Perspective

I am a worrier by nature. I have had a few mild anxiety attacks in my life. I tend towards high-strung. I will over dramatize a situation for a short time, but usually I can get back to calm fairly quickly.

I work with people who have serious mental illness. I have always thought I understood their anxiety, their depression, etc. I sometimes want to fix them by giving them coping techniques that work for me. I want them to just "get it", sometimes really, secretly meaning "just get over it".  I feel like this should be easy, if they just do it.

God has a way of giving me perspective though, and that is by giving me a chance to experience what a day in their lives may feel like.

Two weeks ago I had a mammogram, the welcome to 40 gift from my doctor, which came with a lecture about the dangers of trying to conceive another child at my age. Yes, I will be changing doctors. One week later, I get the dreaded call that says " we need more tests", which could mean the pics they took were not clear, or "you have cancer". They proceeded to schedule me for these tests at their earliest opening 10 days later!!!!!! Ten days of wondering, picturing the best and worst case scenarios, fearing I will not get to see my baby grow up, wondering if I will lose my breasts, wondering if my dreams of conceiving another baby are truly gone, and so on. I still have not had that test. The worry, fear and trying to cope through it are making me feel like I am losing my mind. I seriously vacillate between wanting to live each moment I do not know the outcome in blissful unawareness and wanting to crawl under the covers and cry until the day I go in for my test. I feel  "crazy". I know that this will end once the test results are read, good or bad, because for me the unknown is scarier than the known. I can gear up for battle if I know there is a battle to fight. Of course, I am truly hoping to hear there is no cancer and I have worried myself sick for nothing.

 I will say that I have learned an invaluable lesson out of this, and that is to be more understanding, patient and kind to those I work with. Although I cannot truly understand what some of my clients go though, never seeing an end in sight for their symptoms, I now feel like I have a better understanding of the challenges they face. God has a way of bringing good from each situation, if we are open to receiving it.

And, if you are reading this and can say a prayer for me that would be great.