The Fast

I am naturally more inclined to ignore a problem than face it head on. Maybe this is a natural inclination, or maybe it is a learned behavior. I have also been very good at having a shallow faith. The type that makes me feel good, but truly requires little to no sacrifice from me. But lately, I have been facing challenges that I could not continue to ignore. My weaknesses have become true character faults, and they have been detrimental to our family. We went from having sufficient to almost an abundance of money, to being faced with the reality that we could not afford to feed our family. My credit score rating has dropped so bad that the likelihood of me ever being able to get a loan in my lifetime is slim to none. All from ignoring the bills, putting off things that need to be done today, etc. I also remain 50 plus pounds overweight, with health issues becoming more dangerous every day. I actually live in fear of having a heart attack and/or stroke. I am weak. I am tired. I feel old, both emotionally and physically.

Most scary for me, is that I have been living life the past several months feeling lost. I have been feeling that God has a plan for me, yet I cannot seem to grasp what on earth that plan is, or where I am supposed to be. I feel like I am in a waiting room, but I have no idea what I am waiting for. I am somewhat okay with waiting, as long as I know that I am supposed to be there. But, I don’t actually think I am supposed to be here. I feel that I am supposed to be doing something, in the here and now, but my lack of faith, my unwillingness to truly dig into who God is, which would help me understand my purpose here and HIS will for my life, is keeping me stranded in this waiting room, virtually alone.

So, after prayer, arguing with God (yep, I do that, even though you know, He is God of all things), I have felt led to fast. This goes against who I am today. I am a woman that loves to eat, to excess. I am a little girl that doesn’t have what everyone else does, and feels that by eating whatever I want in my adult life, I finally feel that I have enough. I am a woman that has not dealt with many, many emotional issues and chooses to bury my self-loathing under layers of fat. I am the girl who hates being told what to do, by anyone, including God.

So last week, when I am crying to God to please lead my family where we need to be (church, job, ministry, where we should live, etc.) and I feel led to fast one meal a week (only one meal people- and yet, I still argued), I balked. I simply want an easy answer to fall in my lap, because I am also a woman who really, really likes instant gratification (see the excess eating, excess spending above as the example of that). I did finally agree, because based on a very recent episode of purposely ignoring/disobeying God and choosing not to pay my tithes, because we would not have had enough for food, I have learned it does not pay off in the end. Literally, we had two expected sources of income be delayed to the point we had 96 cents in the bank, and barely any food in the cupboard, with some seriously delinquent bills. There has been some serious humbling going on these days in my life!!!

So after arguing, I chose to obey, and last week, I fasted one meal. What did I get from that? Peace. Revelation that I am now in God’s plan. Yes, I am still in the waiting room, but I no longer feel that I am there alone. Nor do I feel that I am stuck here, but rather I am here for a season to truly align my heart with God’s. I was taught the importance of obedience and given the strength to fast this week’s meal.

Today, I am fasting my lunch. Already, God is revealing to me new revelations. Today, I feel it is about the hold food has over my life. God provided food to fuel my body, not to destroy it. He provided it to help me do His work, not to keep me under a heavy weight of self-loathing. Yes, it can be appreciated and enjoyed, but it cannot rule me. Self-control is at the core of the Christian faith. Many scriptures speak to this, yet our society eschews this concept, feeling that we should be able to live however we want, doing whatever we want. This is my natural inclination, but it is not God’s way.

Each week, I hope to update you on what I am learning from my fast. This is not me being proud, or acting as the Pharisees did in the Bible, but my simple act of obedience.  I do not want to forget what I am learning. I also do not want to miss the opportunity to share the message God has for me, and possibly for someone else (you know, all two people who read my blog J).