On our wedding day the Pastor announced us as a married couple for the first time as Jason and Brandy Moore. This was not my idea and I even balked it at first...I wanted to be announced as Mr. and Mrs. Jason Moore. Jason disagreed because he said that I was part of this marriage, much more than just Mrs. Basically he wanted it to be known that despite being married, we were still individuals, no one greater, or less important than the other. I hesitantly agreed with him, still secretly bemoaning the fact I couldn't just be Mrs., because in all honesty it was a badge of honor, basically it meant that I belonged to someone.
Jump to today (four weeks post-wedding day) and I am still blissfully in love and very glad I married such a wonderful man. That being said, for some reason, partly just because I am a female I am sure, I have been unhappy off and on. I can attribute it to a few stressors such as finances, my job, etc., but still to be so happy in one area of my life made me worry and wonder as to why I was feeling down at all. But last night and today it hit me. I've lost me.
Explanation: I was quite independent prior to Jason and I dating. I also really, honest to goodness believed I would NEVER get married again, or even be in a serious relationship. When we started dating I became so caught up in the "we" aspect, and so excited to say "we will be able to come", "we did this" or some other form of "we" that I forgot there is still a "me" part that desperately needs to shine and be nurtured.
In the past 9 months I have gained a lot of weight, lost touch with some of my friends, not focused on any of my dreams/goals, or indulged in much "me" time. I have also rarely driven anywhere, nor do I go places I used to love to go alone anymore. This is not at all Jason's fault. We are just truly that caught up in eachother.
He's my bestfriend, my heart and soul and I love being with him. And I know this in itself is not a bad thing. I love that we get to spend every day together. I love that he's my forever. I love that we're so happy together, have so much fun together, and have so many common goals. I love being in love with him, no matter what he's there, he's mine and I'm so very, very blessed.
But I know now it's time to reclaim and nurture the "me" part again too. Jason fell in love with the unique, independent individual that I was, not some forlorn, sappy, I can't do anything if you're not attached at my hip person. He fell in love with me, not just the idea of us. He fell in love with the girl that didn't put herself down all the time for her weight, or feel like he was going to leave because I'm just not good enough. It's hard to admit, but in this short time (9 months) I have changed from the woman he fell in love with and now it's time to bring her back!
This realization comes at a good time since my fantastic husband just got a job, that at least for the short-term will take him away from me a little more (no more riding together to work, lunches together, long phone calls in the middle of the day, etc.). At first I was actually devastated that he wouldn't be so "available" to me, but then I realized that we need this! We both need to regain a little of our individuality so that we can be a stronger couple. I need to be the woman I know I can be, and I need to let him be the man I know he is. Plus being the intelligent woman I am, I know the time apart (which is actually not that much :D) will make us miss each other more, and embracing some of my individual pursuits (like running, reading, etc.) will remind him what a fascinating, wonderful woman he married!
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