I have always been a procrastinator. Definitely always been a big dreamer. I have never been too good at making things actually happen in my life. I have been far more likely to keep talking about the dreams in the abstract as if I do not control whether or not they come true. But suddenly I find myself 4 months away from finally graduating with my bachelor's degree and I actually believe in myself, in the power of my dreams and my ability to make them come true. I have so many different potential plans for my life. No matter which direction I turn it will mean new beginnings and starting over again. The biggest problem is trying to choose what the next step should be. In my perfect world it would involve finding someone to love and building a family. But in my real world, knowing that parts of the past have forever altered the future, I must plan for something different. And the problem is that all of the choices that keep me awake at night are things I could see myself doing that would make me extremely happy, but I can't determine which would make me happiest, so that one day as I reflect on my life I don't say I chose moving to a big city and I think I would have been happier in a smaller place, like Lynchburg, or I missed out on the joy of motherhood, because I chose to travel the world.
So here are my possible plans/choices…
1. I stay in Lynchburg. I adopt a child, and raise him or her in a single parent home. I would work in the social services/non-profit field. I would commit to staying in the area so that I would have a strong support system of friends and family.
Pros: I want to be a mother. I always have, not in the "every girl is raised to believe she should be a mom" way, but in the "I can't imagine my life going any other way" type of desire. I truly thought that I would have children by now. Plus, I love Lynchburg and the amazing friends and family that I have here. I could be very happy and settled here, content with family vacations and outdoor adventures.
Cons: I don't know if I am cut out to be a single mother. I am petrified that I would not be good at it, that the stress would be too much. I am scared that I would feel guilty that I took away the child's chance of being a part of a two-parent family, because I went into it knowing that I was and probably will remain single. It's also expensive to adopt and even more expensive to raise a child. I would feel like I was somehow cheating the child out of a life that could have had so much more (at least in the material sense).
2. Move to a big city. Get a job working in social services, maybe (hopefully) a job that would lead me into humanitarian aid and into Africa. And I would start doing volunteer abroad trips and working my way into an organization where I could do extensive work in Africa. Delve into new travel experiences and the culture of wherever I choose to live.
Pros: Anyone who knows me knows that I dream of going to Africa and working in an orphanage. I want to make a difference in the lives of these people that have so little hope. It is a passion of mine. I also love city life, meeting new people and experiencing new things.
Cons: All passion aside, I love my friends and family and can't imagine living so far away. I actually love Lynchburg and the people and things here. It would mean giving up all sense of security I have and starting completely over, making new friends, job, everything, possibly living in another country for an extended period of time. I am not sure I am up for that. But then again I am not sure I am not (that would be a pro), because it is a totally fresh start.
3. Go straight to grad school, and then the Peace Corps. This would be wherever I get in and could find a job. It would probably be another state, possibly Colorado, where I could hopefully get a job working in a camp, wilderness adventure group (such as Women's Wilderness Institute), etc. I would continue my education, which despite how stressed I get I love going to school and learning. I would also work on getting in very good shape so that I could get accepted into the Peace Corps. Then for at least 18 months after finishing grad school I would be able to do humanitarian aid work.
Pros: So much of what I want to do is going to require at least a master's and let's face it; I'm not getting any younger. I love school. I wouldn't have to worry about the student loans for a couple more years, plus they could be deferred during the Peace Corps. It would get my foot into the kind of career I hope to have in humanitarian aid, plus give me a ton of travel experience.
Cons: It means being transient, making very little money and putting off my "career" for 3 more years. It would mean not even being able to consider having/adopting children for 4 more years.
And then there are so many other options/plans that I am considering…
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