Secondary Infertility Sucks Too

I have written about this before, and in reality most of the time I am okay with the fact we have not been able to conceive after Lane. I wish it was different, but I feel so blessed to have Lane that the sadness ebbs and flows rather than invading every moment of my life like it did the first time I waited for the dream of motherhood to be realized. But then there is that moment that I am forced to sit in the waiting room of labor and delivery for work, in the hospital my sweet boy was born four years ago, watching new mothers and babies pass by, observing young children sporting Big Brother and Sister shirts, and hearing the excitement in the voices of the families anxiously awaiting news of the newest member of their family, that tears sneak up on me, surprising me as they threaten to pour down my face. It was so obvious that I had to make a lame excuse to my pregnant client, about the tears and emotion I was experiencing, to cover the pain. I suspect these emotional surprise bombs will continue for awhile, as I become increasingly aware that the window for me to conceive is very small, and that this hope of Lane having a younger brother or sister will soon end completely for me. For me, I know I am blessed to have one beautiful child and I would never compare my sadness to the pain of a person longing to be a parent to their first child, or one grieving multiple losses without the joy of getting to parent even one of the babies they carried for whatever amount of time they were given with them, but as in many things in life it does not make my pain any less real. And for what it is worth to the mama that may come across this, that almost feels guilty for being sad over secondary fertility, I get it! Please hear me when I say (as much for me as I say it for you), that although it may be a different type of pain, how we feel and react is okay, because  secondary infertility sucks too!