Written as I grieve...

There are a few times in life that I walked in somewhere, up to someone or gotten a phone call that have changed life as I know it. Those life moments where you know you will never be the same. There have been good ones, such as the day I married Jason, and the day I gave birth to Lane. Then there are those moments when you expect life will never be the same, and you are right, but not in the way you hoped. Today, I thought I would hear our baby's heartbeat. Instead we heard silence, until the tech told us that she was sorry, but there was no heartbeat. For a moment, my heart stopped too, and my world shifted. Four years of hoping, a couple months of being sure we were "one and done", a surprise positive pregnancy test, five weeks of nausea and exhaustion, culminated with those words, and my hear  felt as if it shattered. Now, I am grieving the child I will never meet this side of heaven, and grieving the end of us trying to grow our family. I know I am not to question why, but right now, in this moment, under the grip of pain and despair I question God, asking how do I move on.