An Uphill Battle

I feel as if I am fighting an uphill battle emotionally. I can't seem to win, I can't seem to stay strong longer than a day or two, I can't seem to stop myself from drowning in the abyss of pain and yet I am constantly reminded of how very much I have to be thankful for. Today, I had to face the realities that yet another month has passed without conceiving a child. A year and a half of my life has been spent waiting in anticipation for a miracle that never seems to come. Every month I tell myself there is still a chance, and every month I become more disappointed. I try to keep having faith that the Lord's plan will be revealed, or better that in His perfect time I will get pregnant, but each day faith becomes more elusive.

At the same time I hear of a friend I had in high school who found out her husband of 2 years has cancer. This is a battle I can't imagine facing, one that could potentially take my husband's life, because then I would truly feel as if my life had ended. I hear of yet another politician cheating on his wife and think of the betrayal, hurt, anger, embarrassment and loss she is experiencing at this very moment. I think of the blog's I read of people who have lost husbands, children, miscarried or are raising a child with a life-threatening illness and again I am faced with the fact that I am very blessed to not be going through these battles.

It is this struggle that is hardest sometimes. I know I should be grateful and happy in this moment of life. I know that there are so many worse things than not being able to conceive, but this battle is so very, very hard for me to endure. I am weak, I am tired, I am angry, I am so deeply sad, I am scared and so often I feel lonely. Mostly these days I just pretend, but what happens when I have gotten so used to pretending that I forget how to feel, who I really am and why I am here. I am worried that our marriage may not withstand this, because J has so much going on at work I don't want to burden him. Plus he worries so much about my emotional state that it will only stress him out more and I worry about his health, especially with all the added stress of his new job. So here I am, trudging up this long hill with no end in sight, fighting back tears and wishing that somehow, someway I could believe that my miracle will come in one form or fashion.