I Want To Not Want

I am glad nobody reads this blog (as far as I know), because I feel like I can write through the craziness without guilt. I do not have to fear I am boring anybody, or they are going to get tired of hearing the same old song post after post. Last week, I felt so strong, this week, I feel as if I have been bulldozed. My heart hurts and it is almost a physical pain. I feel empty and alone. It takes everything I have to pull myself out of bed, to pretend that life is good and I am happy. Do not get me wrong, I know I am blessed and I love my husband with all my heart. But, as I have learned many times, one love cannot replace another, one dream fulfilled cannot replace a dream denied. They can make it easier at times, but cannot remove the pain completely. I want a baby. I want to be a mom. I want to not ride a roller coaster of hope, the destruction of that hope, and acceptance month after month. I want to not want what I can't have.