I seem to be writing a lot more lately, and I think I really
have so much more to say these days. I think this is partially a part of getting
older. Over the past few weeks, I have become more self-assured, self-aware and
happy with who I am as a person, and I seem to just want to share it. Again I partially
contribute this to the process of aging. As you get older, you realize what really
matters to you. At least this is true for me. You also realize that other
people’s opinions of you and of what you believe matter very little. In my
life, I have narrowed down what matters most to me to two categories. The
actual and true first, most important aspect of my life is simply knowing that
I am joined in true relationship with Christ. I used to always place this
first, because it was what was expected of any good, Christian woman. Now I
mean it. This relationship is the reason I have all else in my life. My
relationship with Christ dictates who I am, what I pursue and how I live, every
day. I fail Christ a lot, but His grace has never failed me.
Secondly, I need to know that I am providing a loving,
nurturing home (not always the cleanest or most organized, but safe, enjoyable,
fun home) for my husband and son. I need to be spending time building these
relationships, because these are the ones that matter the most.
In addition to the top two absolutely necessary parts of my
life, I have a few other pursuits that ultimately bring me peace and joy. One
of these, is that I need to know that I have travel plans in place. I love to
travel. Travel is important to me, and has often taken a backseat in my life.
Jason and I are finding that we want this to be a very important part of our
life. We want Lane to see other places, have experiences that take away his
fears of the unknown, gain a greater understanding and admiration for different
cultures and to cultivate a love of travel as well. We want to give him the world,
and in my opinion we can do this best by giving him adventures and experiences
over material possessions. I remember very few toys I received as a child, but
I remember the camping trips, our trip to Arizona when I was a child, our
cross-country road trip moving from Washington to Virginia, driving around on
random backroads on a Saturday with a roadside picnic, hiking, spending the
night in a hotel where my grandparents were managers, and so on. We were not
wealthy, but we had plenty of toys, yet these adventures are hands-down my
favorite memories.
Another desire and avid pursuit for me is that I do have a somewhat clean,
somewhat organized living environment. This has always been how I function
best, but only recently have I realized the role a chaotic living environment
plays in my moods and therefore my behaviors. I now keep up with our home much
better, and even my husband has noted I am far more stable these days (read:
not a crazy, frantic, stressed out, yelling, crying mess…at least not most of
the time).
I need and want financial security. We are still working on
this one.
I need and want friends. But the true kind. I went off
Facebook for almost a year and a half. It was amazing and necessary. At the
time it hurt too much to see who was spending time with who, who was not
inviting me to a get together, who was having more fun than me, who’s life
seemed perfectly put together, etc., and I simply could not keep comparing myself. I was becoming
jealous, miserable and felt all alone in the world. Most surprisingly,
shrinking my world to the people that matter the most, my truest friends
(mostly my husband and sister) brought far less loneliness and far more
clarification of what I want out of friendships. I reactivated my Facebook
account today, only because I was ready. I am ready to reconnect with people,
but I am no longer looking to compare myself, or needing their validation. True
friendship is not a “like” on Facebook, or how many comments people make on a
post, it is the phone calls and texts, the laughter over coffee, the shared
dreams and the pleasure of knowing that true friends will always be there.
I need to be making a difference. I seek every day to show
other’s Christ’s love and whenever possible to let people know they are loved
and cared about. I also want to help those struggling through many
difficulties, whether it is poverty, mental illness, feelings of failure,
exhaustion, helplessness, grief, etc., however I can. I still think I can
change the world. I still believe it is my job to make a mark on the world and
to leave it a better place. Every day is an opportunity to help improve someone’s
life, to teach my child how to love the very best he can, to encourage the world-changers
around me, and so on and so on.
While there will always be various dreams, goals and hopes guiding
my choices and what I seek to accomplish, I now know
who I am and what truly matters to me. At times, I am almost ashamed that it
took me this long to narrow down my core values and to find what I need most to
be happy. I am even somewhat embarrassed that it took opting out of Facebook
for a year and a half to drown out the noise and truly hear myself think,
leading to me finding my voice again (which I guess is why I am writing so much
these days), but then I realize, some people never really find their purpose,
simply letting life toss them here and there, so I guess taking 40 years to do
this is not the worst case scenario. It feels freeing and amazing to finally
feel like I know who I am. To weed out the lesser things, especially when life
feels out of control, as it will often do, because I now know if what I am
pursuing does not fit under one of the above, then it will not get top billing
in my life.
I dreaded 40, but I am not going to lie, I am kind of
digging it these days J
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