imagine. The true beauty of this is that this purpose, or plan, has been pre-orchestrated by God himself. All I must do is love Him, because He loves me and will take care of me. So, that is where I am today. I am building a relationship with my Savior. I am leaning on Him through the hurt and pain of not having a child. I am realizing I can't just say it's in God's hands and get mad when I don't get my way, but I must accept His plan as divinely inspired and purposeful.